Bad Movie Thursday

Date Watched: 2/16/2017

Starring: Garbage

Plot: The pupils at a high school next to a nuclear power plant start acting and looking strange after buying contaminated drugs from a plant worker.

Rules

• “Troma”
• Seeing Nuclear Waste
• Anything that’s “Too 80’s”
• “Cretin”

Quotes

• “I don’t give a wet fart what you think.”
• “That’s one way to evacuate the school.”
• “I suggest you make like a hockey stick and get the fuck out of here.”
• “It may just be my woman’s intuition, but something’s going on!”
• “Does this mean we’re not going to the Fellini festival?”
• “God Bless America, limp dick”
• “Nobody does this to Taroo!”

Viewer Quotes

• “Who’s this movie about?  Who’s the star?”
• “What!?  Was that supposed to be his boner?”

Things We Learned

• Touching nuclear waste turns you into a crazed lunatic murderer.
• When you watch MTV, you turn into a cretin.

Viewing Date: 12/1/2016

Starring: William Shatner

Plot: Interwoven stories that take place on Christmas Eve, as told by one festive radio host: A family brings home more than a Christmas tree, a student documentary becomes a living nightmare, a Christmas spirit terrorizes, Santa slays evil (via IMDB).

Rules

• “Bailey Downs”
• Christmas puns
• “Krampus”

Quotes

• “Its like Dracula and Paul Bunyun gayed up and built a dream home”
• “I said I didn’t want a goddamn cookie, you reindeer fucking snow whore!!!”
• “Elves coming back to life?  No it doesn’t make sense- unless he is behind it!”

Viewer Quotes

• “That’s a good Krampus!”

What We Learned

• Changlings are perverts
• William Shatner will do anything for a paycheck
• If your son murders his father, it’s not really a concern, in the long run.
• This movie would have been so much better if it was only about the Santa vs. Zombie elves story.

Final Take

Not a bad movie.  Production value and acting quality were very good- its just the inconsistent blending of story lines ended up dragging down the entire movie.  Had they just focused on the effective stories, they still could have effectively pulled off the “Ah Ha” moment- but the William Shatner / Radio host involvement did not make sense or add anything valuable to the story line.   Bottom line: Its not a bad holiday horror film, but it should have played to its strengths.

Starring: Whole bunch of has-beens (Danny Glover, Baldwin #3, Mr. Blonde, Daryl Hannah)

Date Watched: 11/17/2016

Plot: Ryan, a Green War rebel agent sent on a mission to collect evidence against the Confederate Central Government, for its heinous crimes. The mission quickly turns chaotic when he meets Tuage, a mutant survivor.

Rules

• Danny Glover talks techno mumbo-jumbo.
• “Confederation”
• Say “Anti-Rad” or use anti-rad
• “Tuag”
• Steven Baldwin in blackface

Quotes

• “Who is this monkey?”
• “Crazy about Freddy Krueger.”
• “You sound like a fortune cookie.”
• “Let’s look at the future.  I don’t even give a rat’s ass about your ideas.”
• “You can trust me, I believe in God.”
• “The world is so amazing and so crazy.”

Viewer Quotes

• “If you guess how many bodies are in the pile, you get to keep them all.”
• “She has boots made of human scalps.”
• “This movie is anti-rad.”
• “What is going on here?  Does anyone know what’s happening?”

Things We Learned

• You don’t always have to shoot an elephant to bring home dinner.
• Danny Glover talks way too much and doesn’t say anything.
• Blackface is never a good idea, not even for a Baldwin.
• It’s easier to write in your own blood then find another medium.
• Terrorists hide in charity organizations.
• Radiation = coma in 6 hours, unless you have anti-rad
• Getting shot in the head is a minor inconvenience in 2047.

Final Take:

Date Watched: 10/06/2016

Starring: Jackie Chan?  Edward Furlong, Vinnie Jones, Daryl Hannah

Plot: A random group of people wake up on an Island where they are being hunted down in a sinister plot to harvest their organs.

Rules

• People are killed
• Whenever Edward Furlong makes you cringe.
• Recognizing a random actor.
• Whenever they use the “nighttime” blue filter.
• Guessing who’s going to turn out to be a traitor.

Quotes

• “Billy!  You know what sounds good?  Like, a bike ride, and a nice cup of coffee.”
• “Well you should have stayed away.  I’m no good.”

Viewer Quotes

• “This is good.” – “Real good.  It’s like a who’s who of 90’s B list actors.”
• “I don’t think this is quite how sharks work.”
• “I don’t get it, if you want to harvest people’s organs, why not just take them to a room and do it?  Why leave them on an island?”
• “What happened to Edward Furlong?  Did she die while I was looking the other way?”
• “Look at that, bottles of bud in with the organs!”

What We Learned

• When being attacked by 3 people, toss your dog tags at someone and yell “catch!”.
• You should always ruin your comrades’ sacrifice by going back for him after he tells you to leave.
• The beach is a great place to bury someone.
• Contestants on Survivor would make great organ donors.
• Edward Furlong can disappear from a movie without anyone noticing.
• The best way to harvest organs is to leave the hosts on a deserted island for a few weeks to detox them.

Final Take:

Date Watched: 08/18/2016

Plot: After chomping through the fish population, thousands of starved lampreys begin attacking the citizens of a sleepy lake town, and the community scrambles to stay alive.

Rules

• “Lamprey”
• Montages
• Lamprey kill
• Driving by the same stretch of land.

Quotes

• “Nice pet.  Looks like an anus with teeth.”
• “Look at you, scooting your butt.  I’m going to call you Scooter.”
• “Operation Cold One is a go.”
• “Does that look like a hickey to you, sir?”
• “These lamprey are fast, they’re strong, and they’re out for human blood.”
• “Hey, this is Nicole.  Don’t leave a message, just text me.”
• “Burn them all, mom, burn them all.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Scooter, come back!” – “I’ll be back when you need me, boy.”

Things We Learned

• Lampreys can live outside of water for quite a while.
• Lampreys are a deadly threat to all life.
• Basements somehow double as attics.
• Fish and Wildlife employees make pretty good money.

Final Take: