Archive Page 18

27
Apr
17

The Perfect Weapon (2016)

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Categories: Rules, Seagal, Uncategorized and Washed up actors

Perfect Weapon

Date Watched: 4/27/2017

Starring: Steven Seagal and the bad guy from “Kindergarten Cop”

Plot: In the not so distant future, society is controlled by the powerful State and a dictator known as the Director. Condor works as a hitman for the State, but a reunion with someone he thought was dead forces him to consider who his enemies really are.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Seagal wearing stupid sunglasses
  • Seagal taking off stupid sunglasses (2 drinks)
  • Someone says “the State”
  • Killing people with a single blow

Quotes:

  • “They watch us through those things!”  (Said as he shoots the TV.)
  • “There he is, the legenadry Condor.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “I can’t tell who’s fighting who.”
  • “It’s a good thing that woman just casually walked into the men’s bathroom.”
  • “Once you make a man’s head explode, there’s no going back.”
  • “I’m not sure what happened, but it seemed pretty stupid.”

Things We Learned:

  • Strip clubs in the future have hula hoops and shiny things.
  • The Bad Movie Thursday gang would rather go to dinner with Seagal over Van Damme, and Gary Busey over Seagal.
  • Cardboard boxes offer great protection against bullets.
  • Handsprings make you invulnerable to gunfire.
  • When you’re on the run, your own home isn’t the best place to hide.

Final Take:  Pretty forgettable, but the production value was decent, and it wasn’t boring.  You could do a lot worse than this.  I would say that hearing the word “Condor” over and over again made us wish that we were watching “Condorman” instead.

14
Apr
17

Hard Ticket To Hawaii

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Categories: Andy Sidaris, Cult Classic and Nudity

HardTicketToHawaii

Date Watched: 4/13/2017

Starring: Boobs Mcgee, “Long” Ron Dangle

Plot: In Molokai, two undercover drug enforcement agents are after a vicious drug kingpin, but on the way, they will also have to deal with a contaminated giant python.

Rules

  • Seeing the disgusting snake
  • Aviator shades
  • Boobs
  • “The Agency”
  • Flute music

Quotes

  • (Staring at a woman’s chest) “I’ll have a pair of coffee.”
  • “If brains were bird shit, you’d have a clean cage.”
  • “I’m going to give you the best seat in the house.”  – “Where is that?” – “Right here on my face.”
  • “You go down on her, you’ll be kissing the back of my head because I’ll already be there.  I think you know what I mean.”
  • “So tell me, what do you feel?” – “One man’s dream is another man’s lunch.” – “You son of a bitch.”
  • “Kinky sex… I’ll go get the midgets and the whips.”
  • “Who’s this?  You can’t be here, turkey.” – “He’s just a thrower.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “He’s controlling the helicopter with his wand.”
  • “Why are these chicks doing martial arts?”
  • “Wow, they look real.” – “Are you talking about the diamonds?” (two topless girls in scene)
  • “You have the whitest teeth I’ve ever come across.”

Things We Learned

  • The actress who plays Donna, Dona Spier, is in a number of other movies, almost always playing a character named Donna.
  • Agents in Hawaii are vacation hosts and know martial arts.
  • All snakes eat meat.
  • You can tap into a phone by putting a suction cup on the side of another phone.
  • Boobs can make a bad movie seem much better.
  • Nobody wore bras in Hawaii in the 80’s.
  • A rocket can be used to blow up a helicopter or just blow the head off a snake.  It can be dialed up or down to meet your needs.

Final Take: This was a keeper.  Definitely recommended.  Unintentionally funny, lots of boobs, explosions, and a contaminated snake that keeps making appearances for almost no reason.  It has all the trimmings.

17
Mar
17

Death Race 2050

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Categories: Racing

Viewing Date: 3/16/2017

Starring: Malcolm McDowell, Manu Bennett

Rules

  • “United Corporations of America” or UCA Logo
  • “Hamilton”

Quotes

  • “I’m going to kill everyone in that montage.”
  • “Looks like rain today and enslavement by machines tomorrow.”
  • “The only thing that can kill an American is another American.”
  • “I’ll drink your tears Frankenstein!  I’ll lick them off your handsome face.”
  • “Smells like barbecue sauce and bed sores.”
  • “What’s this?”  “It’s called paaaaper.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Been there.”  “Just another night in the Olsen household.”

What We Learned

  • There is a 99.93% unemployment rate in 2050.
  • By comparison, Jason Statham movies can look like Oscar winners.
  • You get 10 points for killing civilians, 20 points for kids, 50 for seniors…  And 1000 points for the leader of the UCA!!!

