Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: 11/30/17

Starring: Robert Patrick, Danny Trejo, Woody Harrelson’s brother, Bruce Campbell (well, one terrible scene at least), Tiffani Amber-Thiessen

Plot:  Five criminals get together to rob a bank in Mexico. On his way to their rendezvous point, one of them gets into an accident, and stumbles upon the Titty Twister Bar. This little detour sets up the terror that awaits the outlaws and the officers on their trail. (via IMDB)

Rules

• Strange camera shots / angles (push-up cam, oscillating fan cam, etc.)
• Surf music
• Bats

Quotes

“This movie is very low quality” “Doesn’t look that bad to me” “What’s the story?” “Its a fuck movie.  I don’t watch a fuck movie for the story, I watch a fuck movie for the fucking.”

“Luther, what are you doing here?”  “Just dropped in for a quick bite.”

“Asthma my ass!”

“Why do you suppose these vampires are robbing a bank?” “Not sure.  I suppose they need money like everyone else.” (Premise of the whole movie / what the audience is thinking)

Viewer Quotes

“Did you know Alexa speaks Klingon?”

“That’s a hard way to go.” “My Grandmother went the same way.”

What We Learned

• The second you become a vampire, you know everything about being a vampire and have bought into team vampire 100%.  You hold no grudge agains
• Eclipses happen unpredictably and last for hours.
• Vampires sometimes make mountain lion sounds.
• All vampires completely different, bizarre ways.
• Vampires can be shot hundreds of times, but stab them once, with anything, and they die.
• Top 5 stupidest camera shots in this movie:  #5. Telephone Cord Cam  #4. Inside the mouth bite cam #3. Oscillating Fan Cam.  #2. Push Up Cam  #1. Rotating Lock Cam

Final Take

We were shocked to see that Quentin Tarantino had anything to do with this (Executive Producer).  It was clearly a money grab trying to invoke Tarantino dialogue and “unique” camera work to appear more than it is.  95% of the time it was ineffective, and it missed the critical component of Tarantino movies- actually being clever and having a point.  The movie at least acknowledges that vampires have no business robbing a bank, and didn’t try to explain why the first character was turned into a vampire, or why / how he decided to turn his partners into vampires…  But this is bad movie Thursday, and this movie falls slightly above average for entertainment value.  Dumb action and dialogue and not too long- a few funny parts.  3 of 5.

Viewing Date: 10/19/17

Starring: Corey Haim, Gary Busey, Terry O’Quinn, Megan Follows

Plot: A werewolf terrorizes a small city where lives the paralytic Marty Coslaw, his uncle, and his sister, the story’s narrator (via IMDB).

Rules

• Product Placement
• Gary Busey drinking or doing other Gary Busey-esque things (acting crazy, etc)
• Corey Haim in the Silver Bullet

Quotes

• “Suicides go to hell.  Especially when they’re pregnant.”
• “There are no words to comfort- there is only PRIVATE JUSTICE!”
• “I built that because I love you and it would kill me if you got hurt…  Now let’s get some barbecue.”
• “Who was that?”  “Obscene phone call.”
• “Some times I think that you’re common sense got crippled along with your legs.”
• “I’m a little old to play the Hardy boys meet Reverend Werewolf!”

Viewer Quotes

• “That’s a big mustache.”  “He’s definitely given some rides on that.”
• “If only he had a cell phone.”  “If only he had legs.”  “Well, he has legs….”

What We Learned

• If you’re committing suicide, and then are immediately murdered, it’s sort of a win.
• Before they got into rap, they did wrestling (NWA wresting scene on TV)
• Locke from Lost once had hair
• Narration is usually completely unnecessary
• Serial murders in a small town really don’t warrant any additional attention from police, feds, etc.
• Paraplegics are really good at climbing trees and driving motorcycle-like wheelchairs (with no training)

Date Watched: 9/21/2017

Starring: Cubano Joe and/or Ricky Martin, nobody else.

