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12
Jul
13

America 3000

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Amazon women, Bad Movies and Postapocalyptic

ImageDate Watched: 7/11/2013

Starring: Laurene Landon and Beastman

Plot: This movie supposedly takes place 900 years in the future after a nuclear war between the Mericans and Commies has decimated mankind.  In a crazy twist on the current state of affairs, war-like women now rule the world and keep men as slaves.  Will the infighting and jealousy of the ruling women be their undoing?  Will the pure hearts of the men grant them freedom from their oppressors?  Will someone please pick a better soundtrack for this movie?

Rules:

  • Whiplash noise
  • Woman punches man
  • Song starts that has nothing to do with the movie.
  • New word is translated for us.
  • Slow Motion
  • “Neggy” or “Plugot” <advanced rule>

Quotes:

  • “…and the world was woggos.” – “(In the old speak, that means crazy!”
  • “I went for the weps, he went for the eats.”
  • “Neggy more machos, neggy more toys.”  – “Neggy more seeders?”  – “Neggy more seeders!”
  • “Everything was going hot plastic.”
  • “Taste this.  It tastes cold woggos but it makes you feel hot plastic.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This is a coke-fueled disaster.”
  • “That hat was pretty nice-looking for being 900 years old.”
  • “We just have to get through this elaborate plot setup and then this movie’s going to pick up steam.”
  • “This movie is neggy plastic.”
  • “Look!  The rolling stones farewell tour!”
  • “That was the best ending I could have imagined!”

What We Learned:

  • A new language where plastic takes on a whole new meaning.
  • The Rolling Stones went on a farewell tour in 1989.
  • Reagan was into Centipede and Pinball and had a huge stack of playboys.  And lasers.
  • When you’re in a war and have the only laser gun, don’t bother using it.
  • If the world was run by women, men would be machos, seeders, and toys, and women would be very war-like.

Final Take

This movie was pretty entertaining.  There were a few places where it really slows down and you start losing interest, but on the whole it wasn’t bad.  At first I couldn’t understand half of what they were talking about.  They use some weird made up slang that is complete nonsense when you initially hear it.  But I will admit, it does grow on you.  By the end I had neggy problems at all and everything was hot plastic.  Also, the narrator was awful.  I wish that was an audio track I could just turn off, but there was neggy an option for that.  In spite of that, I have to give this movie a solid recommendation.

06
Jul
13

Condorman (1981)

By badmoviethursday 1 Comment
Categories: Rules

condormanDate Viewed:  6/27/13

Plot:  Cartoonist Woody becomes the superhero he draws. Using his gadgets he helps a Soviet spy defect to the West.  (From IMDB)

Starring:  The Dad from “Teen Wolf”

Rules:

  • Bad Animation
  • Taking off flying/crashing
  • Slapstick comedy
  • 80’s Jheri Curl hair
  • Say “Condorman”
  • Flipping up motorcycle helmet mask

Quotes:

“Donald Duck is not a real duck, he’s a drawing.”

“Oh C’mon Woody… a little cloak, a little dagger.”

“That’s a hair trigger.  Fastest cane in the West.”

“Remember, any more trouble from you, and I will personally kill you.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Beer spilled once shame on you, beer spilled twice shame on me.”

“What an elaborately terrible plot.”

“I was hoping they’d have a laser gun in this movie.”

What we learned from this movie:

The Russians can demand that we use civilians for missions, and we will comply using a guy who draws comic books.  After the mission, the civilian can make the CIA build him silly contraptions based on designs from his comic books.

People who act in the theater make terrible movie actors.  Especially those with awful horse teeth who overact.

Final Take:

I don’t care what anyone else says, I still like this movie.  The scene where Condorman busts his race car out of the gypsy truck and battles the evil black Porsches is totally timeless.  He’s like James Bond, Jason Bourne, and Spiderman rolled into one.  Ok, ok.  The main actor is terrible, I’ll give you that.  I’m not sure what Guttenberg or Swayze was doing that day, but some other 80’s actor should have stepped in here.

06
Jul
13

Hunk (1987)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies and Rules

hunk

Viewing Date: 6/6/13

Plot:  A computer nerd makes a deal with the Devil and gets a new, “beefcake” body.  (From IMDB)

Starring:  No One

Rules:

  • Flexing
  • 80s clichés
  • Show “Hunk” license plate
  • Women swooning over his hunkiness (bonus points for making it through the beginning credits)
  • People say “Hunk”

Quotes:

“Who’s got a camel with a floppy hump?”

“I went a bit too far…and now there’s HELL to pay.”