 

 

23
Feb
17

Druids aka The Gaul (2001)

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Categories: Bad Movies, God Awful, Historical Fiction, Rules, Uncategorized and Washed up actors

Druids Picture

Date Watched: 2/23/17

Starring: Christopher “There can be only one” Lambert

Plot:

An entire nation’s destiny lies in the hands of one man.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Silly Hats
  • Stupid Place Names
  • Stupid Hair

Quotes:

  • “Now, kick me in the ass.”
  • “Your incomprehensible talking does not help me.”
  • “Between a boy and a girl, I should be something different.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Why is Christopher Lambert still playing a young man?  Maybe at 50 that time is over.”
  • “I miss the days that you can throw food at someone without repercussion.”
  • “This movie feels like a fever dream.”
  • “Is that character’s name vas deferens?”
  • “I think this is like a 4 hour script and they picked scenes out at random to film.”
  • “We could just turn this movie off right now and my life would be better for it.”

Things We Learned:

  • Christopher Lambert can grow a mustache at any time and in any scene.
  • Graham only falls asleep during one movie = Druids.

Final Take:

This movie is a slog to get through.  I have no idea what this movie was about.  Halfway through the movie I started googling information to find out when Twins 2: Triplets would be released.  This nonsensical gibberish is not worth it.  Stay away.

17
Feb
17

Class of Nuke ‘Em High

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Categories: Uncategorized

classofnukeemhigh

Date Watched: 2/16/2017

Starring: Garbage

Plot: The pupils at a high school next to a nuclear power plant start acting and looking strange after buying contaminated drugs from a plant worker.

Rules

  • “Troma”
  • Seeing Nuclear Waste
  • Anything that’s “Too 80’s”
  • “Cretin”

Quotes

  • “I don’t give a wet fart what you think.”
  • “That’s one way to evacuate the school.”
  • “I suggest you make like a hockey stick and get the fuck out of here.”
  • “It may just be my woman’s intuition, but something’s going on!”
  • “Does this mean we’re not going to the Fellini festival?”
  • “God Bless America, limp dick”
  • “Nobody does this to Taroo!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Who’s this movie about?  Who’s the star?”
  • “What!?  Was that supposed to be his boner?”

Things We Learned

  • Touching nuclear waste turns you into a crazed lunatic murderer.
  • When you watch MTV, you turn into a cretin.

 

03
Feb
17

The Babadook

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Categories: Creepy Kids

the-babadook-poster

Viewing Date: 2/22017

Starring: Essie Davis, Noah Wiseman, Hayley McElhinney

Plot: Amelia, who lost her husband in a car crash on the way to give birth to Samuel, their only child, struggles to cope with her fate as a single mom. Samuel’s constant fear of monsters and violent reaction to overcome the fear doesn’t help her cause either, which makes her friends become distant. When things can not get any worse, they read a strange book in their house about the ‘Babadook’ monster that hides in the dark areas of their house. Even Amelia seems to feel the effect of Babadook and desperately tries in vain to destroy the book. The nightmarish experiences the two encounter form the rest of the story.

Rules

  • Someone says “Babadook”
  • Samuel acts like a brat
  • Use of vibrators
  • Samuel fires a weapon
  • Dream sequence
  • The Babadook Book appears

Quotes

“I’m really tired from the drugs Mum gave me.”

“I’m sorry Mummy I’m just really hungry.”  “If you’re so hungry why don’t you go EAT SHIT!”

“My cousin’s not coming because I broke her nose in two places.”

Viewer Quotes

“Nice trick, but can he make the dog come back to life?”

What We Learned

  • Being haunted by an evil spirit is only marginally worse that having a bratty 6 year old.
  • All an evil spirit is really looking for is a bowl of worms each day.
  • You can make an evil spirit go away by yelling at it.
  • The small dog always gets it in horror movies (we already knew this, honestly)

Final Take

The Babadook had some nice suspense and did well with the “less is more” approach early on, but the third act really fell flat and it was as if the filmmakers weren’t sure how to resolve the conflict with the evil spirit (which was never explained  other than a book appeared that led to a haunting-somehow connected to the accident that killed the father).  Not terrible, but it could have been much better with a resolution that felt even a little satisfying.

