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21
Feb
14

Bullet to the Head (2012)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Gratuitous Violence, Rules and Washed up actors

Bullet to the Head

 

Viewing Date:  2/20/14

Starring:  Sylvester Stallone, Jason Momoa, Christian Slater

Plot:

In New Orleans, the hit men James Bonomo, a.k.a. Jimmy Bobo, and Louis Blanchard execute the dirty cop Hank Greely in a hotel room. But they are betrayed and Louis is stabbed in a bar by the mercenary Keegan while waiting for the payment of the contract. Meanwhile the Washington D.C. police detective Taylor Kwon comes to New Orleans to investigate the murder of Greely, who had stolen evidences from the Police Department. Soon he is shot by two dirty detectives but Jimmy saves his life. Jimmy brings Taylor to the shop of his daughter Lisa and she removes the bullet from his shoulder and nurses him. Taylor and Jimmy form the most unlikely partnership to investigate the crimes and after contacting the intermediate Ronnie Earl that had hired Jimmy and Louis, they discover a network of corruption formed by the lawyer Marcus Baptiste and the entrepreneur Robert Nkomo Morel. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Bullets to the head
  • Unnecessary flexing
  • Especially unintelligible dialogue
  • Breaking through stuff
  • Cats
  • Emphasis on tattoos
  • Say “Bobo”
  • Internal Monologues
  • Say “crescent city”

Quotes:

“Your choice, but make up your mind because my f@@king arm is getting tired.”

“Give him a band aid and a blow pop.”

“Rip it and zip it party boy.”

“When I want your opinion, I’ll buy you a brain.”

“Are we gonna fight, or are you going to bore me to death”

“What are we, f@@king Vikings?”

Viewer Quotes:

Question: “Do you think I could get away with walking into a bar and putting down a bottle of Bourbon and paying $25 for a glass”  Answer: “Maybe if you’re name is Bobo.”

“Christian Slater keeps making new shows, but they keep getting canceled.”

“This movie’s just going to pass us by, and we won’t remember anything about it.”

“I shot him, you’re welcome.”

Things we learned:

Stallone keeps awkward party masks on him at all times in order to fit in at naked lady costume parties.

Christian Slater talks toughs, but will fold after being hit once and give away any secret he has ever been told.

Stallone keeps his car wired to explode at all times.

New Orleans is the Crescent City.

Every cop is dirty in New Orleans.

Your safe house needs a trap door to be able to escape into the bayou.

Final take:

Two weeks from now we will have no clue what this movie was about.  I don’t know that I remember what this movie was about now.  I know that several people got shot in the head and that a couple of people had tattoos.  I think Stallone made several racially insensitive quotes about the Asian lead police officer, but I couldn’t really make out what he was saying, so I don’t know for sure.

17
Feb
14

Rubber

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies and Gratuitous Violence

Rubber-2010-film-poster

Viewing Date: Jan 30, 2014

Starring: Robert the tire

Plot

When Robert, a tire, discovers his destructive telepathic powers, he soon sets his sights on a desert town; in particular, a mysterious woman becomes his obsession.

Rules

  • Exploding heads or animals
  • Breaking the “4th wall”
  • Insect / telekinesis sounds
  • Psychokinetic powers
  • Peanut gallery commentary
  • Weird music that just doesn’t belong
  • “No reason.”

Quotes

“My God the kid was right.  The killer is the tire!”

“What position?  “Probably start with a nice blow job.”

“Get that dirty tire out of the pool or I’m going to get really mad!”

“Is the tire black?”

“You’re nothing but a rubber shit.”

“It’s not the end!!  He’s been reincarnated as a tricycle!”

Viewer Quotes

“How much time is left in this?”

“At least it was short.”

What We Learned

  • Tires have telekinesis
  • Tires can be reincarnated as tricycles
  • Women should close the door when they take showers in shitty motels.
  • There is no reason for anything
  • All important films contain an element of ‘no reason’
  • Some bad movies go by faster than you’d expect.

Final Take

This one had been on our list for a long time.  It seems like a wonderfully bad concept, but the filmmakers really have to beat you over the head with the fact that the film is all for no reason.  Really, we would be fine with “no reason”, but we are not fine with “no fun to watch”.  Unfortunately, this movie was both.

08
Feb
14

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Rules and Spin-off or sequel

Conan the Destroyer

 

Date Watched: 1/9/2014

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones, Wilt Chamberlin

Plot:

The wandering barbarian, Conan, alongside his goofy rogue pal, Malak, are tasked with escorting Queen Taramis’ virgin niece, Princess Jehnna and her bodyguard, Bombaata, to a mystical island fortress. They must retrieve a magical crystal that legends say can awaken the god of dreams, Dagoth. Along the way, Conan reunites with the wise wizard, Akiro and befriends the fierce female fighter, Zula. Together the heroes face ancient traps, powerful Wizards, plots of betrayal, and even the dream god, Dagoth, himself! (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Beheadings
  • Limbs chopped off
  • Say Cimmerian
  • Whip sounds
  • Feats of strength
  • Punching animals
  • Wizard performs magic

Advanced rule:

Say Bombaata

Quotes:

“You’re afraid of magic… and you will have to deal with it.”

“What good are swords against magic?”

“She must be a virgin when she’s returned to me… so she can be properly sacrificed.”

“I suppose nothing hurts you… only pain.”

“If you really want a man, you must join.  I mean how do you think flowers grow.”

“The girl’s destiny is to deliver a horn.”

“Every king has a fool.”  Response – “Oh, do I qualify?”

 

Viewer Quotes:

“Wow, did he just punch the horse?”

“What, he now just knocked out a camel!!!”

“Did he just say that you’ll touch the chest of a hairy man?”

“Could you imagine being on set in 1984 when this was being shot with Arnold, Grace Jones, and Wilt Chamberlin?  The coke fueled orgies!  I wonder if there is a documentary of this?”

 

Things We Learned:

Conan really hates animals and likes to punch them at each open opportunity.

Olivia d’Abo in the movie is the cousin of Maryam d’Abo and way hot in 1984.  She was also in the Wonder Years and yet another example of Kevin’s craziness that he would choose the ugly mongoose Winny Cooper over this hot tamale.

 

Final Take:

This is a prime example of a Bob Barker movie, in that the sequel has been vastly neutered from the original to secure a lower film rating.  (Ie Robocop is “R” and then Robocop 3 is “PG-13”.  Police Academy is “R”, Police Academy 2 “PG-13”, Police Academy 3 “PG”.  etc.)  Why do studios insist on doing this?  This never ends well, as maybe more kids can see the movie, but the final product is as watered down as a gin and tonic at a Chili’s in Provo, Utah.

So, Conan is back, but it’s a different genre.  Gone are the boobies and blood and instead we get family entertainment.  Conan should be deflowering virgins, not protecting them.

There is a lot of ridiculous wizardry and animal punching, so I would still give a BMT recommendation.

08
Feb
14

Gymkata (1985)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, God Awful, Rules and Uncategorized

Gymkata

Date Watched: 10/24/13

Starring: Kurt Thomas

Plot:

Johnathan Cabot is a champion gymnast. In the tiny, yet savage, country of Parmistan, there is a perfect spot for a “star wars” site. For the US to get this site, they must compete in the brutal “Game”. The government calls on Cabot, the son of a former operative, to win the game. Cabot must combine his gymnastics skills of the west with fighting secrets of the east and form GYMKATA! (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Kicks using gymnastics equipment
  • Dismounts
  • Say “Star Wars”
  • Unnecessary gymnastic moves

Quotes:

“No outsider has ever won the game in over 900 years.”

“Just a little Anti-American sentiment… aaarggggh!”

“Its not over yet, so put your hardware back in your pants.”

Viewer Quotes:

“She doesn’t speak… some might say the perfect woman.”

“The Asian woman is taller than him.  That’s not a good sign.”

“His whole life he came up short, no pun intended.”

