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Archive for the 'Bad Movies' Category

Mar

Vs aka All superheroes must die (2011)

Categories: Bad Movies and Rules

Date Watched: 2/28/2013

Starring: Jason Trost and James Remar

Where Found: Amazon Video On Demand

Plot: Four Super Heroes find themselves abducted by their Arch Nemesis and are forced to compete in a series of challenges in order to save an abandoned town full of kidnapped innocent civilians. (From IMDB)

Rules:

Take off a bandaid and show a bruise on their wrist

Superheroes take off a mask

Use a superpower

Say a superheroes name

Superhero dies

Quotes:

“F&CK, you have 80 seconds.”

“Charlie’s screwed. He’s gonna die soon.”

“F&ck it.”

“Tell shadow I’m sorry about the stabbing.”

“Pain’s just a suggestion.”

“Backup plans are for people who expect to fail.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Oh yeah, fighting on a trampoline in a cage.”

“These superheroes are not very good at saving people’s lives.”

“Is that his boner alarm going off?”

“Why is that guy wearing a bear suit?”

Things We Learned:

Superheroes aren’t always very super.

Like in the movie “Speed” the best thing to do in a hostage situation is to shoot the hostage. Except here we learned you should actually just go ahead and kill the hostage too.

Final Take:

We were really excited about this movie after the wonderful JTro movie “The FP”. This was a big letdown. According to IMDB it was shot for $20,000, written in 4 days, and filmed over 15 days. Holy crap could you tell.

I don’t really know what the point of this movie was. It wasn’t really a satire like “The FP”. It wasn’t over the top. It was just there. I can’t really recommend this movie to others. I commend JTro for putting this together w/o much time or funding, but the real question is why bother? Maybe JTro is using the funds for something bigger coming up? Until then, we have to take him down off of our must watch list.

Feb

The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)

By badmoviethursday 1 Comment

Categories: Bad Movies, Cults, God Awful, Gory, Rules, Spin-off or sequel and Washed up actors

Date watched: 1/31/2013

Starring: Tara Reid, Dennis Hopper, David Boreanaz, Edward Furlong, Tito Ortiz, Danny Trejo, Macy Gray

Where found: Netflix Instant Queue

Plot: Wicked Prayer follows Luc Crash, the charismatic gang leader of a ragtag band of Satanist bikers named after the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. Luc murders Jimmy Cuervo (Furlong) and his girlfriend Lily as part of a ritual to become an immortal demon, but Luc finds that Jimmy has been transformed into the avenging spirit known at The Crow, intent on stopping Luc before he can become the Lord of the Flies. (From IMDB)

Rules:

Crows or say “Crow”

Cars with pictures or names on them

Stupid title shots

Say “Raven”

Scorpions

Flashbacks

Dennis Hopper says “shorty” or “homey”

Quotes:

“Blue eyed injun and a cold hearted killer. Just what the Dr. ordered.”

“Jimmy you’re beakin’ my heart, and hearts are made to be broken”. (He then cuts out the guy’s heart.)

“That’s the freeza my momma used to lock me up in.”

“Pestilence go down to the bar and score us some more peyote.”

“Killing is easy, forgetting is hard.”

“It’s El Niño, get it right cracker jack.”

“Kiss it bitch.”

“How is it you’re a virgin?” Answer: “I guess I’m just old fashioned.”

“Kiss the bride mother fucker.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Whoa, he just spun kicked the toxic chemicals.”

“Sweet ride, it’s like the General Lee but way shittier.”

“Is Edward Furlong supposed to be the good guy? Because I hate him.”

“Was that a flash forward or a flash back?”

“So far, so terrible.”

Things we learned:

You need to dance around the crow to wake it up.

According to the filmmakers Mexicans and Native Americans look exactly the same.

Anyone can direct a movie.

Edward Furlong is the biggest loser in the town, but he can bag the hottest girl.

You can sell scorpions for $1 a piece at the local town store.

Tara Reid is a terrible actress. (Ok, ok. We didn’t really just learn that.)

Final Take:

I had no clue what was happening in this movie, and it really didn’t matter. This movie did not take itself seriously, and I didn’t either. I didn’t buy any of the performances. Tara Reid and David Boreanaz can’t play villains any better than Edward Furlong can play a hero. I found myself rooting against Eddie. Sorry dude, you may still look 15, but this isn’t T2 and it’s not 1991. (I will say that I loved Dennis Hopper. His 15 minutes of screen time are far and away the best of the movie. I wish this was a film just about him.)

The original Crow was good, but the sequels not so much. I saw that they might be developing a Crow remake. Oh joy. I guess as long as there are crows flying around in the sky, shitty movies will continue to be resurrected from the dead.

Jan

Fortress 2: Re-Entry (2000)

By badmoviethursday 2 Comments

Categories: Bad Movies, In Space, Rules, Spin-off or sequel and Washed up actors

Date Watched: 1/17/2013

Starring: Christopher Lambert & Pam Grier

Plot:

7 years after the original Fortress movie, Brennick and his family are still on the run from the Men-tel corporation. A group of rebels attempt to gain his support but he refuses, wanting to focus on his family. A raid follows and Brennick along with the rebels are captured and sent to a new, more sophisticated fortress prison in outer space. But Brennick’s not a man to give in easily, and with a 10 year old son waiting for him back on earth, he’s going to pack some serious assault on the evil corporation. (From IMDB)

Rules:

Stupid accents.

Saying or doing implantations.

Scanning bar codes.

Mannish woman acting like a man.

Say Fortress.

Say or show Men-tel.

Quotes:

“So, we killed anybody since I left?”

“Nobody likes a smart guy Brennick.” Response: “You must be very popular then.”

“Put him in the hole.”

“Those Russians will cut out your heart just to see the look on your face.”

“Girl, I could build a radio station out of a milk carton and two condom wrappers.”

“I wouldn’t mind getting a piece of that myself.”

Viewer Quotes:

“He almost shot his kid in the head with a shotgun.”

“Is this movie called Fortress 2 Colon Re-Entry?”

About a woman: “Who’s that dude.”

“Let’s drink for the mannish woman dying.”

“I hate his accent.”

“Where do they get puddles of water in space?”

“They’re tapping into a cockroaches nervous system?”

“They sure do take a lot of showers in space.”

“What are all of those cuts on his face, are there cats flying by him?”

What we learned:

It’s really easy to escape from a prison space station. You just need a giant empty crate that they happen to be loading and a stick of gum. You stick the gum on the crate (not sure why exactly), jump in, and voila, you escape!

If that plan backfires, you just need to find a cockroach, attach a video camera to his back, and tap into his nervous system. He’ll do the rest and navigate directly where you’d want him to go for your escape plan.

In space, people are very open to coed community showers as evidenced here and in Starship Troopers. I wonder at what point in the future this becomes a reality.

The way to win over Russian prisoners who originally wanted to kill you is to play chess with them. They use the chess pieces to exchange secret messages. Show them that you’re onto their code, and they will instantly become your allies.

Final Take:

This is a completely passable B movie. It requires no thinking and little engagement on your part. (Christopher Lambert must have been thinking the same thing as he was acting out his lines.) You will watch this movie and not remember a thing about it the next day, but know that you had a decent time watching it. I’m somewhat interested in watching the original Fortress since we watched the sequel, but I would make absolutely no attempt to actually seek it out. (For example, if I was reasonably intoxicated and unable to move and it came on TV, I wouldn’t intentionally make myself pass out to keep from watching it.)

On IMDB there is a quote from someone saying that they are a “massive Lambert fan”, and they were let down by the film. I’m guessing the average person will look at Lambert’s past body of work and a movie subtitled “Re-Entry” and not have quite the same expectations. For those looking for a crappy movie to share some drinks and some laughs over, this won’t let you down.

Jan

The Wicker Man

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Categories: Bad Movies, Creepy Kids, Cults, God Awful and Nic Cage
Tags: Bees, Human Sacrifice, plot holes

Viewing Date: 1/10/2013

Starring: Nic Cage

Plot:

Nic Cage stars as a detective / highway patrolman who receives a letter from his ex-fiancée asking for help in locating her missing daughter on some island in the Puget Sound. Nic heads straight there to unravel the mystery, and discovers that he is dealing with a Matriarchal, bee-loving cult that performs human sacrifices.

Rules:

Nic Cage in a costume
Bees (real, CGI or a picture of a bee)
Nic Cage’s mind plays tricks on him
Someone or something gets hit by a truck
Say “Willow”
Say “Summer’s Isle”
Nic Cage punches or kicks someone
Nic Cage acts crazy (advanced rule, since this could describe him the entire movie)

Quotes:

“What do you have in the bag? A shark?”

“Was Rowan depressed? Have you seen what she’s drawn under her desk? Its pretty disturbing.”

“Take your stupid mask.”

“Step away from the bike!”

Viewer Quotes:

“Why do they all have blue eyes?” “Because… The Wicker Man.”

“Do they have electricity?” “I don’t think so. They’re pretty Amish.”

“Freeway Patrol.”