Rules

• “The Veil”
• People wearing the mask (or veil)
• “The princess”
• Stupid strut walking

Quotes

• “My dream of rebuilding our kingdom is finally coming true, and I won’t stop killing until I do.”

Viewer Quotes

• “All this plot exposition is bullshit.” – “It’s not like we’re missing out on anything.”
• “That’s just nerds taking karate classes.” – “They’re larping.”
• “Is that really the coolest sword they could come up with?” – “It sure doesn’t look very cool.”
• “If they’re not a nomadic people, and have been there for years and years, why would they have those silly tents?”
• “What in the fuck just happened?”

Things We Learned

• Don’t put dead bodies in your water supply.
• What the word discursive means.  I will never forget the meaning of that word because of this movie.

Final Take: As a wise man on IMDB once said, “this movie is very discursive.”  Completely impossible to follow.  The action was not good, the acting was pretty bad, the storytelling was unintelligible, there was just nothing redeemable in this pile of crazy.  The best that could be said of this movie is that nobody fell asleep.

Viewing Date: 9/7/17

Starring: Wes Bentley, Michael Madsen, Eric Roberts, Kaitlin Doubleday

Plot: Successful writer and scholar Jonathan Merrick falls under the spell of the irresistible, bewitchingly beautiful Ligeia. She’s fighting a fatal illness and she will stop at nothing to defeat death, her one true enemy. She steals other people’s souls and on her quest to immortality she tricks Jonathan into supporting her work, breaking him apart from his fiancé Rowena and pulling him into her dark, mysterious world. They settle down in an old manor by the Black Sea where Ligeia’s everlasting presence slowly drives Jonathan to madness… (via IMDB)

Rules

• Creepy Swing
• Horseback Riding
• Bleeding Eyes
• Grim Reaper
• “Macabre”
• Snake Symbol

Quotes

• “You’re vibrating with sexual energy.”

Viewer Quotes

• “He (Wes B) should stick to back-up roles- secondary villains.” “Like Supernatural…” “Or One Tree Hill…” “Or TeenWolf.”
• “This is me, when I’m 60.  Drinking absinthe in Crimea.”  “Having a cigarette.”
• “I’ve seen a lot of 90 minutes movies before, but this is the longest.”
• “She’s a conduit.”  “A condiment.”
• “At least there wasn’t a monkey butler.”

What We Learned

• Women are attracted to men with money (no, really.)
• If you’re possessed, you have a different hairstyle
• Being in an Academy Award winning film early in your career doesn’t necessarily mean additional success.

Date Watched: 7/27/17

Starring: Peter Weller, Daniel Stern, Ernie Hudson aka little Chinese karate guy, Hector “Lyle” Elizondo

Plot: Alien, but in the ocean

Rules

• Scientific mumbo jumbo
• Pepsi product placement
• Daniel Stern being a scumbag
• Mutations

Quotes

• “When I get up top, I’ll be drinking beers and eating pussy.”
• “Generic alteration?” – “Genetic!”
• “Homo aquaticus”
• “That’s just great.  You’re telling me we got a god-damned dracula in here?!”
• “I realize you’ve gone through hell.” – “Gone – Bitch, we’re still here!”
• “Hey, I ain’t never going to be able to sleep again in life.  Ever.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Is she running without a bra?”
• “You want a Russian to take medicine?  Put it in the vodka.”
• “The sharks are unnecessary at this point.”

Things We Learned

• Science stuff courses in tubes in the kitchen in mining shacks.
• The best way to mutate a Russian is to spike the vodka.
•  Leviathans drink blood and absorb the intelligence of its victims.
• Punching your boss makes you feel better.

Final Take: This was a movie a few of us remembered to be pretty dang scary to our 8 year old selves, but it doesn’t quite live up to the memory.  The effects aren’t nearly as special anymore and you’re left just wishing for more t & a.  Ernie Hudson is the best thing about this movie.  It might be worth watching just for a few of his late-movie quotes.  Other than that, it was less than noteworthy.