“On a hot day the boobs were packed higher than eggs in an Easter basket.”

“The men were high on themselves and whatever else was going around.”

“The only thing you’ll lay tonight in that is linoleum.”

“Aroused?… your curiosity I mean.”

“It’s hell to find a decent place to live in hell.”

“I’m going to wrap your nuts around your neck Twinkie dick.”

“You’re a walking Chuck Norris movie, and I’m not waiting until you’re out on video cassette.”

Viewer Quotes:

What is he wearing?  It looks like a burlap sack.  No, it looks like Seinfeld’s buccaneer costume.

Was this movie ever cool?

What We Learned:

The Devil needs tax write offs.

The Devil drinks Coke Classic.

The Devil goes by Dr. D and looks like Attila the Hun.

It takes a movie as boring as this for both Graham and Mike to fall asleep.

Final Take:

Great setup.  Poor, poor delivery.  This movie starts off as a typically awesome 80’s switcheroo comedy a la Vice Versa mixed with a Porky’s style sex romp.  Unfortunately, the PG rating means nothing much happens, other than a brief shot of the nerd’s penis growing bigger as he turns into the hunk.  The movie descends into a horrible romantic non-comedy bore, with absolutely nothing at stake.  The snail’s pace crawl to the end resulted in both Graham and Mike falling asleep.  I can’t name another movie where multiple people were knocked out by the appalling lack of anything going on.  Watch the first 45 minutes and then find something else more entertaining to do, like playing Pit Fall or River Raid.

 

21
Jun
13

Steel and Lace

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Cyborgs

2236404064_steel_and_lace_1991

Viewing Date: 6/20/2013

Plot:  A woman who is the victim of a rape and subsequent cover-up commits suicide and is rebuilt by her brother to be a vengeful cyborg.  She / it systematically kills everyone that was involved in the crime in brutal fashion.

Starring: No one

Rules:

  • Helicopter Decapitation (one of the ‘Impact Elements’)
  • Getting Drilling (one of the ‘Impact Elements’)
  • Mullets
  • Bolo ties
  • Say “Danny”
  • Blatantly 80’s stuff (use your best judgement)
  • Say “Clippy”

Quotes:

“Down boy”

“You broke your nose once.”   “Does that disqualify me or something?”

“I don’t have to take this shit from a ghost.”

“Death is the last safe place.”

Viewer Quotes:

“They’re all corrupt.”  “Because it’s the 80’s.”

“I’ve never seen Chris Rock dressed as a woman like that before.”

“She’s a robot that doesn’t want to kill.”  “She wants to love.”

“A giant wrench.  How convenient.”

What We Learned:

  • When the law fails you, turn your sister into a killing machine- literally.
  • Lawyers are really good at cybernetics when driven to the edge- and beyond….
  • Memories can be stored in glowing tennis ball brain devices.
  • Cyborgs can perfectly adapt to human interactions except when they aren’t in disguise.
  • When movies don’t have pictures on IMDB, it is a pretty good indicator of the crappiness of the movie.

Final Take:

Not too bad for an 80’s (or 1990, technically) cyborg revenge movie.  It was about an hour too long, however and the time in between the action was grueling, but the good scenes were laugh-inducingly entertaining.  Middle of the road BMT flick, just don’t watch it when you’re tired, or you’ll never make it to the good parts.

14
Jun
13

Crippled Masters

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized

Image

Date: 6/13/2013

Starring: Pretty much nobody.  Yes, a couple of people without limbs.

Plot: Two men skilled in the arts of Kung-Fu are betrayed by their master and crippled for life, one left with no arms and the other with no legs. Despite their obvious disadvantages, they learn to combine their martial arts skills and seek revenge against the evil master.

Rules

  • Weird special effects sounds (particularly that up and down xylophone sound)
  • Anytime they make fun of someone for being handicapped.
  • Rubbing the mustache
  • Evil Laughs
  • Ghost faced killa beat somebody up
  • Bad guy calling someone a fool or idiot
  • Bitch slapped by a little hand.

Quotes

  • “If you kill me today, who’s going to provide you with coffins?”
  • “You are a sadistic monster.  One day you’ll get what’s coming to you!”
  • “Now I’ve destroyed your legs.  Let’s see what you can do without them.  Don’t look at me like that.  There’s nothing you can do now.”
  • “You fool!  Let me show you how to collect rent.”
  • “You again?  Well, you don’t seem to like living very much.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Apparently he doesn’t need medical attention after getting his arms cut off.”
  • “He saved his life by putting him in a coffin!”
  • “Who orders someone to beat up a cripple?”
  • “He fell in the river!  Should we call him Bob?”
  • “I think he’s trying to catch those chickens?” – “Those are ducks!”
  • “How do you know you’ve hit rock bottom?  You’re eating from a pig trough.”
  • “Is he playing hackey sack with a dead bird?”
  • “Mustaches everywhere!”
  • “They’re called black and white!”
  • “A study in how to make a kung fu movie with only 3 kung fu sounds.”
  • “Was this movie the inspiration for hear no evil see no evil.”
  • “This guy is either ghollum or the dude with the bitter beer face from those old keystone light commercials.”
  • “Should we take offense that this guy’s in whiteface?”
  • “They literally have an arsenal of 5 sounds.”
  • “To be killed by that weird little leg might be one of the worst ways to go.”
  • “How come we didn’t see that guy had a hunchback before?”
  • “This is where’s he’s using his pole skills.”
  • “Which one is considered crouching tiger?”
  • “His hunch is a metal plate!”
  • “This guy’s wearing earrings now.” – “Those are anal beads.”

What We Learned

  • The man with no arms always trumps the man with no legs.
  • Viewers are unable to decide whether it’s worse to live without arms or without legs.
  • You can kill a man by pushing your toes into his adam’s apple.
  • You can use your hunch back to attack or defend very effectively.
  • A legless man on top of an armless man is an unstoppable force and holds the secret to unbeatable kung fu, according to some jade horse figurines.
  • In fact that is not a great secret.

Final Take

This movie was a little disturbing to watch at first, but once you got past the initial horror of laughing at the depravity on screen, it was pretty enjoyable.  Look at all those quotes!  The ridiculous sound effects and terrible voice acting were pretty egregious and greatly entertaining.  It really felt like I was watching speed racer, with an extra “ha ha” thrown in any time they felt they needed an extra word for the mouth movements on screen.  I wouldn’t say it’s top 10, 20, but it might be somewhere up there.  And it was definitely memorable.  I’d probably give it a 3/5.

 

31
May
13

The Burrowers

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Cowboys and Gory

220px-Burrowersposter08

Date Watched: 5/30/13

Plot: A pioneer family vanishes, a search party goes a’lookin’ fer ’em.  Pretty soon, they need a search party to find the search party.  A masterpiece of the Cowboy/Carniverous Worm People genre (from xfinity).

Starring: Clancy Brown, William Mapother

Rules:

  • Burrowing (anything going in or out of holes)
  • Gratuitous mustache shots.
  • People drinking.
  • “Burrowers”
  • Predator noises

Quotes:

  • “Why do you spend so much time running that boy’s belly? He already thinks you’re Jesus Crockett.”
  • “Skinny woman.  Why don’t you just poke the boy.”
  • “I’d rather walk in the right direction than ride with my head up my ass.”
  • “Don’t you ever touch my Indian!!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Anything going in or out of holes” “Ha.  Is that a rule or a quote”  (both apparently)
  • “Meek’s Crossing is the most boring movie ever filmed.”

What We Learned:

  • Indians were called “blanket heads”
  • Burrowers were there before the white man and used to feed on the buffalo.  After the evil white man killed the buffalo, they had to find another food source.
  • It’s possible to sleep while riding a horse.
  • You need a little fish to kill burrowers.  But it’s really the sunlight that kills them.
  • Viewers of Fear.net must need Proactiv.
  • “Call within 10 minute” commercial offers apply to on-demand movies.

Final Take:

This movie had recognizable actors, a reasonable budget and a decent story, but I’d still call it a failure for bad movie thursday.  It wasn’t campy enough, and it was really tough to come up with rules or entertaining viewer quotes.  So I don’t know if that’s a put-down or an endorsement.  It had an interesting premise about the subterrenean creatures that live on the prairie and come out every three generations to feed (part Tremors, part creature from ‘Jeepers Creepers’) and the filmmakers really wanted to play up aspect of the victims being paralyzed and buried alive, but it really didn’t make sense– the creatures needed to keep them alive, because they could only consume rotten, liquified food?  What?!  Bottom line, it’s not a bad movie, but not a great movie to sit around and joke with friends about.  We probably would have been better off watching ‘Steel and Lace’.

18
May
13

Rottweiler

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Nudity and Postapocalyptic
Tags:

220px-Brian-Yuzna-Rottweiler

Date Watched:  5/16/2013

Starring:  A guy that looks vaguely like Sawyer from Lost, Zeus the Rottweiler

Plot: In 2018, a prisoner escapes into the Spanish countryside, trying to get back to Puerto Angel to find his girlfriend.  Unfortunately for him, he is being pursued by a cyborg rottweiler that kills everything and everyone the prisoner comes in contact with.

Rules

  • Slow motion
  • The Dog’s mouth makes knife noises when it opens and closes.
  • Scorpions
  • Hallucinations
  • The rottweiler kills someone or something
  • *Remember to use standing house rule of “creature vision”*

Movie Quotes

“The old witch doctor thinks the fog is evil.  He has eaten too many mushrooms.”

“You’ll never find her–  that bitch.”

Viewer Quotes:

“That guy has a face problem.”

“There’s a lot of wang shots here.”  “Wang and side balls.”

“The thicker the skin, the sweeter the flesh.”  (from Adam’s creepy dream- not really related to the movie)

“All three together.  Like a happy family.”

What We Learned

  • In Spain women will rape escaped prisoners
  • In the future there is a game called ‘Infiltration’ where you try to immigrate illegally.  Super Fun.
  • Cyborg rottweilers are particularly adept at disposing of guns.
  • When Escaping from prison, its a good idea to climb the highest mountain you can find, then get drunk and high with drug dealers.

Final Take

We enjoyed this movie for something we randomly stumbled across in the free movies on Comcast on demand.  Special effects and gore were decently done and the rottweiler flying through the air to attack people was hilarious.  I liked that the writers and director tried to incorporate a twist-ish ending that sort of worked, but I really wanted to know where the hell the cyborg dog came from.  I mean, I get it that the main character originally smashed the teeth out of and probably killed the warden’s dog with a lead pipe after it killed his girlfriend, but who exactly had the technology or means to convert it into the terminator of dogs?  I also found it interesting that the dog was really the only ‘futuristic’ thing in this movie- but it doesn’t pay to over think the movies we watch on Thursdays.

03
May
13

Death Race 3: Inferno

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Historical Fiction, Postapocalyptic and Spin-off or sequel

DeathRace3

Date Watched: 5/2/2013

Starring: Ving Rhames, Danny Trejo

Plot: Convicted cop-killer Carl Lucas, aka Frankenstein, is a superstar driver in the brutal prison yard demolition derby known as Death Race. Only one victory away from winning freedom for himself and his pit crew.  He’s a great guy and everyone else is crazy.  Strap in and get ready.

Rules

  • “Frankenstein”
  • “Death Race” <advanced>
  • Hyenas
  • Car crashes
  • Taking off or putting on the Frankenstein mask
  • Monkey hiding behind a rock <5 drinks, advanced>

Quotes

  • “I’ve been through more shit in my life than most people go through in 10.”
  • “This is a match to the death.  The only rule – Survive!”
  • “The only thing I know about Baja, it’s a style of tacos I like.”
  • “Hang on, I thought you didn’t know anything about this kind of racing.”  “I don’t.  It’s the first thing that came up on Google.”
  • “Stop fucking me with your eyes and let’s get on with this.”
  • “How many lives do you have?”  “At least one more.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Ooh, they’ve got hyenas as guard dogs.  Must be Africa.”
  • “Quick, hold that girl while I punch her in teh face!…Terrible fight scene.”
  • “Danny Trejo looks exactly like a ‘Goldberg’.  Good character choice.”
  • “Why are they in those big hamster wheels?”
  • “This is impossible to watch.  I’m going to have a seizure.”
  • “The thinking is that his secretary will somehow betray him.  Bets?”
  • “Was this movie filmed by a dude with ADD?”
  • “Thinnest …. Plot …. Ever?  I’ve seen porns with more fully fleshed out plots.”
  • “Wouldn’t he have trench foot by now?”
  • “I’m glad they’re giving us the entire back plot.  It’s so complicated I never would have figured it out.”

What We Learned

  • Prisons in Africa are guarded by Hyenas.
  • It’s a good idea for female prisoners in coed prisons to dress really provocatively.  Everything will be fine.
  • Weapons do not come in handy in Death Race.
  • Smart missiles are really smart.  Like follow a man through a house smart.
  • Web Casts can be watched on crappy old analog tv’s in rural Africa.

Final Take

If you liked the first second Death Race, you’ll sure like the second second Death Race.  It’s basically just more of the same.  I’m pretty sure it’s got the exact same cast.  This time instead of racing in a re-purposed warehouse district, they’ve taken the fun to a rally course in South Africa.  The prisoners are heroes with hearts of gold and the villains are the most insanely evil people in the world.  There’s no character development, just nonstop car chases and explosions.  If that sounds good to you then you’ll have a good time watching it.  I did.

12
Apr
13

Bridge of Dragons

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Postapocalyptic, Uncategorized and Washed up actors

Bridge%20of%20dragons

Viewing date: 4/11/13

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, the Nick Nolte of Bulgaria

Plot: Princess Halo doesn’t want to marry General Ruechang.  Warchild (Dolph) is torn between his military orders from Ruechang and his feelings for Princess Halo.  Explosions and jump-kicks occur.

Rules:

  • See a dragon. (this rule didn’t pan out)
  • “Ruechang”
  • “666”
  • Dumb sound-effects.
  • Stunts with trampolines.

Quotes:

“Thank you War Child”

“From this distance, I’d say the scope won’t be necessary.”

“Tomorrow we marry.  We can build a dream or a nightmare.  Your choice.”

“It’s over.”  “No soldier.  It’s just the beginning.”

Viewer Quotes:

(Halfway through the movie) “So what’s this movie about?”

“Look.  Their camp is all about family and fun.”

“This is what happens when you don’t plan anything out and wear elbow pads to a gunfight.”

“I used to store it in my vagina.”  “You used to store it in your vagina?”  “No.  Not me, her.”

“That’s what they do in Bulgaria.  Eat some goulash and run away from helicopters.”

“Who’s getting married?  Dracula?”

What We Learned:

You won’t see any bridges or dragons in this movie.

Explosives containers are always clearly labeled

Nimrod is a legitimate Eastern European name.

Dolph Lundgren has a trailer driver that is mentioned in the credits.

Final Cut:

This was 90 minutes of generic action movie, that had no bridges or dragons whatsoever.  We were entertained, had some decent rules and laughs, but as soon as it was over, I don’t remember hardly anything about the movie.  Maybe it was the combination of cold medicine and beer that I was consuming- or maybe it was an extremely forgettable film.  Most likely somewhere in between.  If you’re needing a fix of Dolph Lundgren and 80’s style, bad-action, look no further, but I can’t say that I would actively seek this one out.

29
Mar
13

Piranha 3DD

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized

Image

Starring: Gary Busey, The Hoff, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames

Date: 03/28/2013

Plot:

Magic piranha swim through a complicated network of underground lakes to reach a water park somehow.  They’re probably attracted to their natural habitat in highly chlorinated pool water.  Bring in some annoying tools, lots of boobs, The Hoff, and 4 days of shooting and BAM – you’ve got yourself a movie.  Bring on Piranha 3dd3!

Rules

  • Boobs
  • Guys who are tools.
  • Stupid Music
  • Gratuitous 3d

Quotes

  • “That’s the gassiest cow I’ve ever seen!”
  • “The hole where the water comes out…she’s so wet.”
  • “Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina!”
  • “Kids whizzing?  I can handle that.”
  • “Welcome to rock bottom.”
  • “Once these idiots get out of the water, it’s not as if these fish are going to follow them home.”
  • “You went back into the water…you little ginger moron.”
  • “How’d you buy that shotgun leg?” – “With the money I saved on socks.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “So these fish were born out of a cow’s asshole?”
  • “So I guess that’s the end of Gary Busey.”
  • “They’re finding elaborate ways to kill these kids.  I like it.”
  • “Luckily he’s still handcuffed.”
  • “The water park drains into the lake?”
  • “Her great idea is to go back into this lake where she was just attacked by killer piranhas?”
  • “Gee, if only she remembered the last time this happened…earlier today.”
  • “Who thinks it’s going to bite his dick off?”
  • “How did their van get into the middle of the lake?”
  • “Every single guy in this movie is a tool.”
  • “Does he have a leg gun?”

What We Learned

  • Piranha can live inside of a woman for a couple of days.
  • Piranha can chew through bone but not through a penis.
  • Piranha have no problem with chlorinated pool water.
  • Piranha can break through a steel wall but not through a glass tank.
  • Small towns have huge water parks and only one policeman.
  • There’s a vast network of connected underground lakes under the continental US.

Final Take

Piranha 3dd is not as good a movie as the first one, let’s just get that out of the way right now.  All of the big name actors (I use that term loosely) probably showed up for one day of shooting, mailed it in and left with their bag of peanuts.  The good news is that it’s still worth watching.  There’s lots of t&a, gruesome kills, and it definitely doesn’t play itself off as a serious movie.  If you can, you should definitely watch it in 3d as well.  Don’t get me wrong, this is no Avatar, but they’re definitely used liberally throughout the movie and lots of times to great comedic effect.  To top it off, The Hoff actually has a decent amount of screen time and has a few of the best lines.  I also heard that if you buy the movie and like their FB page, The Hoff will send you a hand-written thank you note with a signed head shot.  *Note – thank you is not guaranteed.

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