Bad Movie Thursday

Date: 8/22/2013

Starring: Carrie Fisher, Al from Quantum Leap, and a bunch of Englishmen.

Plot 

In the distant future, the human race nears extinction.  Only the hardiest of people, Australians, have survived.  They live in a city that can apparently travel through time, propelled by the shear power of Al from Quantum Leap’s acting prowess.  Pursuing them through time are weird cyborg creatures.  There is no reason for these cyborg creatures to relentlessly chase them through time and space, only their apparent hatred of all things Aussie.

Rules

• References to other Sci Fi Movies
• “Spin”
• Australian colloquialisms, “Mate”, “Crikey”, “Reckon”, “G’day”
• Stupid future outfits (at your discretion)
• Terrible quality music
• “Time”
• “Jendiki”

Quotes

•  “These aren’t plumbers you can bribe to get your bathroom fixed overnight, lady.  They kill to live.”
• “Triangulate the time spheres.”
• “I come from the future.  From a city that travels in time.  It can land in any time zone.”
• “He was a … what do you cal it .., feral child?”
• “Ballard, the time guardian, has run out of time.”

Viewer Quotes

•  “This music is so terrible.  It’s like video game music.”
• “Is this 1988?  Why does that guy look like an old prospector?”
• “These are such practical outfits.  Sawblades around the head.”
• “This is 2000 years in the future.  Why is shit so similar?”
• “Is the Coors Light train coming through?”
• “Princess Leia is a 20th century expert?”
• “They’re finding some kind of spheres?  What are these spheres?  Why haven’t we heard of them before?”
• “Where did these time spheres come from?”
• “Ballard’s got a Charlie Sheen haircut.”
• “What’s the deal with this guy?  Is he the world’s biggest asshole?”  –  “Pretty much.  He peed his pants and now he’s reading comics.”
• “That’s an adidas time sphere.”
• “Even Carrie Fisher’s shirt has healed.”

Things We Learned

• You can pull guns out of broken time spheres – but there is a cost.
• Aborigines are in touch with time guardians.
• There’s some kind of connection between the confederate south and Australia.
• Lawmen in Australia are the most evil, corrupt people in the country.
• Time Travelling cities need a flat piece of land to warp to.  Prairies or other naturally flat landscapes do not work.  They must flatten the land by hand and with earth movers.
• Australia is a hotspot for time travelers.

Final Take 

What do you get when you cross Star Wars, Star Trek, Terminator, Mad Max, and Quantum Leap?  Kind of a mess.  This movie was mildly entertaining at times, but mostly hard to follow.  There’s no explanation for why these cyborgs are trying to chase this city through time.  If they have all of time and space at their command, isn’t there room enough for the both of them?  Not according to the cyborgs.  Also, the leading actors in the movie, Al from Quantum Leap and Carrie Fisher, have probably 10 minutes of screen time.  That’s a big red flag.  All in all, it’s probably not worth going out your way to see.

Date: 6/13/2013

Starring: Pretty much nobody.  Yes, a couple of people without limbs.

Plot: Two men skilled in the arts of Kung-Fu are betrayed by their master and crippled for life, one left with no arms and the other with no legs. Despite their obvious disadvantages, they learn to combine their martial arts skills and seek revenge against the evil master.

Rules

• Weird special effects sounds (particularly that up and down xylophone sound)
• Anytime they make fun of someone for being handicapped.
• Rubbing the mustache
• Evil Laughs
• Ghost faced killa beat somebody up
• Bad guy calling someone a fool or idiot
• Bitch slapped by a little hand.

Quotes

• “If you kill me today, who’s going to provide you with coffins?”
• “You are a sadistic monster.  One day you’ll get what’s coming to you!”
• “Now I’ve destroyed your legs.  Let’s see what you can do without them.  Don’t look at me like that.  There’s nothing you can do now.”
• “You fool!  Let me show you how to collect rent.”
• “You again?  Well, you don’t seem to like living very much.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Apparently he doesn’t need medical attention after getting his arms cut off.”
• “He saved his life by putting him in a coffin!”
• “Who orders someone to beat up a cripple?”
• “He fell in the river!  Should we call him Bob?”
• “I think he’s trying to catch those chickens?” – “Those are ducks!”
• “How do you know you’ve hit rock bottom?  You’re eating from a pig trough.”
• “Is he playing hackey sack with a dead bird?”
• “Mustaches everywhere!”
• “They’re called black and white!”
• “A study in how to make a kung fu movie with only 3 kung fu sounds.”
• “Was this movie the inspiration for hear no evil see no evil.”
• “This guy is either ghollum or the dude with the bitter beer face from those old keystone light commercials.”
• “Should we take offense that this guy’s in whiteface?”
• “They literally have an arsenal of 5 sounds.”
• “To be killed by that weird little leg might be one of the worst ways to go.”
• “How come we didn’t see that guy had a hunchback before?”
• “This is where’s he’s using his pole skills.”
• “Which one is considered crouching tiger?”
• “His hunch is a metal plate!”
• “This guy’s wearing earrings now.” – “Those are anal beads.”

