Posts Tagged ‘movies

05
Dec
25

Shark Side of the Moon

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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Viewing Date: 12/4/2025

Starring: Maxi Witrak, Ego Mikitas

Plot: Decades ago, the USSR developed unkillable sharks and launched them to the moon. Today, a team of American astronauts will endure the fight of their lives.

Rules

  • Stupid space science jargon (Advanced rule, this is literally every other line of the movie)
  • “Yutu-2” or “Quequio Sattellite”
  • References to the Dark Side of the Moon album

Quotes

  • “Nothing under the moon should cause ripples like that.”
  • “Why are there sharks on the moon?”
  • “Americans…welcome to the moon!”
  • “I knew there was something ‘fishy’ about her.”
  • “Follow me, and don’t get any blood on you.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “They are half human.” – “The bottom half.”
  • “The first thing you should do when you’re about to crash into the moon is strap your seatbelt.”
  • “It’s interesting that rebooting the ship didn’t affect their artificial gravity.”
  • “Who’s going to open a window? I don’t think they make windows that roll down in a space ship.”
  • “So he’s got a half-shark daughter?” – “Technically she’s a quarter shark.”
  • “She hears pretty well in the vacuum of space.”
  • “What do space sharks eat? There’s nothing to hunt on the moon.”
  • “Is that actually his daughter? Did he make love to a shark lady?”
  • “With all their hybrid shark technology, they can’t make a rocket?” – “They can’t even make proper clothes.”
  • “That’s the song I want playing when I die. Yakkity Saks.”
  • “That’s what I felt like after Thanksgiving.”

What We Learned

  • In the future, astronauts don’t have headphones. Two of them split a pair of air pods.
  • When you’re in trouble, restart the ship.
  • Hybrid space sharks can track electromagnetic waves.
  • Chain mail can replace a space suit on the moon.
  • Space sharks have nipples
  • Hybrid sharks reproduce in jars with umbilical chords.

Final Take

The whole movie was just utter nonsense, but I didn’t hate it. That’s the best way to summarize this movie experience. You’d think a movie about space sharks would be a pretty simple plot to follow, but you’d be wrong. There’s no explanation for most of what you see and you’ll be left with a lot more questions than answers. On the whole, though, I’d say it was worth the watch. I look forward to reading this post again in the future and reliving these memories.

27
Jun
25

The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck (1988)

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Categories: Amazon women, Cannibalism, Knock-Offs and Nudity
Tags: , ,

Viewing Date: Jun 26, 2025

Starring: David Keith, Kathy Shower, Brant Van Hoffman

Plot: A drunken, down-on-his-luck adventurer is hired by a wealthy man and his beautiful wife to take them on a hunting expedition in the jungle. After a while, though, the guide begins to suspect that there’s more to the expedition than just hunting. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Tennessee Buck is drunk
  • Elephant hijinks (sadly, this did not come into play)
  • “cannibal”

Quotes

  • (viewer): “Tennessee Buck has had zero adventure so far” (mid-way through the movie)
  • “The way to a man’s heart is through his liver.”
  • “4-5 hours a day, 7 days a week.” “You practice shooting that much?” “No. That’s how much I drink.”

What We Learned

  • Keith David is not David Keith
  • Cannibals call human meat “long pig”
  • Cannibals sleep outdoors in piles (like the Croods?)
  • Nothing leads to a romantic jungle encounter like having your husband decapitated and then getting raped.

Final take

I can see how this film came together: Mid-80’s, a group of low budget filmmakers sitting around a table thinking about how to capitalize on the success of Indiana Jones.

“Our hero should be a drunk loser that still has a way with the ladies. What should we call him? Alabama Smith? Arkansas Pete? I got it- Tennessee Buck!”

“Great! But he can’t be too likeable. Let’s have him shoot an abused elephant in one of the opening scenes.”

“I like it. Should it be a slapstick comedy? Action adventure? Suspense and horror? Porn?”

