Archive for June 1st, 2012

01
Jun
12

Torque

Viewing date: 5/31/2012

Starring:

Ice Cube, some guy that sort of looks like David Arquette, Jaime Pressley

Summary:

Biker Cary Ford is framed by an old rival and biker gang leader for the murder of another gang member who happens to be the brother of Trey (Ice Cube), leader of the most feared biker gang in the country. Ford is now on the run trying to clear his name from the murder with Trey and his gang looking for his blood.

Rules:

  • Wheelies
  • Sliding bike under things
  • Airborne vehicles
  • Motorcycle puns
  • Dragging knees around corners
  • Ice Cube sneering

Quotes:

“What is it about driving cars that makes you guys such assholes?”

“No two sprockets are the same”…  “Like a fingerprint…”

“I live my life a quarter mile at a time.”

“Every major road to LA has been blocked.”

“Fuck the Po-lice.” (Ice Cube)

Viewer quotes:

“She snuck up on him.  On a motorcycle!”

“This director is no Spike Jonze.”

What we learned:

  • Motorcycles only make noise when they’re right next you.
  • Police base opinions on one person’s eyewitness testimony and put the suspect on the most wanted list based on no other evidence.
  • Motorcycles can go even faster when doing wheelies.
  • Nothing provokes a fight faster than riding your bike quickly past someone.
  • Bikers and car drivers hate each other.
  • There IS a black biker gang (called the reapers), although the “good” biker gangs are multi-racial.
  • Ice Cube is a shit actor that sneers a lot.
  • Ice Cube portrays Ice Cube very well.
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01
Jun
12

Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption

 

Viewing Date: 3/15/2012

Starring: 

Ron Perlman, Billy Zane, Kimbo Slice

Summary:

Since his rise to power, Mathayus’ kingdom has fallen. Now an assassin for hire, he must defend a kingdom from an evil tyrant and his ghost warriors for the chance to regain the power and glory he once knew.

Rules:

  • Insects (scorpions x 2)
  • Thief sidekick
  • Sandstorm
  • Skulls (see them, or say “skulls”)
  • Sand while fighting
  • Elephants
  • One-liners
  • Bad dubbing

Quotes:

“I smell like warrior!”

“Who pissed in your wineskin?”

01
Jun
12

Tucker and Dale vs Evil

 

Viewing Date: April 2012

Starring: No one of note

Summary:

Tucker & Dale are on vacation at their dilapidated mountain cabin when they are attacked by a group of preppy college kids.

Rules:

  • Banjos / banjo music
  • Drinking
  • Chewing tobacco
  • Deaths

Quotes:

“It was really dark, but one of the guys looked like he was eating her face off!”

“It’s been a doozy of a day!”

“Oh my God! They cut off his bowling fingers!”

01
Jun
12

Wicked Little Things

Viewing Date: ?

Starring:  No one worth mentioning

Summary:

Karen, Sarah, and Emma Tunney are all moving to a small town in Pennsylvania where, unknown to them, in 1913, a horrid mine accident trapped dozens of children alive, underground. But there’s a problem. They’re still alive.

Rules:

  • Killed with pick ax or shovel
  • Children singing
  • Killer Vision
01
Jun
12

Dreamscape

 

Viewed on: April 2012

Starring: Christopher Plummer, Dennis Quaid, Max von Sydow, Spielberg’s wife

Summary:

A young psychic on the run from himself is recruited by the government to save the US president whose mind is trapped inside the dreamworld.

Rules:

  • Telekinesis / Mind powers
  • Saxophone
  • “Dream”
  • “Psychic”

Viewer quotes:

“As a kid, the video box made this movie seem a lot cooler than it is.”

01
Jun
12

Glass Trap

Viewing Date: 5/10/2012

Starring: C. Thomas Howell

Summary:

When an army of radioactive ants are unknowingly carted into a skyscraper, a group of people have to find a way out before they’re eaten one by one.

Rules:

  • Ant noises / scissor noises
  • Scenes in parking garage
  • Ant sightings
01
Jun
12

Against The Dark

Viewing date: 05/17/2012

Summary:

When most of the population of Earth is infected with a virus and transformed into flesh eaters and blood drinking creatures, a group of hunters led by Tao chases the vampire zombies to eliminate them. Six non-infected survivors try to find the exit of an abandoned hospital crowded with the infected creatures, and Tao and his group help them. Meanwhile, the military command is ready to bomb the area and wipe it from the map.

Starring:

Steven Seagal, the Rock’s cousin and Vampires (although they’re more like cannibal mutants)

Rules:

  • People bitten
  • Seagal one liners
  • Puns about vampires
  • Vampires hissing with fangs
  • Outdoor shot of hospital with symbol

Quotes:

“We’re not here to decide who’s right or wrong, we’re here to decide who lives or dies.”

“The thing about luck is you never know when it’s going to run out”




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June 2012
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