What We Learned

• The man with no arms always trumps the man with no legs.
• Viewers are unable to decide whether it’s worse to live without arms or without legs.
• You can kill a man by pushing your toes into his adam’s apple.
• You can use your hunch back to attack or defend very effectively.
• A legless man on top of an armless man is an unstoppable force and holds the secret to unbeatable kung fu, according to some jade horse figurines.
• In fact that is not a great secret.

Final Take

This movie was a little disturbing to watch at first, but once you got past the initial horror of laughing at the depravity on screen, it was pretty enjoyable.  Look at all those quotes!  The ridiculous sound effects and terrible voice acting were pretty egregious and greatly entertaining.  It really felt like I was watching speed racer, with an extra “ha ha” thrown in any time they felt they needed an extra word for the mouth movements on screen.  I wouldn’t say it’s top 10, 20, but it might be somewhere up there.  And it was definitely memorable.  I’d probably give it a 3/5.

Starring: Gary Busey, The Hoff, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames

Date: 03/28/2013

Plot:

Magic piranha swim through a complicated network of underground lakes to reach a water park somehow.  They’re probably attracted to their natural habitat in highly chlorinated pool water.  Bring in some annoying tools, lots of boobs, The Hoff, and 4 days of shooting and BAM – you’ve got yourself a movie.  Bring on Piranha 3dd3!

Rules

• Boobs
• Guys who are tools.
• Stupid Music
• Gratuitous 3d

Quotes

• “That’s the gassiest cow I’ve ever seen!”
• “The hole where the water comes out…she’s so wet.”
• “Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina!”
• “Kids whizzing?  I can handle that.”
• “Welcome to rock bottom.”
• “Once these idiots get out of the water, it’s not as if these fish are going to follow them home.”
• “You went back into the water…you little ginger moron.”
• “How’d you buy that shotgun leg?” – “With the money I saved on socks.”

Viewer Quotes

• “So these fish were born out of a cow’s asshole?”
• “So I guess that’s the end of Gary Busey.”
• “They’re finding elaborate ways to kill these kids.  I like it.”
• “Luckily he’s still handcuffed.”
• “The water park drains into the lake?”
• “Her great idea is to go back into this lake where she was just attacked by killer piranhas?”
• “Gee, if only she remembered the last time this happened…earlier today.”
• “Who thinks it’s going to bite his dick off?”
• “How did their van get into the middle of the lake?”
• “Every single guy in this movie is a tool.”
• “Does he have a leg gun?”

What We Learned

• Piranha can live inside of a woman for a couple of days.
• Piranha can chew through bone but not through a penis.
• Piranha have no problem with chlorinated pool water.
• Piranha can break through a steel wall but not through a glass tank.
• Small towns have huge water parks and only one policeman.
• There’s a vast network of connected underground lakes under the continental US.

Final Take

Piranha 3dd is not as good a movie as the first one, let’s just get that out of the way right now.  All of the big name actors (I use that term loosely) probably showed up for one day of shooting, mailed it in and left with their bag of peanuts.  The good news is that it’s still worth watching.  There’s lots of t&a, gruesome kills, and it definitely doesn’t play itself off as a serious movie.  If you can, you should definitely watch it in 3d as well.  Don’t get me wrong, this is no Avatar, but they’re definitely used liberally throughout the movie and lots of times to great comedic effect.  To top it off, The Hoff actually has a decent amount of screen time and has a few of the best lines.  I also heard that if you buy the movie and like their FB page, The Hoff will send you a hand-written thank you note with a signed head shot.  *Note – thank you is not guaranteed.

Viewing Date: 1/24/2013

Starring: Michael Caine, David Warner

Plot: Based on a novel by Peter Benchley (Jaws), the movie follows Blair Maynard (Michael Caine), a magazine journalist who travels with his son to an area of the Caribbean to investigate the mysterious disappearances of sailboats, yachts and other ships.  What he finds is a colony of pirates that have been living on a small island for 300 years.  The pirates capture the journalist and his son and due to bizarre traditions, they need to brainwash the son to become their future leader, which they do successfully in two days.  Maynard is spared from death because the pirates think he has noble blood and held captive so he can mate with the only female in the band of pirates (?).

Rules:

• Someone says “Pirates” or any synonym for pirates (buccaneers, etc)
• Flaming headwear
• Someone says “Outrageous”
• Someone says “Two Barb”
• Nonsensical moments (advanced rule because there are a lot of them)
• Music that is not appropriate for what is happening

Quotes:

“I got a job for you…”

(after the airplane pilot puts a hat on the 12 year old boy) “Tower gotta believe we got two pilots- it’s the law.  I tried to put it on the pig once.  The bitch bit me!”

“It’s like Lex Luthor’s place.  You know- the brainy guy who is always out to get Superman.”

“He die.  She whore.  Who pay to thrust with her?”

“You no talk.  You thrust.”

“Molasses!  You son of a bitch Manuel!!!”

“You be the trickster my son.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Thank you for larding me.”

“They all talk like cavemen.”