“Let’s do it all! But we need jungle natives that behave like cave people in black face- and wacky cannibals! And let’s conclude it with a decapitation and graphic rape scene!”

“Pure gold!!!”

So we have no idea what this movie is supposed to be- it is a mash up of several genres that doesn’t do any of them well. There are a few funny lines, but the movie never figures out what exactly it is trying to be. And why exactly are these are the ‘further’ adventures of Tennessee Buck? The ‘adventure-level’ of this movie was questionable at best. Did they think this steaming pile of crap would lead to a prequel or something else because viewers were left wanting to know more about this fascinating character? In summary, it seemed like a great BMT fit, with all the necessary ingredients, but in the end is only borderline enjoyable.

01
May
25

Miami Connection (1988)

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Categories: Assassins, Bad Movies, Cult Classic, Elite and Ninjas
Tags: , , ,

Viewing Date: May 1, 2025

Starring: Y.K Kim, Vincent Hirsch, Joseph Diamand, Maurice Smith

Plot: The year is 1987. Motorcycle ninjas tighten their grip on Florida’s narcotics trade, viciously annihilating anyone who dares move in on their turf. Multi-national martial arts rock band Dragon Sound have had enough, and embark on a roundhouse wreck-wave of crime-crushing justice. When not chasing beach bunnies or performing their hit song “Against the Ninja,” Mark (taekwondo master/inspirational speaker Y.K. Kim) and the boys are kicking and chopping at the drug world’s smelliest underbelly. It’ll take every ounce of their blood and courage, but Dragon Sound can’t stop until they’ve completely destroyed the dealers, the drunk bikers, the kill-crazy ninjas, the middle-aged thugs, the “stupid cocaine”…and the entire MIAMI CONNECTION!! (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Cocaine (use, references, nicknames: Coke, Bolivian marching powder, etc)
  • Dismemberments
  • “Dragon Sound”
  • “Son of a Bitch”
  • Any mentions of Taekwondo
  • Musical performance

Quotes

  • “They don’t make buns like those down at the bakery.”
  • (Song lyrics): “Bikers by day, Ninjas by night- Steal your cocaine, steal your life!”
  • (Song lyrics): “Friends through eternity, loyalty, honesty. We’ll stay together through thick or thin. Friends forever we’ll be together. We’re on top ’cause we play to win!!!”
  • “I didn’t know you had a father, I thought we were all orphans”
  • (Viewer quote): “You don’t take off the hood- it’s like a clan rally.”

What We Learned

  • University of Central Florida is a hotbed for ninjas
  • Music venues in Orlando have a limit of only one martial-arts-themed-band.
  • The correct ratio of girlfriends to band members is 1:4
  • Ninjas on motorcycles can’t be stopped.
  • After hours at the gym consists of full contact Taekwondo in the dark, while wearing jeans
  • White ninja robe = master
  • If a friend has an unexpected and important life event, you are required to pool all of your money to buy him a suit.
  • Don’t dine and dash if the restaurant owner is a Taekwondo master.
  • U-Haul blankets are all you need for your bed if you’re a martial artist/rock star/college kid on a budget.

Final Take

I’m pretty sure we watched this at some point over the last 20 year, but we couldn’t find any record of it on the blog or pre-blog journal (lip log), so here we go again!

This is some quintessential Bad Movie Thursday stuff- a cult classic with a well earned reputation for absolute ridiculousness top to bottom. Where to start? We’re not even sure what the Miami Connection refers to. The movie takes place in Orlando, and the opening sequence of cocaine-stealing ninjas was the only part to take place in Miami. Why are the ninjas stealing cocaine? Well, to fund their ambiguous crime network of course! And the entire downfall of this criminal empire was caused by one member’s dislike for his college student sister’s boyfriend (who is actually a pretty wholesome guy). And let’s talk about the four “friends” the film centers around. Did they all grow up as orphans together? Maybe??? But they are roommates, bandmates, a taekwondo team, and most importantly, friends forever.

