Bad Movie Thursday

Starring: Gary Busey, The Hoff, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames

Date: 03/28/2013

Plot:

Magic piranha swim through a complicated network of underground lakes to reach a water park somehow.  They’re probably attracted to their natural habitat in highly chlorinated pool water.  Bring in some annoying tools, lots of boobs, The Hoff, and 4 days of shooting and BAM – you’ve got yourself a movie.  Bring on Piranha 3dd3!

Rules

• Boobs
• Guys who are tools.
• Stupid Music
• Gratuitous 3d

Quotes

• “That’s the gassiest cow I’ve ever seen!”
• “The hole where the water comes out…she’s so wet.”
• “Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina!”
• “Kids whizzing?  I can handle that.”
• “Welcome to rock bottom.”
• “Once these idiots get out of the water, it’s not as if these fish are going to follow them home.”
• “You went back into the water…you little ginger moron.”
• “How’d you buy that shotgun leg?” – “With the money I saved on socks.”

Viewer Quotes

• “So these fish were born out of a cow’s asshole?”
• “So I guess that’s the end of Gary Busey.”
• “They’re finding elaborate ways to kill these kids.  I like it.”
• “Luckily he’s still handcuffed.”
• “The water park drains into the lake?”
• “Her great idea is to go back into this lake where she was just attacked by killer piranhas?”
• “Gee, if only she remembered the last time this happened…earlier today.”
• “Who thinks it’s going to bite his dick off?”
• “How did their van get into the middle of the lake?”
• “Every single guy in this movie is a tool.”
• “Does he have a leg gun?”

What We Learned

• Piranha can live inside of a woman for a couple of days.
• Piranha can chew through bone but not through a penis.
• Piranha have no problem with chlorinated pool water.
• Piranha can break through a steel wall but not through a glass tank.
• Small towns have huge water parks and only one policeman.
• There’s a vast network of connected underground lakes under the continental US.

Final Take

Piranha 3dd is not as good a movie as the first one, let’s just get that out of the way right now.  All of the big name actors (I use that term loosely) probably showed up for one day of shooting, mailed it in and left with their bag of peanuts.  The good news is that it’s still worth watching.  There’s lots of t&a, gruesome kills, and it definitely doesn’t play itself off as a serious movie.  If you can, you should definitely watch it in 3d as well.  Don’t get me wrong, this is no Avatar, but they’re definitely used liberally throughout the movie and lots of times to great comedic effect.  To top it off, The Hoff actually has a decent amount of screen time and has a few of the best lines.  I also heard that if you buy the movie and like their FB page, The Hoff will send you a hand-written thank you note with a signed head shot.  *Note – thank you is not guaranteed.

Viewing Date: 1/24/2013

Starring: Michael Caine, David Warner

Plot: Based on a novel by Peter Benchley (Jaws), the movie follows Blair Maynard (Michael Caine), a magazine journalist who travels with his son to an area of the Caribbean to investigate the mysterious disappearances of sailboats, yachts and other ships.  What he finds is a colony of pirates that have been living on a small island for 300 years.  The pirates capture the journalist and his son and due to bizarre traditions, they need to brainwash the son to become their future leader, which they do successfully in two days.  Maynard is spared from death because the pirates think he has noble blood and held captive so he can mate with the only female in the band of pirates (?).

Rules:

• Someone says “Pirates” or any synonym for pirates (buccaneers, etc)
• Flaming headwear
• Someone says “Outrageous”
• Someone says “Two Barb”
• Nonsensical moments (advanced rule because there are a lot of them)
• Music that is not appropriate for what is happening

Quotes:

“I got a job for you…”

(after the airplane pilot puts a hat on the 12 year old boy) “Tower gotta believe we got two pilots- it’s the law.  I tried to put it on the pig once.  The bitch bit me!”

“It’s like Lex Luthor’s place.  You know- the brainy guy who is always out to get Superman.”

“He die.  She whore.  Who pay to thrust with her?”

“You no talk.  You thrust.”

“Molasses!  You son of a bitch Manuel!!!”

“You be the trickster my son.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Thank you for larding me.”

“They all talk like cavemen.”

“Pumpin’…  And Blowin’!” (reference to ‘The Pirate Movie’ another bad movie Thursday gem)

“Do you think these people were coked out of their minds filming this movie?”

What We Learned:

• The Caribbean is the asshole of the Western World.
• Planes explode if they don’t use their landing gear.
• Pirates don’t spend much time at sea.
• If you kill a pirate, his widow is a whore if she kills her husband’s murderer.  If she doesn’t, he must thrust with her.
• Lard is sexy and great lube.
• You can be brainwashed in 2 days if matchsticks and water are involved.
• A handful of old-timey pirates can easily overtake a fully manned Coast Guard vessel.
• Giant stinging jelly fish guard pirate islands.
• No eat, no thrust.

Final Take:

This was a bizarre movie and apparently it was an enormous box office failure when it came out and ruined several careers- so bonus points awarded for that.  The best part of this movie is virtually nothing that occurs is plausible or makes any sense whatsoever.  Boats (and people) are vanishing at a rate of once every three days and the Coast Guard / local governments / any one else is concerned enough to do a more thorough investigation?  No one has ever witnessed the pirates and been able to evade them or survive in the 300 years they’ve been doing this?  These few points are just the tip of the iceberg.  How the characters interact with each other, the brainwashing and every other aspect of this movie are ridiculous and not believable.  Had the pirates actually been zombies or ghosts that would have helped to suspend the disbelief, but this movie takes the premise completely seriously.  But again, that’s what makes this movie fun, so overall, this was an entertaining film.

Starring: The Hoff (nuff said)

Plot

A trio of hapless bounty hunters are recruited by a shady bail bondsman to try to keep a witness in drug trial alive to testify.

Rules

• Stereotypes
• Hasselhoff wears a headband, leather jacket, or leather pants
• Hasselhoff swears (x3), anyone else swears (x1)
• Editing mistakes (keep on your toes!)
• Every time someone says “white bread.”
• Hoff sings

Quotes

• “These guys drive worse than orientals.”
• “Another shit from the Hoff.”
• “There’s a time for shootin’ and a time for talkin’.”
• “Flat like a fucking tortilla!”
• “Ann Job?  You mean Hand Job?”

The Final Word

This is an action movie starring the Hoff, so there’s not much of a reason you shouldn’t watch it.  I’m pretty sure there’s singing, although it’s hard to remember because this is another backfill from a few years back.  I don’t remember much of it, although I think I could stomach watching it again.  It’s got to be good.

Starring: Burt Reynolds and some kid who never made another movie.

Plot

Devon Butler is an eight-year old who dreams of being a cop. He watches police TV shows, knows police procedures, and plays cops and robbers with his friend Ray. One day, while snooping around in a warehouse, he witnesses a murder. He goes to the police, who want the information, but won’t get it until they make Devon a cop. The police then team him with veteran cop (and child hater) Nick McKenna, and the two team up in comic series of events to find the killer.

Rules

• Someone gets hit in the groin
• Wipe transition between scenes
• Bullies
• “Quid Pro Quo”
• See or hear cop
• “Getting too old for this.”
• Twinky-cam

Quotes

• “He’s been dunking for turds.”
• “Can’t have any fun with a kid.  You take him to a bar, he has one drink and falls off the stool.”
• “Do you want to play swords?”

The Final Word

Another backfill.  I barely remember anything from this movie.  It was definitely not one of the BMT classics.  Probably the most notable thing about it is that the kid basically never made another movie, so chalk that up to Burt Reynolds ruining another person’s movie career.  Way to go Burt.  I think you can get everything you need to know from the movie poster.  Burt Reynolds and a child actor team up, unwatchable shenanigans ensue.

Starring: Kristy McNichol, Christopher Atkins, some pirates.

Plot:

A parody/homage to Gilbert and Sullivan’s Pirates of Penzance, The Pirate Movie is a comedy/musical utilizing both new songs and parodies from the original, as well as references to popular films of the time, including Star Wars and Raiders of the Lost Ark. In your typical boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy fights girl with swords plot, the story revolves around Mabel, the youngest of Maj. Gen. Stanley’s many daughters, and Frederic, an ex-Pirate of Penzance. They fall in love and proceed to retrieve the Stanley’s fortune from the Pirates (stolen 20 years ago). The Pirate King informs Frederic that due to him being born on Feb. 29th (during a leap year), Frederic is still technically the King’s apprentice. Frederic must then decide between duty and honor, the only good qualities the King taught him, and true love.

Rules:

• Sword fights
• Songs
• Fast Motion

Quotes:

• “I told you chinese, but this is ridiculous!”
• “Mabel, your goosebumps have grown!” <boobs>
• <singing> “Pumpin’, and blowin'”

The Final Word

This is another backfill of a movie we watched a few years back.  It’s a spoof of comedy/musical The Pirates of Penzance.  I saw that play and thought it was pretty bad, so now imagine a parody of a bad musical and you’ll start to understand what you’re in for.  We only came up with three rules for it, which is an indication of how engaging it was.  Pretty boring, and pretty hard to get through.  Enjoy.

Rules:

Bodily Fluids

Singing

Masturbation references

Troma references

Chicken references

Quotes:

You see I was antibeastiality and he was pro.

Who put these mysterious vein covered pulsating eggs in this box?

Now eat my meat you vegan whores!

How can I ever love someone who wants me to eat cock.

The chicken, the chicken has declared jihad on us all.

There’s a severed penis in this sloppy Jose.

I’ll believe in the supernatural when I see it talking sandwich.

If we don’t find a way to stop them we’ll all have mops shoved up our asses.

Hummus see if you can find his rectum.

I wish I was a princess.  (As two chicken men pull a guy apart.)

Wendy you fucking drunk.

Things I learned:

Never again.

You can make movies in 2006 that look like they’re from 1992.

Alcohol kills zombie Native American chickens.

Viewer Quotes:

“I want to unlearn this movie”

“There were a lot of boobs, but less then half of them were decent.”

Summary: The gingerdead man travels back in time to 1976 and carries out an epic disco killing spree.

Viewing Date: 7/12/12

Rules:

70’s cliches (white suits, disco balls, drug use, etc.)

Silence of the Lambs references.

Baked goods puns

Men playing female characters (first scene only)

Miscellaneous scenes of roller skate bogeying.

Quotes:

“He said I can smell your muffin.”

“I think I’d like to peel off those satin pants and ball you in the back of my Trans Am.”

“Of all the shithead decades to get stranded in.”

“Some hose for the ho’s.”

“Don’t go, stay, we’ll burn that dress and pray together.”

“You’re one hot twat Babe.”

“There’s magic spinning from those wheels Cherry.”

“If I hadn’t spent all those drunken nights at the Indian Casino I’d be able to pay those back taxes.”

“It’s a homicidal confectionery treat.”

Watcher Quotes:

“Why is there a vat of hydrochloric acid at a roller skating rink?”

“What, did they open the Arc of the Covenant?”

“Do they call this guy Tux because he’s always wearing a tuxedo t-shirt?”

“If I was going to bring back people from time to help me I wouldn’t bring back Hitler and a bunch of serial killers.”

What I learned from this movie:

A crazy barrel jumping cross-dresser caused Pearl Harbor.

FDR was at Pearl Harbor.

GingerDead men have penises.

Time machines are made at hospitals for the criminally insane baked goods.

Hitler loves to Roller Boogie.