08
Feb
14

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

Conan the Destroyer

 

Date Watched: 1/9/2014

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones, Wilt Chamberlin

Plot:

The wandering barbarian, Conan, alongside his goofy rogue pal, Malak, are tasked with escorting Queen Taramis’ virgin niece, Princess Jehnna and her bodyguard, Bombaata, to a mystical island fortress. They must retrieve a magical crystal that legends say can awaken the god of dreams, Dagoth. Along the way, Conan reunites with the wise wizard, Akiro and befriends the fierce female fighter, Zula. Together the heroes face ancient traps, powerful Wizards, plots of betrayal, and even the dream god, Dagoth, himself! (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Beheadings
  • Limbs chopped off
  • Say Cimmerian
  • Whip sounds
  • Feats of strength
  • Punching animals
  • Wizard performs magic

Advanced rule:

Say Bombaata

Quotes:

“You’re afraid of magic… and you will have to deal with it.”

“What good are swords against magic?”

“She must be a virgin when she’s returned to me… so she can be properly sacrificed.”

“I suppose nothing hurts you… only pain.”

“If you really want a man, you must join.  I mean how do you think flowers grow.”

“The girl’s destiny is to deliver a horn.”

“Every king has a fool.”  Response – “Oh, do I qualify?”

 

Viewer Quotes:

“Wow, did he just punch the horse?”

“What, he now just knocked out a camel!!!”

“Did he just say that you’ll touch the chest of a hairy man?”

“Could you imagine being on set in 1984 when this was being shot with Arnold, Grace Jones, and Wilt Chamberlin?  The coke fueled orgies!  I wonder if there is a documentary of this?”

 

Things We Learned:

Conan really hates animals and likes to punch them at each open opportunity.

Olivia d’Abo in the movie is the cousin of Maryam d’Abo and way hot in 1984.  She was also in the Wonder Years and yet another example of Kevin’s craziness that he would choose the ugly mongoose Winny Cooper over this hot tamale.

 

Final Take:

This is a prime example of a Bob Barker movie, in that the sequel has been vastly neutered from the original to secure a lower film rating.  (Ie Robocop is “R” and then Robocop 3 is “PG-13”.  Police Academy is “R”, Police Academy 2 “PG-13”, Police Academy 3 “PG”.  etc.)  Why do studios insist on doing this?  This never ends well, as maybe more kids can see the movie, but the final product is as watered down as a gin and tonic at a Chili’s in Provo, Utah.

So, Conan is back, but it’s a different genre.  Gone are the boobies and blood and instead we get family entertainment.  Conan should be deflowering virgins, not protecting them.

There is a lot of ridiculous wizardry and animal punching, so I would still give a BMT recommendation.

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