If I were to flag a single highlight of the movie, it is the phenomenal sound track and music performances in the movie. Dragon Sound deserves to be a real thing.

This is a great bad movie- definitely in the discussion to crack the top ten bad movies list.

20
Mar
25

Maniac Cop (1988)

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Categories: Cult Classic
Tags: ,

Maniac Cop (Special Edition)

Viewing Date: Mar 20, 2025

Starring: Tom Atkins, Bruce Campbell, Laurene Landon, Richard Roundtree

Plot: Innocent people are being brutally murdered on the streets of New York City by a uniformed police officer. As the death toll rises and City Hall attempts a cover-up, Frank McCrae heads the investigation. A young cop, Jack Forrest, finds himself under arrest as the chief suspect, having been the victim of a set-up by the real killer and a mysterious woman phone-caller. Forrest, his girlfriend Theresa, and McCrae set out to solve the puzzle before the Maniac Cop can strike again. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Trash on the street
  • “Maniac”, “Psycho”, “Crazy”
  • “Cordell”
  • Cop stereotypes, tropes or dialogue

Quotes

  • “Cops like killing. That’s why they’re cops.”
  • You should have seen him on the operating table… Cut to pieces.”

What We Learned

  • NYPD patrol officers all wore white gloves for some reason
  • Maniac cop has / had a girlfriend
  • Maniac cop likes a good St. Patty’s day parade

Final Take

Our decision around watching Maniac Cop wasn’t that we thought it would be a great BMT film, but would be a gateway for the sequels, which we expect to be more absurd and entertaining. We were basically right on that- I wouldn’t say Maniac Cop was good, but it took itself a little too seriously (especially for a Troma movie). So much more potential there, but ended up as a slow paced, procedural meets Halloween meets Terminator. Was Cordell, the Maniac Cop alive, dead, or just bullet proof and ice cold? We’re not sure, but after escaping / being released from Sing Sing), he was super strong and liked to kill innocent people as revenge for… being framed by corrupt politicians.

The short entry was not by design- there just really wasn’t much material to work with. On the positive side, there were some good car chases and stunts, especially considering the low budget, and of course, Bruce Campbell.

Here’s to the sequels being more entertaining.

22
Nov
24

Birdemic 3: Sea Eagle

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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,
http://www.allwallpapersfree.org

Viewing Date: 11/21/24

Starring: Ryan Lord, Julia Culbert, Marc DeNola

Plot

A flock of sea eagles attack the coastal town of Santa Cruz, California. Why did the birds attack? Who will survive? (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Bird Attack
  • “Sea Eagle” (movie title)
  • Scenes that go on too long.
  • Environmental Preachiness
  • The guy and girl walking together

Quotes

  • “I’m looking for a three-bedroom house surrounded by trees. Preferably in a forest.”
  • “Well, I think we need to fix Global Warming.”
  • “Let’s take their guns and defend ourselves from those crazy birds.”
  • “Yes, we have to accept our fate. It is death.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This is so much padding for an 83 minute movie.”
  • “Are you sure this movie is about bird attacks and not just climate change?”
  • “Why is this guy talking about Rejuvenate and the 9 mechanisms of aging again?”
  • “My God, where are the birds?”
  • “Stay in your lane, Birdemic.”
  • “Hey mister – can you please sing to us as we dance in this empty room?”
  • “Just when you think a scene can’t go any longer, it does. And just when it can’t get any more awkward, it gets so awkward you can barely stand it.”
  • “We’re three quarters of the way into this movie, no crazy birds yet.”
  • “This is another awesome diatribe on climate change.”

What We Learned

  • The normal weather patterns are changing rapidly. (Learned from a nature documentary that is played in the movie for no reason)
  • Don’t leave your car running and go dancing off into the woods.
  • Eagles are really good at cutting people’s throats as they fly by. They never miss.

