Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: 12/1/2016

Starring: William Shatner

Plot: Interwoven stories that take place on Christmas Eve, as told by one festive radio host: A family brings home more than a Christmas tree, a student documentary becomes a living nightmare, a Christmas spirit terrorizes, Santa slays evil (via IMDB).

Rules

• “Bailey Downs”
• Christmas puns
• “Krampus”

Quotes

• “Its like Dracula and Paul Bunyun gayed up and built a dream home”
• “I said I didn’t want a goddamn cookie, you reindeer fucking snow whore!!!”
• “Elves coming back to life?  No it doesn’t make sense- unless he is behind it!”

Viewer Quotes

• “That’s a good Krampus!”

What We Learned

• Changlings are perverts
• William Shatner will do anything for a paycheck
• If your son murders his father, it’s not really a concern, in the long run.
• This movie would have been so much better if it was only about the Santa vs. Zombie elves story.

Final Take

Not a bad movie.  Production value and acting quality were very good- its just the inconsistent blending of story lines ended up dragging down the entire movie.  Had they just focused on the effective stories, they still could have effectively pulled off the “Ah Ha” moment- but the William Shatner / Radio host involvement did not make sense or add anything valuable to the story line.   Bottom line: Its not a bad holiday horror film, but it should have played to its strengths.

Starring: Whole bunch of has-beens (Danny Glover, Baldwin #3, Mr. Blonde, Daryl Hannah)

Date Watched: 11/17/2016

Plot: Ryan, a Green War rebel agent sent on a mission to collect evidence against the Confederate Central Government, for its heinous crimes. The mission quickly turns chaotic when he meets Tuage, a mutant survivor.

Rules

• Danny Glover talks techno mumbo-jumbo.
• “Confederation”
• Say “Anti-Rad” or use anti-rad
• “Tuag”
• Steven Baldwin in blackface

Quotes

• “Who is this monkey?”
• “Crazy about Freddy Krueger.”
• “You sound like a fortune cookie.”
• “Let’s look at the future.  I don’t even give a rat’s ass about your ideas.”
• “You can trust me, I believe in God.”
• “The world is so amazing and so crazy.”

Viewer Quotes

• “If you guess how many bodies are in the pile, you get to keep them all.”
• “She has boots made of human scalps.”
• “This movie is anti-rad.”
• “What is going on here?  Does anyone know what’s happening?”

Things We Learned

• You don’t always have to shoot an elephant to bring home dinner.
• Danny Glover talks way too much and doesn’t say anything.
• Blackface is never a good idea, not even for a Baldwin.
• It’s easier to write in your own blood then find another medium.
• Terrorists hide in charity organizations.
• Radiation = coma in 6 hours, unless you have anti-rad
• Getting shot in the head is a minor inconvenience in 2047.

Final Take:

Date Watched: 10/06/2016

Starring: Jackie Chan?  Edward Furlong, Vinnie Jones, Daryl Hannah

Plot: A random group of people wake up on an Island where they are being hunted down in a sinister plot to harvest their organs.

Rules

• People are killed
• Whenever Edward Furlong makes you cringe.
• Recognizing a random actor.
• Whenever they use the “nighttime” blue filter.
• Guessing who’s going to turn out to be a traitor.

Quotes

• “Billy!  You know what sounds good?  Like, a bike ride, and a nice cup of coffee.”
• “Well you should have stayed away.  I’m no good.”

Viewer Quotes

• “This is good.” – “Real good.  It’s like a who’s who of 90’s B list actors.”
• “I don’t think this is quite how sharks work.”
• “I don’t get it, if you want to harvest people’s organs, why not just take them to a room and do it?  Why leave them on an island?”
• “What happened to Edward Furlong?  Did she die while I was looking the other way?”
• “Look at that, bottles of bud in with the organs!”

What We Learned

• When being attacked by 3 people, toss your dog tags at someone and yell “catch!”.
• You should always ruin your comrades’ sacrifice by going back for him after he tells you to leave.
• The beach is a great place to bury someone.
• Contestants on Survivor would make great organ donors.
• Edward Furlong can disappear from a movie without anyone noticing.
• The best way to harvest organs is to leave the hosts on a deserted island for a few weeks to detox them.

