Archive Page 30

31
Aug
12

Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies and Transvestites

Viewing Date: 8/30/2012

Summary: A group of trannies are violently bashed and left for dead. The surviving ladies regain consciousness, confidence, and courage ready to seek out revenge on the ones who attacked them.

Starring: a bunch of Transvestites.

Rules:

Chapter Change.

Snaps

“Honey”

“Bubbles”

Quotes:

“This ain’t bridge over troubled tranny.”

“I’m sorry, but all further questions must be submitted in writing and emailed to shut the hell up dot com.”

(fart) “Oops.  ‘Scuse me.  Tacos.”

“No Boner don’t!  Stay down!”

Viewer Quotes:

“I just want to see what they look like- the nipples.”

What We Learned:

Getting hit over the head and going into a coma gives you a lisp.

 

24
Aug
12

Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies (2012)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Image

Plot:

While the Civil War rages on, President Abraham Lincoln must undertake an even more daunting task – destroying the Confederate Undead. *Note – all undead are from the south.

Starring Sean Penn (allegedly)

Rules:

  • “Operation Shanty”
  • Decapitations
  • “Mr. Brown”
  • Historical figure references from out of nowhere.

Quotes:

  • “Zombies?!  That sounds like slave talk to me, sir!”
  • “Emancipate this!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Is that supposed to be Benjamin Franklin?”
  • “Why is he the only one moving in slow motion?”
  • “How are they going to get anywhere, walking like they’re walking?”
  • “Why didn’t he bring soldiers instead of this troupe of gentlemen?”
  • “Didn’t he tell these dudes what they were in for first?”
  • “Is he really named Brown?  Was this made in 2012?”
  • “Bam!  What can Brown do for you?”
  • “Why is this guy being such a douche to Lincoln when he’s the one that’s been saving their bacon?”
  • “Why didn’t he just jump to the side of that train?  Why run along the tracks?”
  • “Why do they keep leaving the fort?  They just keep losing people every time they leave!”
  • “I hear it went well?  They lost almost everyone that went with them!”
  • “Whores and no boobs?  Come on…”

What We Learned:

  • Abraham Lincoln led his own poorly run special missions with ill-informed untrained gentlemen. 
  • Lincoln’s mother was a zombie.
  • Abraham Lincoln has poor taste in women and nearly married a whore.
  • Abraham Lincoln always uses the back door.
  • Teddy Roosevelt got the quote “Walk softly and carry a big stick” from Lincoln.
  • People from the south are completely unreasonable.  They will not even make peace with the north long enough to destroy the zombies in their fort. 
  • Every plan should involve ziplines.
17
Aug
12

Poultygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized

Rules:

Bodily Fluids

Singing

Masturbation references

Troma references

Chicken references

 

Quotes:

You see I was antibeastiality and he was pro.

Who put these mysterious vein covered pulsating eggs in this box?

Now eat my meat you vegan whores!

How can I ever love someone who wants me to eat cock.

The chicken, the chicken has declared jihad on us all.

There’s a severed penis in this sloppy Jose.

I’ll believe in the supernatural when I see it talking sandwich.

If we don’t find a way to stop them we’ll all have mops shoved up our asses.

Hummus see if you can find his rectum.

I wish I was a princess.  (As two chicken men pull a guy apart.)

Wendy you fucking drunk.

 

Things I learned:

Never again.

You can make movies in 2006 that look like they’re from 1992.

Alcohol kills zombie Native American chickens.

 

Viewer Quotes:

“I want to unlearn this movie”

“There were a lot of boobs, but less then half of them were decent.”

16
Aug
12

Cool As Ice

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies and God Awful

Viewing Date: Aug 9, 2012

Starring: Vanilla Ice, Michael Gross

Summary: The old teen rebel saga is updated for the rap crowd, unfortunately rapper Vanilla Ice is the teen. Ice shows up on a neon-yellow motorcycle which gets everyone’s attention, including the female honor student who has never had a rebellious bone in her body.

Rules:

“Yep yep.”

Vanilla Ice doing motorcycle tricks.

Any spontaneous rapping or dancing.

Any time Vanilla Ice changes his hair or hat.

White people being shocked / disgusted.

“ice”

Quotes:

“Yo.  Peep that out.”

“You know.  The chick that drives the hooise.”