“Is this the most dangerous game?”

“Gymkata is the currency of nations.”

Things we learned:

Small towns and villages often have gymnastics apparatus as part of their downtown décor to aid in the kicking of bad guys.

Final take:

An 80’s hidden classic.  There is really no reason for this movie to have been made, and it shows!  Bad plotting, bad acting, silly action set pieces – aka the perfect Bad Movie Thursday movie.  I would encourage anyone who comes across this little gem to grab a case of Rainier Ice, sit back, and enjoy.  Extra points if you watch the entire movie with the sound off and “You’re the best” from the Karate Kid playing on repeat in the background.

03
Jan
14

Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go To College

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Nudity, Puppets and Spin-off or sequel

ghoulies3

Viewing Date: Jan 2, 2014

Plot

A “Ghoulies” comic book is found in a frat house bathroom. The comic secretly holds powers over three lost Ghoulies that are imprisoned within its pages. They are soon released by Professor Ragnar who uses them in an attempt to stop ‘Prank Week’ where frats play tricks on each other for a tinfoil crown. Skip Carter and his frat house of party animals are destined to take back the crown but he is having problems with his girlfriend who is dating his arch rival, Jeremy. When Jeremy frames Skip, resulting in his expulsion, the Ghoulies are sent to kill Skip and any other frats that stand in their way.  (from IMDB)

Starring: Puppets, a guy that looks like James Spader and a girl that was on “All My Children” and Matthew Lillard.

Rules

  • Xylophone
  • “Prank” or pranks being committed
  • Bubbling toilets
  • Human hands with the puppets

Quotes

“She’ll do anything for a buck!”  “I didn’t know it was a stag party.”  “She had too much elk-ahol.” (all about a topless girl with a taxidermy deer head stuck on her head).

“It smells like there’s something screwy going on!”

“What a foul-smelling bag of puke!”

“I think it’s time we nailed Skippy Carter!”

“I’m sporting half a chubby.”

“I haven’t pulled a yank in days.”

Viewer Quotes

“Oops!  I have a boner.”

Things We Learned

  • If a closet full of clothes falls on you, you emerge fully clothed.
  • College in the 80’s was AWESOME!
  • College girls wash all their panties together.
  • The best way to ruin a college girls’ wardrobe is to steal her panties.
  • Getting a plunger stuck to your face will kill you.
  • You cannot be powerful without evil.

Final Take

This movie was stealing a page from the classic T&A college movies of the 80’s- when everything revolved around absurd college parties and “pranks”.  Only difference was this movie has some terrible puppets thrown in for comedy relief.  There is no gore, and really no scares, the puppets are just a plot device for the hero to overcome to win back the girl’s trust.  I’m not complaining- it was plenty entertaining this way.

11
Oct
13

Eliminators

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Cyborgs, Hillbillies and Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Image

Viewing Date: 10/10/13

Starring: Andrew Prine, Tasha Yar

Plot: A former pilot rebels against his creator, teaming up with the scientist responsible for android technology, her pet robot Spot, a rough-and-tumble riverboat guide, and a martial arts warrior.

Rules

  • “Mandroid”
  • “Reeves”
  • Flashbacks
  • Use of mandroid gizmo
  • Spot turns into pure energy
  • Camera Filter change
  • Mysterious ninja saves the day