“I think you dodged a bullet here, Nicolas Cage.”

What We Learned:

There are cults living on islands in the Puget Sound, and they are out of the reach of all law and government.

There are underwater pools under graveyards.

Everyone was in on it! Shocking!

Final Take:

What a disappointment. For a movie that ranks as one of the worst of all time, it was indeed that terrible, but not in a good way. More in a more-plot-holes-than-you-can-count, nonsensical way (don’t try to make sense of the “twist” ending unless you want to give yourself a headache). On the plus side, Nic Cage acts like a complete maniac the entire movie, has some absurd dialogue and really goes off the deep end at the finish (“Oh no! Not the Bees!”). For a movie that is supposed to be creepy, it wasn’t, other than the stereotypical creepy blonde kids- and had nothing in the way of scares either. The movie benefited from some decent drinking rules, but we often lost interest in what was actually happening until the last 15 minutes or so, when things got extremely ridiculous. Our advice, avoid The Wicker Man, but if you happen to catch the end of the movie, it is worth watching just for some of the craziest Nic Cage ever captured on film.

Jan

Iron Sky

By badmoviethursday 1 Comment

Categories: Bad Movies, Historical Fiction, In Space, Nazis and Uncategorized

Starring Finnish Germans

Date Watched 1/3/2o13 (we survived!)

Plot

Nazis secretly made their way to the moon, where they have been hiding out, biding their time.

Rules

Nazi cliches.
Nazis’ racist statements.
Palin’s stupid remarks.
“Furhrer”
“Fourth Reich”
“Adler”

Quotes

“Hey, Sauerkraut. I like Sauerkraut! And Volkswagen. Fahrfegnugen!”
“I received confirmation from the department of racial purity…Science demands us to unite physically.”
“Either I’m black or you’re blind.”
“Do I look alright to you Ms Crazy Fucking nazi?”
“So, you are a formerly dead black model, who is now suddenly a living white hobo, after spending a weekend on the moon. Is that correct?”
“Listen. Do you think if I asphyxiate the president, will the troops then align with us?”
“Get your hooks off me you kristallnacht piece of shit!”
“He fell for the old one last blowjob offer! God, nazis are stupid.”

Viewer Quotes

“Most of the quotable quotes are racist or in very poor taste. Is it still ok to record them?”
“I think by the end of the movie they’re going to make us think of the nazis as the good guys somehow.”
“I have to tell the wife she missed three ‘fuhrers’ and a nazi racist quote.”
“Oh look, they have space zeppelins!”
“Sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette.”
“Why doesn’t she just turn it? She’s at the wheel!”

What We Learned

The germans reinvented USB while isolated on the moon, and happen to call it the same thing.
Medicine called Albiniser transforms black into white.
Nazis are doctors for the sick, vitamins for the anemic, and products of loving mothers and brave fathers.
Palin’s message comes from moon nazis. Remember this, world! Palin = Hitler!
To sneak past nazis, start up their battle hymn.
De-albiniser transforms white into black.

Final Take

Pretty high production values for a BMT movie, but still pretty campy. Not too shabby. It was enjoyable, but difficult to come up with good rules. I’d definitely recommend it but you should know that you’ll be getting a lot of anti-american political satire. If you can get past that you’ll find a pretty decent b+ grade movie.

Dec

Jack Frost 2: The Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

By badmoviethursday 1 Comment

Categories: Bad Movies and Gory

Date watched:

12/27/12

Summary:

The Mutant Killer Snowman returns to kill more people during Christmas.

Starring:

No one

Rules:

Puns

Carrot stick rapings x2

Say “Jack Frost”

Random shots w/ snowmen in them (posters, miniature snowmen, etc)

People Die

Say “Captain Fun”

Quotes:

Q: “How did you stop the mutant killer snowman?” A: “With antifreeze.”

“Has the grump monster stolen your happy dust?”

“There’s something that needs a little Christmas stuffing.”

“Nice scarf, beautiful.”

“I guess not too many people believe in killer snowmen.”

“Captain Fun has a plan.”

“Cowatunga Baby!”

“I now pronounce you, totally fuckin’ dead!”

Viewer Quotes:

“Look the Village People are here. Why are they all wearing these costumes?”

“Somehow that camera turned into a Polaroid.”

“Being hit in the face with a big wooden oar? He’s probably fine.”

Worst viewer question ever: “If she’s already wearing a swim suit, why does she need to take it all off to get in the pool?”

“That snowball knocked his arm off!?”

“Good thing they have a shit ton of these bananas.”

Things I learned:

You use charcoal for beach bonfires, and you can find more walking around the beach looking for it lying around.

A murderous frozen snowman can take any form – a carrot, water, an ice anvil, ice cycles, a snow globe, etc.

Humans and snowmen can cross DNA.

Snowmen give birth to snow balls that are inherently evil.

Bananas can kill snow creatures, but only if the person they cross DNA with are allergic to them.

Snowmen can blow up heads when injested.

Final take:

This movie sucked, but in a good way. If you are looking for a shitty holiday movie, then look no further.

Dec

Lethal Target

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Categories: Bad Movies and In Space

Viewing Date: 12/13/2012

Starring: CC Costigan (who? Exactly.)

Plot: This felt like (and probably is) a movie in regular rotation on late night Cinemax. It had a nonsensical plot about a disgraced cop in an all-women’s prison on some planet colony who is recruited to infiltrate a ship that poses some sort of alien threat. Is this the best course of action to save humanity from an alien invasion? How does CC get transported to said ship? Why is the captain of the ship infecting people with some alien virus through scratches? Who cares. There is a decent amount of T&A and blatant Alien rip-off moments thrown in.

Rules

CC (Nikki) rolls her eyes.
“Marshall”
Technology from the 90’s is used on the spaceship.l
“The Company”

Quotes

“I’m your fairy Godmother.” “Where’s your magic wand?”
“Great. I’m a space slut.”
“Joe Biden is in the Marshall’s quarters.” (we may have heard this incorrectly)

Viewer Quotes

“Look. He’s got a badge that says ‘penal’!”
“They wear Earth camouflage in space?”
“Did he say hymen distance?” (actual dialogue was “time and distance”)
“I think they are making an alien species where the men die when they blow their wad.”
“I can see some of this DNA is missing. Right here.”

Things we learned

Alien STD’s are transmitted by scratching.
This movie was a rip off Alien.
The movie would have been much better if it took place entirely on the prison world.
Non-Monogamous Tantracism is a religion.
Early 90’s technology is in widespread use in space ships.

Final Take

An entertaining low budget Sci Fi movie with terrible creature effects, a pathetic plot and decent amount of nudity. It delivered as advertised, although we would recommend not paying attention to the “plot”; it will make for a much better viewing experience.

Nov

The FP

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Categories: Bad Movies, Historical Fiction and Postapocalyptic

Date Watched: 11/29/2012

Starring: JTRO, BTRO, and KCDC

Plot

In a post apocalyptic future, two rival gangs fight for control of Frazier Park by playing “Beat Beat Revelation”, a deadly version of Dance, Dance, Revolution(TM).

Rules

Stupid Hats/Bandannas (One per occurrence per new scene)
“J TRO” or “B TRO”
“The FP”
Reference to area codes
Ducks
Advanced rule – waterfall through all montages

Quotes

“4 score and a couple years ago.”
“I’m going to 187 this bitch, bro!”
“You fuckin’ cracker ass cracka!” <one white guy to another>
“I hope you’re ready for this, Cranberry Juice, because you’re about to get fucked, bitch!”
“What’s a town with no ducks, J Tro? How’s a nigga supposed to sort his shit out with no ducks?!”
“We had each other’s backs, back to back!”
“You got to dance with your mind, not your legs.”
“I’m going to throw you down some stairs, you toe-eyed dung dung.”
“A gentleman never fucks a bitch in the ass and tells.” “It was only for a minute.”
“You got one final lesson up in this mother fucker, J Tro. You gots to know the true meaning of the Beat Beat nigga. It ain’t about color, dog. Any nigga can be a nigga. N – I – G – G – A. Never Ignorant in Getting Goals Accomplished. Now you use that shit, J Tro. You be all the nigga you can be.” <Climactic monologue>
“Shit, man! Click it or ticket.”
“How you doing all this shit?” “Because, I’m never ignorant in getting goals accomplished.”

Viewer Quotes

“Is this stuff for real? Are they being serious?”
“That guy’s wearing a racoon hat!”
“That other guy’s wearing a skeleton mask!”
“Did he just roar like a lion?”
“He died doing what he loves…”
“He’s watching a film upside-down.”
“Just hanging out in a kiddie pool.”
“Asian gets a slingshot!”
“I think this whole movie may have been about drunks feeding ducks in the end.”

What We Learned

The post apocalyptic future looks a lot like normal rural America.
Drunks feeding ducks are a stabilizing factor in modern society.
A good day ends with a BJ while watching ducks.
Dance Dance Revolution can be deadly.
The true meaning of nigga.
Eye patches do not negatively affect depth perception.
Giant moon boots increase your capability to dance.