“I’m a big boy.  I’m also a thirsty one.”

Viewer Quotes:

“I wonder if Vanilla Ice falls asleep to this movie every night with a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand…”

“Where are they?  Pee Wee’s playhouse?”

What We Learned:

You walk down the middle of the street in small towns.

Be kool, stay in skool.

20
Jul
12

Solarbabies

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies and Postapocalyptic
Tags: , , , , ,

Image

Starring: Jason Patric (from Speed 2: Cruise Control), potentially Cory Haim, dude from Heroes.

Plot: Something about an orb that can tell the future.  It’s post-apocalyptic and there are kids with roller skates.

Rules:

  • Skating across a bridge
  • Torture scenes
  • Skate jumping
  • “Orb”
  • “Scorpion”
  • “Bodai”

Quotes:

  • “Get out you creature of filth.”
  • “The owl…is it yours?” – “As much as an owl is anyone’s.”
  • “We wait.  We follow.  We got them all.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Uh Oh.  Here comes the skaters.”
  • “Why do they all have lights on their skates?” – “It’s more futuristic that way!”
  • “The guy from Cool-Hand Luke!
  • “Oh my god.  This guy’s got a falcon.”
  • “A good way to stop skaters is to not pave everything.”
  • “So he was deaf?  How come he can speak so well?”
  • “Bodai is the golden rule.  Every other word.”
  • “There’s not paved paths wherever you go out in the wild!”
  • “Whoa! Is that the uncle from the Adams’ Family?”

Things that we learned

  • The post-apocalyptic future is covered in paved walkways.
  • In the future, dogs wear head lamps.
  • The best way to get away from future cops is to put yourself in a tire and roll away.
  • Slow, clumsy robots aren’t very effective.
  • Bodai doesn’t leave, he’s always there.  Jesus?
13
Jul
12

GingerDead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized

Summary: The gingerdead man travels back in time to 1976 and carries out an epic disco killing spree.

Viewing Date: 7/12/12

Rules:

70’s cliches (white suits, disco balls, drug use, etc.)

Silence of the Lambs references.

Baked goods puns

Men playing female characters (first scene only)

Miscellaneous scenes of roller skate bogeying.

Quotes:

“He said I can smell your muffin.”

“I think I’d like to peel off those satin pants and ball you in the back of my Trans Am.”

“Of all the shithead decades to get stranded in.”

“Some hose for the ho’s.”

“Don’t go, stay, we’ll burn that dress and pray together.”

“You’re one hot twat Babe.”

“There’s magic spinning from those wheels Cherry.”

“If I hadn’t spent all those drunken nights at the Indian Casino I’d be able to pay those back taxes.”

“It’s a homicidal confectionery treat.”

Watcher Quotes:

“Why is there a vat of hydrochloric acid at a roller skating rink?”

“What, did they open the Arc of the Covenant?”

“Do they call this guy Tux because he’s always wearing a tuxedo t-shirt?”

“If I was going to bring back people from time to help me I wouldn’t bring back Hitler and a bunch of serial killers.”

What I learned from this movie:

A crazy barrel jumping cross-dresser caused Pearl Harbor.

FDR was at Pearl Harbor.

GingerDead men have penises.

Time machines are made at hospitals for the criminally insane baked goods.

Hitler loves to Roller Boogie.

15
Jun
12

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

By badmoviethursday 1 Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Spin-off or sequel and Washed up actors
Tags: , , ,

Viewing Date: 6/14/2012

Starring: The Nicholas Cage

Summary: Johnny Blaze, a man who made a deal with the Devil who called himself Roarke at the time, is on the run trying to make sure no-one is harmed by his alter ego, The Ghost Rider. He is approached by a Monk named Moreau who tells him that he can help be him free of the Rider, but first, he needs Johnny’s help to protect a boy, whom Roarke has plans for.

Rules:

  • Motorcycle trail of hellfire
  • “Rider”
  • “Johnny Blaze”
  • Turning into the Rider
  • Pissing Hellfire (two drinks)

Quotes:

  • “No, I get it. You’re the Devil’s baby mama.”
  • “The only thing standing between you and the Rider is me. He’s scraping at the door. SCRAPING AT THE DOOOOR!!!”
  • “You will tell me or I will eat your stinking soooouul!”