Quotes

  • “Might I remind you that we’ve been dissecting the very building blocks of the universe!”
  • “Now I got you, you tin can son of a bitch!”
  • “Your arms, your leg units.  It’s my work – all of it.”
  • “You’re functioning primarily on your human brain.”
  • “Hey, man.  You need some body work?” – “You talking to me?”
  • “Oh mon dieu, are there really piranhas around here?” – “Nah.  Just snapping turtles.”
  • “I don’t like the looks of that stone age toothpick.”
  • “Oh swell.  Our little buddy.  I’ve lost my boat.  We’re stuck out here in the middle of nowhere.  What is this, anyway?  Some kind of god damn comic book?  We got robots.  We got cave men.  We got kung fu.  Well that’s it, alright?  I quit.”
  • “There’s no treasure!  This is all some kind of weird ass science fiction thing, right?”
  • “I’ll get you, you scrap-yard son of a bitch.”
  • “I’m not a man.  I’m a killing machine with no past and no future.”
  • “Reeves has perfected time travel.  I think he intends to go back and rule ancient Rome.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “I can’t tell if this movie is supposed to be in the future.”
  • “This is such a poorly choreographed fight scene.”
  • “You can’t lose someone on a river!”
  • “Least.  Exciting.  Boat.  Chase.”
  • “This movie has definitely taken a turn.  What is this riverboat bullshit?”
  • “This is a perfect Halloween costume!  You’re the mandroid, I’ll be Fontana, then there’s the chick scientist and you’re the mysterious Ninja!”
  • “Whoa.  It’s some kind of monkey people!”
  • “This movie has taken a turn for the better.  Monkey people and ninjas.”
  • “Again, the name of this movie is Eliminators.  What does that have to do with anything?”
  • “Fontana’s doing a good job of summarizing what this movie’s about.”
  • “Nobody else is amazed by the fact that this guy’s been to ancient rome?  No further questions!”
  • “We haven’t seen this ninja do anything except for the reverse fish.”
  • “When mandroids compete, the viewer wins!”

What We Learned

  • Mandroids pack away their legs when they get on their mobile units.
  • Mysterious ninjas catch fish in reverse, pulling them out of the water.
  • Ancient cave men are gay.
  • Evil scientists can inhabit small robots.
  • Mysterious ninjas can jump through a fan’s spinning blades.
  • You could make whatever kind of crap movie you wanted in the 80’s.

Final Take

 I liked this movie.  Sure, there was a 45 minute meaningless riverboat trip, and introducing a mysterious ninja right at the end made no sense at all, but that was all part of the fun.  There were tons of quotes, weird floating robots, mandroids, ninjas, and time travel all in one crazy package.  It was fun.

16
Aug
13

Spill / Virus

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies and Washed up actors

virus

Viewing Date: 8/15/2013

Starring: Brian Bosworth

Plot: A deadly biological agent is released into a national park because an inept truck driver crashes.  The Boz, playing the Presidential head of security, must rescue everyone using the power of football.

Rules

  • Football references
  • The Boz says “gentlemen”
  • The Boz says “game”
  • Hazmat suits
  • Someone sneezes
  • Boz vision (qualifies as ‘creature vision’)
  • Geyers erupting
  • Someone says “Fairchild”

 Quotes
“An egg?  What are you, a Wisenheimer?”

“If the mother had told me what was in the truck I never would have made the deal!”

“Turns you every-which color.  Gives you two or three assholes.  Some serious shit!”

“I’ve got 50.”  “It only takes one, sucker.”

“What if I were to say ‘stuff your politics’?”

Viewer Quotes

“Speechifying?  Is that a word?”

“It’s incredible it took that guiy so long to crash after popping pills and drinking all night.”

“All of the steroids in his system have made him immune to the pathogen.”

“Did she just call him ‘Boz’?”

“I like that phallic pumpkin there.”

“How did this movie get made?”  “Brian Bosworth thought it would resurrect his career.”

What We Learned

  • The Boz never could and never will be able to act.
  • Park Rangers carry assault rifles and become soldiers in events of biological weapon spills (the movie may have tried to explain this, but we choose to ignore)
  • Ontario, Canada looks nothing like Oregon (despite what the producers thought)
  • Motorcycle wheelies deflect bullets
  • Thermally heated water will kill all biological / viral agents
  • Having a cold will prevent you from being infected by deadly biological agents

Final Take

This movie was boring…. so boring.  Brian Bosworth plays himself, where instead of being a star college football player turned washed up actor, he is a star college football star turned head of secret service!  He meets a cowgirl with whom he has no absolutely no chemistry.  Luckily they are able to save the day together because they have a mild form of the common cold which renders them immume to a biological agent that is otherwise capable of killing within seconds.   An evil wing of the goverment will stop at nothing to cover up the spill- even if it means the head of the group wandering around in the wild shooting grenades at the Boz.  Sound entertaining?  It’s not.  There are about 45 minutes in the middle of this movie where the Boz and his crew are wandering around and absoutely nothing happens.  They have some meaningless dialogue.  Evil Park Rangers jump them.  It’s all terrible.

11
Aug
13

Sharknado

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, God Awful, SciFi Channel and Washed up actors

sharknado

Viewing Date: 7/18/2013

Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid

Plot

When a freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles, nature’s deadliest killer rules sea, land, and air as thousands of sharks terrorize the waterlogged populace (from IMDB.com).

Rules

  • People getting killed by sharks
  • Shark cam (house rule of “creature vision” applies, this is only a reminder)
  • Shark fin
  • Footage of a real shark is used
  • References to Jaws (drink 2)
  • Aussie guy says any stereotypical Aussie stuff (g’day, krikey, etc)

Quotes

“Sharks don’t like vegemite”

“It’s like Old Faithful!”  “We’ll need faith to get through that!!’

“Hey, I fell off a slide when I was two.  Hurt like hell….”

Viewer Quotes

“Hey baby, I’m a Chippendales dancer!”

“He’s all ‘Johnny Manziel’d’.”

“How many sharks does it take to eat a drunk guy?”

“Her (Tara Reid) face looks like a shiny piece of plastic.”

“It’s a sharter spout.”

“Scorpion avalanche!”

What We Learned

  • Sharks can flood houses and eventually make them explode
  • Sharks can travel through drains and sewers- really they can appear out of nowhere.
  • Sharks can climb ropes
  • Movie car rental places stay open during the worst storm in California’s history.  These rental cars have real nitro boosters included!
  • You can survive in a shark’s stomach for an extended amount of time.
  • It takes a propane bomb and a helicopter to kill a sharknado
  • Sharks have the accuracy of a tomahawk missile when airborne and always fly teeth-first.

Final Take

We actually watched a few minutes of Sharknado during the world premier on SyFy, but had no idea that it would become the big deal that it did, so we had to schedule the next Thursday for a viewing.  Did Sharknado live up to all the expectations?  Did it deserve all the press? Yes and no. This movie did truly hit a homerun as far as casting, and overall absurdity. It really had everything that we love here on BMT: washed up actors, horrible dialogue, bad special effects… So what’s not to like. Maybe it’s just me personally, but I can smell a SyFy Channel movie a mile a way, and even though this might be the cream of the crop, it still is a little off-putting. Something about the video quality, pacing, and how the CGI is cut into the scenes with the actors… But somehow it doesn’t completely feel like a real movie for me- more like a tv mini series or a Stargate spinoff.
Once past the SyFy hang-ups, this movie was quite entertaining, and had us laughing and engaged the whole time, so it was a win overall. Most of our enjoyment came from trying to come up with a movie to match the absurdity of Sharknado (how many viewers out there did the same?). We settled on “Scorpion Avalanche”- maybe “Scorp-valanche”. We had it casted, the plot set and how the climax was going to play out. I don’t know if any of us remember the details, but still no stealing this idea.

09
Aug
13

Executive Target (1997)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Nudity, Rules and Washed up actors

Executive Target

Date Watched: 8/8/13

Starring: Michael Madsen, Angie Everhart, Roy Scheider, Keith David

Plot:

A stunt driver (Michael Madsen) heading for prison on a minor charge is freed against his will by a terrorist gang. Then by kidnapping his wife, he is forced to drive a getaway car in a plot to kidnap the President from a motorcade. (From IMDB)

 

Rules:

-Airborne Cars

-Every time Angie Everhart says f%ck

-Car crash

-Michael Madsen adjusts his sunglasses

-Keith David wears a different sweater vest or says ass

 

Quotes:

“You’re Evil Knievil to us now muther  f%cker, now move!”

“What the hell is this… the Batcave.”

“Now do your job Mr. Stuntman and lose these assholes.”