Final Take:

Date Watched: 08/18/2016

Plot: After chomping through the fish population, thousands of starved lampreys begin attacking the citizens of a sleepy lake town, and the community scrambles to stay alive.

Rules

• “Lamprey”
• Montages
• Lamprey kill
• Driving by the same stretch of land.

Quotes

• “Nice pet.  Looks like an anus with teeth.”
• “Look at you, scooting your butt.  I’m going to call you Scooter.”
• “Operation Cold One is a go.”
• “Does that look like a hickey to you, sir?”
• “These lamprey are fast, they’re strong, and they’re out for human blood.”
• “Hey, this is Nicole.  Don’t leave a message, just text me.”
• “Burn them all, mom, burn them all.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Scooter, come back!” – “I’ll be back when you need me, boy.”

Things We Learned

• Lampreys can live outside of water for quite a while.
• Lampreys are a deadly threat to all life.
• Basements somehow double as attics.
• Fish and Wildlife employees make pretty good money.

Final Take:

Watched: 7/14/2016

Starring:  Lance Henriksen

Plot: A group of grad students have booked passage on the crabbing boat Harbinger to study the effects of global warming on a pod of Belugas in the Bering Sea. When the ship’s crew dredges up a recently thawed piece of old Soviet space wreckage, things get downright deadly. It seems that the Russians experimented with tardigrades, tiny resilient animals able to withstand the extremes of space radiation. The creatures survived, but not without mutation. Now the crew is exposed to aggressively mutating organisms. And after being locked in ice for 3 decades, the creatures aren’t about to give up the warmth of human companionship. (via imdb)

Rules

• Monster tentacles
• Freezing stuff
• Translating Russian
• Professor douchebag acting like a douchebag.
• Say “Tardigrade” or “Water Bear”
• We see the Russian character’s crazy eyes

Quotes

“Are you all the way from Russia?”  “All the way?  It’s right there.  I can see Alaska from my house.”

“Is this because of our space man?”

“We’re going to to need a bigger bucket.”

Viewer Quotes

“Did we figure out why Macy Gray is on the boat?”

“Too many glory holes for a man to get stuck in.”

What We Learned

•  If you’ve lived on the sea, you’ve earned the nickname “Doc”
• Freeze melts, fire is forever.
• Men can’t fit down in the hull of the boat for some reason.
• Crashing a boat into an iceberg will kill a parasitic organism that can  live in space or frozen for decades in ice.

Final Take

Not terrible.  It was refreshing to see a recent movie that didn’t rely on terrible CGI for effects.  They weren’t the best effects, but similar enough to good 80’s creature movies like The Thing, Leviathan, Deep Star Six, etc, to make this one enjoyable.  It had the requisite cliche characters, but overall worth watching.

Viewing Date: 5/26/16

Plot:Rufus, Darwin, and Coopersmith are three nerdy, but hunky young college students who score themselves a dream summer job working at a swanky mansion owned by wealthy and sexy middle-aged babes Clara, Victoria, and Edwina. However, the gals turn out to be a coven of deadly witches who transform into flesh-eating cougars who need fresh young man meat in order to live forever.

Starring: A whole lot of nobody

Rules:

• Drinking wine
• Turning into cougars
• Snarling noises
• Guys rubbing themselves / looped footage
• Walking around in circles / witch rituals
• xylophone music

Quotes:

“Gift horses don’t eat people.”

“I guess Coopersmith didn’t tell you a lot of things.”

Viewer Quotes:

“There sure are lot of looped scenes of shirtless guys touching themselves.”

“It’s all rules and nothing else.”

What We Learned:

Do not watch.  This is one of the worst movies (not in a good way) that we’ve ever encountered on bad movie Thursday.  We only stuck with it because it was so short.  I’m not even sure who the target audience of the movie was supposed to be.   It was like a poorly acted porn with no nudity.  Avoid at all costs.