Final Take

This movie did not have any crazy bird sightings until literally 60 minutes into an 83 minute movie. That is all you need to know. The entire first hour was filled with nothing but inane diatribes on climate change. It was just one scene after another of weird, contrived scenes where the leads encounter new people that just immediately start ranting about climate change. On top of that, there would be probably the most uncomfortable scenes ever put on camera, and they would stretch on so long it was like a psychological study in human capacity to withstand awkwardness. If that sounds like your bag, you can think about watching it. I wouldn’t, though. Not ever again.

11
Jul
24

Dark Angel aka I Come in Peace (1990)

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Categories: Aliens, Bad Movies, Cult Classic, God Awful, Gory, Gratuitous Violence, Rules and Well known actors slumming it
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Date Watched: 7/11/24

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Brian Benben

Plot:

Jack Caine (Dolph Lundgren) is a Houston vice cop who’s forgotten the rule book. His self-appointed mission is to stop the illegal drugs trade and its number one supplier Victor Manning. Whilst involved in an undercover operation to entrap Manning, his partner gets killed, and a sinister newcomer enters the scene. Along with F.B.I. agent Lawrence Smith, the two investigate a spate of mysterious deaths; normal non-junkies dying of massive heroin overdoses and bearing the same horrific puncture marks on the forehead. This, coupled with Caine’s own evidence, indicates an alien force is present on the streets of Houston, killing and gathering stocks of a rare drug found only in the brain. Caine is used to fighting the toughest of criminals, but up to now they’ve all been human. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Says “I come in peace”
  • Christmas stuff
  • Dolph Lundgren counting
  • Anytime one cop is at odds with the other because one is by the book and the other is a loose cannon
  • Dolph Lundgren promises things or people talk about his promises

Quotes:                                                                                                    

  • Q: “What university did you attend?”… A: “The university of suck my d$ck.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Ron Fury, John Turtle, Jan Hammer… There’s a lot of fantastic names in this.”

Things We Learned:

  • A duck and roll is the best way to enter any building.
  • Dolph Lundgren never breaks a promise.
  • The best way to stop a CD that kills people is a speaker.

Final Take:

There’s a lot to like here from Dolph Lundgren to Brian Benben (from the TV Show “Dream On”). The movie’s setup with a drug dealing alien is ridiculously silly, as is his spinning CD that kills people. The movie is sometimes called “Dark Angel”, but in the U.S. it was named “I Come In Peace”. It should really be known as the latter, because it sets up one of the best final kill lines I’ve ever heard. (e.g., “Let off some steam” from Commando.)

15
Dec
23

The Mean One

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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Viewing Date: 12/14/2023

Starring: David Howard Thornton, Krystle Martin, Chase Mullins

Plot

Instead of the Grinch stealing all the Christmas toys and decorations from Whoville, he killed little Cindy You Know Who’s mother from Newville, and now she’s out for revenge. 

Rules

  • Blatant Grinch rip-offs
  • False jump-scares
  • Stupid voice-over rhymes
  • Dr. Seuss references

Quotes

  • “What did I see?” - ”The Gr…” - ”Fitch! Order for Mike Fitch!”
  • “Sir, I’m not trying to do your job, but I think one of us should.”
  • “We know that his heart grew three sizes that day. You know it’s poetic when it happens that way.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “The thing I like best after a long hike is a nice sip of hot matza ball soup.”
  • “It’s Jim Carrey killing all these people.”
  • “Why not use the flashlight to pull it closer?”
  • “Why is the movie still going?”

What We Learned

  • Nothing about the Grinch at all, like what he was or why he was doing any of it. 
  • Jim Carrey really takes method acting to the extreme.

Final Take

This movie was pretty thoroughly enjoyable, despite being based on such a thin premise. It was jarring to go from these extreme violent scenes to basically Jim Carrey’s Grinch making whacky faces, but it did make me laugh. It didn’t take itself too seriously. In this case, that was probably the right choice.

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