“How can you do this… you’re an American.”

To a woman: “Now tell me that doesn’t  give you a hard on.”

 

Viewer Quotes:

“Michael Madsen is good.  He can walk around the streets of LA in a full orange prison jumpsuit and handcuffs and avoid detection.”

“He had the whole world in his hand being a Hollywood stunt driver.”

“I’m scared when Keith David asks me to play a game.  I hope it doesn’t involve ass-to-ass.”

“Just because he’s good at racing cars means he’s good at model cars.”

“I’m sure there’s nothing that a stunt driver likes more than an automatic transmission.”

 

What we learned:

Bad guys have partners just like cops that they have for years and care about.

Car crashes through camper tops are much cooler than normal.

The A-Team van is not only used by the A-Team, but also by washed up convict stuntmen for bank heists.

Angie Everhart stopped being hot sometime before 1997.

Top secret area “55” is somewhere in Los Angeles.

Evil bad guy generals can get off in situations where the movie just needs to end w/o a resolution.

Even in a make believe movie, Michael Madsen will get caught with an 18 year old girl and a bag full of blow.

 

Final Take:

There are some movies that are unforgettable like Star Wars or the Godfather, and there are some movies that you forget immediately after watching them like Captain America or Nottinghill, and then there are a few that you forget while actually watching them like Executive Target.  I think we were watching a movie about a bank heist?  And then there’s Roy Scheider  schlubbing as a do gooder President and an evil general?  Is this the same movie?  I think I missed something when I reached for another beer.

This movie sports an impressive budget and a number of explosions and flying cars, so I really can’t complain that much.  I just have no final take and no memory of even watching the movie.

12
Jul
13

America 3000

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Amazon women, Bad Movies and Postapocalyptic

ImageDate Watched: 7/11/2013

Starring: Laurene Landon and Beastman

Plot: This movie supposedly takes place 900 years in the future after a nuclear war between the Mericans and Commies has decimated mankind.  In a crazy twist on the current state of affairs, war-like women now rule the world and keep men as slaves.  Will the infighting and jealousy of the ruling women be their undoing?  Will the pure hearts of the men grant them freedom from their oppressors?  Will someone please pick a better soundtrack for this movie?

Rules:

  • Whiplash noise
  • Woman punches man
  • Song starts that has nothing to do with the movie.
  • New word is translated for us.
  • Slow Motion
  • “Neggy” or “Plugot” <advanced rule>

Quotes:

  • “…and the world was woggos.” – “(In the old speak, that means crazy!”
  • “I went for the weps, he went for the eats.”
  • “Neggy more machos, neggy more toys.”  – “Neggy more seeders?”  – “Neggy more seeders!”
  • “Everything was going hot plastic.”
  • “Taste this.  It tastes cold woggos but it makes you feel hot plastic.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This is a coke-fueled disaster.”
  • “That hat was pretty nice-looking for being 900 years old.”
  • “We just have to get through this elaborate plot setup and then this movie’s going to pick up steam.”
  • “This movie is neggy plastic.”
  • “Look!  The rolling stones farewell tour!”
  • “That was the best ending I could have imagined!”

What We Learned:

  • A new language where plastic takes on a whole new meaning.
  • The Rolling Stones went on a farewell tour in 1989.
  • Reagan was into Centipede and Pinball and had a huge stack of playboys.  And lasers.
  • When you’re in a war and have the only laser gun, don’t bother using it.
  • If the world was run by women, men would be machos, seeders, and toys, and women would be very war-like.

Final Take

This movie was pretty entertaining.  There were a few places where it really slows down and you start losing interest, but on the whole it wasn’t bad.  At first I couldn’t understand half of what they were talking about.  They use some weird made up slang that is complete nonsense when you initially hear it.  But I will admit, it does grow on you.  By the end I had neggy problems at all and everything was hot plastic.  Also, the narrator was awful.  I wish that was an audio track I could just turn off, but there was neggy an option for that.  In spite of that, I have to give this movie a solid recommendation.

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