What we learned:

  • Clowns, Stalin, Groucho Marx and Jerry Springer are the Devil.
  • The farthest place from heaven? It’s in Turkey.
  • Politicians, murderers, people of influence = the Devil’s soldiers.
08
Jun
12

Transylmania

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Murdered teenagers and Vampires

Viewing Date: 2/9/2012

Starring: No one.

Summary:

Moronic American student Rusty arranges a student exchange program for his closest friends and him to study in Romania for six months and meet his Internet girlfriend Draguta. He travels with potheads Pete and Wang, Pete’s girlfriend Lia and her twin sister Danni, the naive and romantic Newmar and his dippy girlfriend Lynne, the nerd Brady and his sexually confused roommate Mike, and crook Cliff. His friends actually intend to party. While traveling by train to Razvan they learn that five hundred years ago the vampire Radu lost his beloved Stephania, whose spirit was trapped in a music box. Ever since, Radu has kept Stephania’s body while seeking the music box to bring her back. One of Radu’s minions has recently retrieved the music box but, mortally wounded by the vampire slayer Teodora Van Sloan, drops the object in a gypsy’s basket. Newmar unwittingly buys the music box and gives it to Lynne..

Rules:

  • “Vampires”
  • Farting
  • “Razvan”
  • Americans being attacked by vampires.

Quotes:

“There’s no such thing as aliens you idiot- they’re vampires!”

08
Jun
12

Blubberella

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, God Awful, Uwe Boll and Vampires

Viewing Date: 2/16/2012

Starring: Clint Howard

Directed by: Uwe Boll

Summary:

It’s 1940 and the German army is oozing their ickiness across the European continent, indiscriminately slaughtering thousands. On the Eastern Front, a motley group of Resistance Fighters, led by Nathaniel (Brendan Fletcher) and “Vadge” (Willam Belli), struggle valiantly against the Nazi scourge. The German army, headed by the Commandant (Michael Paré), shadow puppet master, a mad, showtunes-singing Doctor (Clint Howard), and the newly-addicted-to-blood Lieutenant (Steffen Mennekes), threatens to eradicate the Resistance. But coming to the rescue is Blubberella. Half vampire, half woman, and all trouble, Blubberella loves nothing better than killing Nazis and a substantial turkey on rye. She has moved through the centuries destroying nasties and their like while perfecting the ultimate cotton candy recipe. Blubberella and the Commandant face each other in a rail car and after a unseemly exchange of bodily fluids…

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Eating
  • Blackface character
  • Bodily fluids

Quotes:

“Daylight, eh?  Fuck my Donkey.”

“Smells like pubes and cheese in here.”

“Do you call that the German tampon?”

“Will you put a dick in her mouth so she shuts up already?”

01
Jun
12

Torque

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies

Viewing date: 5/31/2012

Starring:

Ice Cube, some guy that sort of looks like David Arquette, Jaime Pressley

Summary:

Biker Cary Ford is framed by an old rival and biker gang leader for the murder of another gang member who happens to be the brother of Trey (Ice Cube), leader of the most feared biker gang in the country. Ford is now on the run trying to clear his name from the murder with Trey and his gang looking for his blood.

Rules:

  • Wheelies
  • Sliding bike under things
  • Airborne vehicles
  • Motorcycle puns
  • Dragging knees around corners
  • Ice Cube sneering

Quotes:

“What is it about driving cars that makes you guys such assholes?”

“No two sprockets are the same”…  “Like a fingerprint…”

“I live my life a quarter mile at a time.”

“Every major road to LA has been blocked.”

“Fuck the Po-lice.” (Ice Cube)

Viewer quotes:

“She snuck up on him.  On a motorcycle!”

“This director is no Spike Jonze.”

What we learned:

  • Motorcycles only make noise when they’re right next you.
  • Police base opinions on one person’s eyewitness testimony and put the suspect on the most wanted list based on no other evidence.
  • Motorcycles can go even faster when doing wheelies.
  • Nothing provokes a fight faster than riding your bike quickly past someone.
  • Bikers and car drivers hate each other.
  • There IS a black biker gang (called the reapers), although the “good” biker gangs are multi-racial.
  • Ice Cube is a shit actor that sneers a lot.
  • Ice Cube portrays Ice Cube very well.
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