Final Take

This was a pretty damn good thursday movie. It was post-apocalyptic, had decent production values, and ended with a BJ. The house rule for 4-letter swears would be an advanced rule all by itself. The word “fuck” was used over 250 times. This is up there as one of the better Thursday movies we’ve watched in a while. Watch it and don’t expect it to be serious and you’ll end up having a great time.

Nov

Mr. Nanny

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Categories: Bad Movies and Creepy Kids

Date Watched:

9/20/12

Plot:

A former pro-wrestler is hired to be the bodyguard/nanny for a couple of bratty kids whose inventor father is being stalked by a rival. (From IMDB)

Year:

1993

Starring:

Hulk Hogan

Sherman Helmsley

Buster Poindexter

Rules:

Shirt ripping.

Flexing.

Wrestling moves.

Kids outsmarting Hulk Hogan.

Booby traps.

Canadian Tuxedos (aka wearing a jean jacket and jeans).

Every time they play the song “Dream Dad”.

Quotes:

“I’m not a bodyguard, I’m a wrestler.”

“This is like the roach motel, the nannies check in but they don’t check out.”

“Oops! Trip wire… and flour.”

“Business before pleasure.” – said as the bad guys cart Hulk Hogan’s unconscious body in a tutu away. Viewer Quote in response, “Does that mean they’re going to rape him?”

“There is no chip in there dork brain.”

Viewer Quotes:

For some reason we didn’t record any. I do remember talking about the God-Awful soundtrack. Buster Poindexter has a song on it still burned into my brain called “Tough Stuff”. Paired with “Dream Dad” the soundtrack is a must own.

Things we learned:

Buster Poindexter kicks Hulk Hogan’s ass.

Hulk Hogan knows the dictionary definition of a microchip.

A wallet can electrocute people.

Nov

Dracula 3000

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Categories: Bad Movies, God Awful, Rules, Vampires and Washed up actors

Date Watched:

11/15/12

Plot:

In the year 3000, the deep space salvage ship Mother III locates the vanished starship Demeter in the Carpathian System. Captain Abraham Van Helsing and his crew composed of the blonde assistant Aurora Ash; the crippled navigator Arthur “The Professor” Holmwood, who believes that he is a genius; the strong and dumb Humvee; the intern Mina Murry; and the drug addicted 187, decide to claim the possession of Demeter. While exploring the spacecraft, they see a tape of fifty years ago of Captain Varna telling that he was locked in his cabin since his crew was acting weird after getting a cargo of coffins in Transylvania station. When 187 decides to search in the coffins for some possible hidden dope, he cuts his hand and his blood awakes Count Orlock, a.k.a. Count Dracula. When Aurora discloses who Dracula is, the survivors try to find a way to destroy the vampire. (From IMDB)

Year:

2004

Starring:

Casper Van Diem

Erika Eleniak

Coolio

Tiny Lister

Rules:

Every time Dr.’s video log comes on.

Coolio says dude.

Every time someone runs down a hallway.

They say Orlock.

Quotes:

“She’s still the same little shameless ho she’s always been.”

“Hang 10 Dude!”

“Oh, a metal plus sign, this dude was into mathematics. (About a cross.)”

“Your ass has never been hungry, and we aint gonna pass up this amount of cheese.”

“Sands aint worth nuthin!”

“Did I ever tell you how many times I’ve seen you and want to ejaculate all over your bazangas?”

Viewer Quotes:

“You know it’s a crappy movie when it’s an hour and 20 minute movie and it has a 5 minute intro.”

“Is this supposed to be a spaceship, because it’s obviously an oil refinery.”

“What’s the scientific explanation for sand becoming a vampire?”

“This guy’s had his platonic friend activator going his whole life.”

Not movie related discussion after the movie: “Isn’t David Bowie’s alter ego Captain Glitter-Face?” Response: “You mean Ziggy Star Dust?”

Things we learned:

Scuba gear doubles as a space suit.

Surfing is big in space – at least by a stoned Coolio.

Dope wasn’t legalized until the year 2950.

Normal bullets being shot in the future sound like lazers.

In the future they tell time using moon cycles.

We are now going to call silent farts “Orlocks”.

Robots are programmed to look like aging starlets.

The best things to use to kill vampires are pool cues.

Bad Movie Thursday

Archive for the 'Bad Movies' Category

Vs aka All superheroes must die (2011)

The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)

Fortress 2: Re-Entry (2000)

The Wicker Man

Iron Sky

Jack Frost 2: The Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

Lethal Target

The FP

Mr. Nanny

Dracula 3000

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