“Pumpin’…  And Blowin’!” (reference to ‘The Pirate Movie’ another bad movie Thursday gem)

“Do you think these people were coked out of their minds filming this movie?”

What We Learned:

• The Caribbean is the asshole of the Western World.
• Planes explode if they don’t use their landing gear.
• Pirates don’t spend much time at sea.
• If you kill a pirate, his widow is a whore if she kills her husband’s murderer.  If she doesn’t, he must thrust with her.
• Lard is sexy and great lube.
• You can be brainwashed in 2 days if matchsticks and water are involved.
• A handful of old-timey pirates can easily overtake a fully manned Coast Guard vessel.
• Giant stinging jelly fish guard pirate islands.
• No eat, no thrust.

Final Take:

This was a bizarre movie and apparently it was an enormous box office failure when it came out and ruined several careers- so bonus points awarded for that.  The best part of this movie is virtually nothing that occurs is plausible or makes any sense whatsoever.  Boats (and people) are vanishing at a rate of once every three days and the Coast Guard / local governments / any one else is concerned enough to do a more thorough investigation?  No one has ever witnessed the pirates and been able to evade them or survive in the 300 years they’ve been doing this?  These few points are just the tip of the iceberg.  How the characters interact with each other, the brainwashing and every other aspect of this movie are ridiculous and not believable.  Had the pirates actually been zombies or ghosts that would have helped to suspend the disbelief, but this movie takes the premise completely seriously.  But again, that’s what makes this movie fun, so overall, this was an entertaining film.

Starring: The Hoff (nuff said)

Plot

A trio of hapless bounty hunters are recruited by a shady bail bondsman to try to keep a witness in drug trial alive to testify.

Rules

• Stereotypes
• Hasselhoff wears a headband, leather jacket, or leather pants
• Hasselhoff swears (x3), anyone else swears (x1)
• Editing mistakes (keep on your toes!)
• Every time someone says “white bread.”
• Hoff sings

Quotes

• “These guys drive worse than orientals.”
• “Another shit from the Hoff.”
• “There’s a time for shootin’ and a time for talkin’.”
• “Flat like a fucking tortilla!”
• “Ann Job?  You mean Hand Job?”

The Final Word

This is an action movie starring the Hoff, so there’s not much of a reason you shouldn’t watch it.  I’m pretty sure there’s singing, although it’s hard to remember because this is another backfill from a few years back.  I don’t remember much of it, although I think I could stomach watching it again.  It’s got to be good.

Starring: Burt Reynolds and some kid who never made another movie.

Plot

Devon Butler is an eight-year old who dreams of being a cop. He watches police TV shows, knows police procedures, and plays cops and robbers with his friend Ray. One day, while snooping around in a warehouse, he witnesses a murder. He goes to the police, who want the information, but won’t get it until they make Devon a cop. The police then team him with veteran cop (and child hater) Nick McKenna, and the two team up in comic series of events to find the killer.

Rules

• Someone gets hit in the groin
• Wipe transition between scenes
• Bullies
• “Quid Pro Quo”
• See or hear cop
• “Getting too old for this.”
• Twinky-cam

Quotes

• “He’s been dunking for turds.”
• “Can’t have any fun with a kid.  You take him to a bar, he has one drink and falls off the stool.”
• “Do you want to play swords?”

The Final Word

Another backfill.  I barely remember anything from this movie.  It was definitely not one of the BMT classics.  Probably the most notable thing about it is that the kid basically never made another movie, so chalk that up to Burt Reynolds ruining another person’s movie career.  Way to go Burt.  I think you can get everything you need to know from the movie poster.  Burt Reynolds and a child actor team up, unwatchable shenanigans ensue.

Starring: Kristy McNichol, Christopher Atkins, some pirates.

Plot:

A parody/homage to Gilbert and Sullivan’s Pirates of Penzance, The Pirate Movie is a comedy/musical utilizing both new songs and parodies from the original, as well as references to popular films of the time, including Star Wars and Raiders of the Lost Ark. In your typical boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy fights girl with swords plot, the story revolves around Mabel, the youngest of Maj. Gen. Stanley’s many daughters, and Frederic, an ex-Pirate of Penzance. They fall in love and proceed to retrieve the Stanley’s fortune from the Pirates (stolen 20 years ago). The Pirate King informs Frederic that due to him being born on Feb. 29th (during a leap year), Frederic is still technically the King’s apprentice. Frederic must then decide between duty and honor, the only good qualities the King taught him, and true love.

Rules:

• Sword fights
• Songs
• Fast Motion

Quotes:

• “I told you chinese, but this is ridiculous!”
• “Mabel, your goosebumps have grown!” <boobs>
• <singing> “Pumpin’, and blowin'”

The Final Word

This is another backfill of a movie we watched a few years back.  It’s a spoof of comedy/musical The Pirates of Penzance.  I saw that play and thought it was pretty bad, so now imagine a parody of a bad musical and you’ll start to understand what you’re in for.  We only came up with three rules for it, which is an indication of how engaging it was.  Pretty boring, and pretty hard to get through.  Enjoy.