 

29
Dec
16

Silent Night Deadly Night (1984)

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Categories: Gratuitous Violence, Murdered teenagers, Nudity, Rules and Uncategorized

Silent Night

Date Watched: 12/29/16

Starring: Santa as you’ve never seen him before

Plot:

After his parents are murdered, a tormented teenager goes on a murderous rampage dressed as Santa, due to his stay at an orphanage where he was abused by the Mother Superior.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Christmas”
  • Every time there’s a radio announcement
  • Terrible music
  • Characters looking off into the distance
  • Billy says “naughty” or “punishment”
  • Awesome 80’s toys

Quotes:

  • “What about you boy?  You been good all year?”
  • “It’s over.  Time to get sh$tfaced!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Is that a hairy ass that we’re looking at?”
  • “This is how all my office Christmas parties end.”
  • “The best place to party is the toy store on Christmas Eve.”
  • “Two ball in the corner pocket.”  (Said as guy lays baby sitter down on a pool table for love makin’.)

What We Learned:

  • Santa Claus doesn’t give coal.  He punishes the naughty.

Final Take:

Not bad.  This was a good holiday Thursday movie that got us in the Xmas spirit.  We’re curious to see how the other movies in this series turn out.

02
Dec
16

A Christmas Horror Story

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Categories: Uncategorized

christmas-horror-story-art

Viewing Date: 12/1/2016

Starring: William Shatner

Plot: Interwoven stories that take place on Christmas Eve, as told by one festive radio host: A family brings home more than a Christmas tree, a student documentary becomes a living nightmare, a Christmas spirit terrorizes, Santa slays evil (via IMDB).

Rules

  • “Bailey Downs”
  • Christmas puns
  • “Krampus”

Quotes

  • “Its like Dracula and Paul Bunyun gayed up and built a dream home”
  • “I said I didn’t want a goddamn cookie, you reindeer fucking snow whore!!!”
  • “Elves coming back to life?  No it doesn’t make sense- unless he is behind it!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “That’s a good Krampus!”

What We Learned

  • Changlings are perverts
  • William Shatner will do anything for a paycheck
  • If your son murders his father, it’s not really a concern, in the long run.
  • This movie would have been so much better if it was only about the Santa vs. Zombie elves story.

Final Take

Not a bad movie.  Production value and acting quality were very good- its just the inconsistent blending of story lines ended up dragging down the entire movie.  Had they just focused on the effective stories, they still could have effectively pulled off the “Ah Ha” moment- but the William Shatner / Radio host involvement did not make sense or add anything valuable to the story line.   Bottom line: Its not a bad holiday horror film, but it should have played to its strengths.

 

18
Nov
16

Death Squad (aka 2047: Sights of Death)

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Categories: Uncategorized

deathsquad

Starring: Whole bunch of has-beens (Danny Glover, Baldwin #3, Mr. Blonde, Daryl Hannah)

Date Watched: 11/17/2016

Plot: Ryan, a Green War rebel agent sent on a mission to collect evidence against the Confederate Central Government, for its heinous crimes. The mission quickly turns chaotic when he meets Tuage, a mutant survivor.

Rules

  • Danny Glover talks techno mumbo-jumbo.
  • “Confederation”
  • Say “Anti-Rad” or use anti-rad
  • “Tuag”
  • Steven Baldwin in blackface

Quotes

  • “Who is this monkey?”
  • “Crazy about Freddy Krueger.”
  • “You sound like a fortune cookie.”
  • “Let’s look at the future.  I don’t even give a rat’s ass about your ideas.”
  • “You can trust me, I believe in God.”
  • “The world is so amazing and so crazy.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “If you guess how many bodies are in the pile, you get to keep them all.”
  • “She has boots made of human scalps.”
  • “This movie is anti-rad.”
  • “What is going on here?  Does anyone know what’s happening?”

Things We Learned

  • You don’t always have to shoot an elephant to bring home dinner.
  • Danny Glover talks way too much and doesn’t say anything.
  • Blackface is never a good idea, not even for a Baldwin.
  • It’s easier to write in your own blood then find another medium.
  • Terrorists hide in charity organizations.
  • Radiation = coma in 6 hours, unless you have anti-rad
  • Getting shot in the head is a minor inconvenience in 2047.

Final Take:

03
Nov
16

Stiches (2012)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Gratuitous Violence, Rules and Uncategorized

Stitches

Date Watched: 11/3/16

Plot: A clown comes back from the dead to haunt those who took his life during a fatal party mishap.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Clown honking
  • Clown hallucinations
  • Say “Stiches”

Quotes:

  • “Give me my dick back”
  • “If you saw a girl’s gash you’d probably put plaster on it.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “He’s going to be like super baked when this dead clown comes to kill everybody.”

Things We Learned:

  • A clown that doesn’t finish a party can never truly rest in peace
  • When a person becomes a clown they have to paint themselves on an egg
  • Every good party ends with a dead clown
  • A clown foam nose can be taken off and sniff out victims
  • Clowns kill cats by counting out each life as it ends
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