Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: 12/10/2015

Summary:  New kid in town Brodie and bad-boy Zakk quickly bond over their mutual admiration of heavy metal. But when these two metal thrashing losers unwittingly summon malevolent forces, their dreams of stardom may just have to be put on hold.(via Rotten Tomatoes)

Starring: Some Kiwis

Rules

• Every time someone visualizes themselves as a rock star
• Hand drawn air graphics
• 80’s music references
• Decapitations
• Blood spraying out of stuff.
• “Brutal”

Quotes

• “Dude, what the hell? It’s a fucking Rick Astley record!”
• “Does anybody want something from the shop?” – “Gold Bond (?), Vaseline, jumper cables and amonium nitrate.” “I don’t think they sell that combination of things.”
• “Should we check his pulse?” – “He has a fucking engine for a head.  Don’t think he’s going to be walking this one off.”
• “Wait, 3 AM pacific or eastern?  Do demons recognize daylight savings?”
• “You’re pretty good at whacking guys off, bro.”
• “I expected this…he’s chaotic neutral and you’re lawful good.”
• “Damn.  I can’t tell if I have a fear boner or a boner boner.”
• “If we soil our pants, do you think they’ll let us go?” – “I guess we’ll find out soon!”
• “Which one of you wants to be skull-fucked first?” – “Not me.  I need my skull for exams.”

Viewer Quotes

• “They have dildos everywhere!”

What We Learned

• Demons make you shit blood.
• In New Zealand you wash your face in a trough of water.
• Dildos are good weapons against demons.

Final Take

Pretty damn good.  Over the top violence without really any CGI, which is a nice change these days.  Funny, and had some T&A sprinkled in there.  I might have to watch it again, if only to make sense of the garbled New Zealanders.

Date Watched: 8/13/15

Starring: Halle Berry

Plot: A shy woman, endowed with the speed, reflexes, and senses of a cat, walks a thin line between criminal and hero, even as a detective doggedly pursues her, fascinated by both of her personas.

Rules

• Halle Berry acting out cat stereotypes
• Bad cat puns
• Flashing eyes
• “Mau”
• “Midnight”
• Terrible CGI

Quotes

• “They say she jumps around like a cat.  What should we call her?  Cat Chick?  No, Cat Broad.”
• “You are Patience…and you are Catwoman.”
• “Resist the urge to date woman born the same day they invented the cell phone.”
• “Game over.” – “Guess what?  It’s overtime!”

Viewer Quotes

• “This is what a cat would do if it became human.”
• “This soundtrack is disturbingly awful.  It is way too distracting.”

Things We Learned

• Cats can resuscitate dead people.
• Being resuscitated by a cat makes you a phenomenal basketball player.
• Catwoman has the worst soundtrack.  Of all time.
• Nobody looks twice at you when you walk into a club with a cat mask on.
• Skinny people can slip right out of jail cells.

Final Take:

Date Watched: 6/25/15

Starring: Adrian Paul, Richard Grieco

Plot: A group of refugees from Earth work to survive on a hostile alien planet.

Rules

• Unspecial effects
• Predator cliches (including invisible people)
• Picking up random people
• “Why should I follow you?”
• Canned sounds

Quotes

• “Couldn’t you find anything bigger?”  –  “It’s bigger than yours.”  –  “That’s what your momma said.”
• “Are you sure this water is safe?  Most of the water on Earth is polluted.”
• “But there’s only two of us, and you’re not my type.”
• “I’d be happy to assist by digging a grave for Hannah.”
• “If we’re going to save humanity, we’ve got to stay human.  We’re going to bury her.”
• “Why should I follow you?”

Viewer Quotes

• “Apparently they found a woman.”
• “That’s why you can never trust short people.”

What We Learned

• When you crash-land on an alien world, rub mud on your face.  It’s common knowledge.
• Signaling with two fingers means “When I duck, throw a knife in this guy’s face.”
• On alien worlds, you can go into nature to collect bottles of water from the trees.
• It’s a good idea to arm yourself with bows but no arrows.  You can find arrows just lying around.
• Real guns can be made to fire electrical pulses.

Final Take: That was basically a made for Sci Fi tv movie.  I remember liking the Highlander TV show back in the day that this Adrian Paul starred in, but he has literally done nothing since then.  Now he’s in this movie and I realize why.  I like living in a world where movies like this still get made, though.  You throw enough crap against the wall and eventually something will stick.  This one did not stick.  Back to the drawing board, Asylum.

Date Watched: 6/11/2015

Starring: Sherilynn Fenn, Lance Henriksen, Richard Norton, Chef

Plot: In an apocalyptic future, a man with extra-human powers goes on the run.

Rules

• “My Child”
• Visions or prophecies of the future.
• Mutant power usage
• Isaac Hayes

Quotes

• “Don’t say perfect.  Don’t tempt God to take him away.”
• “We have to share each other.  Share each other’s spaces.  Passing along our lineage, from loin to loin.”

Viewer Quotes

• “These sound effects are terrible.”
• “Is that a rubber band gun?  Have to get up close with a rubber band gun.”
• “Whoa – she’s a Palpatine!”
• “Come on Movie – give us something here.”
• “It could be nothing more than a freak’s wet dream, but I need to know.”

Things We Learned

• “Don’t be afraid, child” is a good phrase to use to make people feel comfortable when you first meet them.
• Mutant healing powers also wash blood off your skin, cleaning you up real nice.
• It’s pretty easy to switch your car to solar.

Final Take: Pretty boring movie.  Some OK scenes, but we totally lost interest midway through.  You’d think a movie about mutants with super-powers would be a little more interesting.  Turns out no.

Viewing Date: 6/4/2015

Starring: Kirk Cameron

Plot: The Biblical prophecy of Armageddon begins when the Rapture instantly takes all believers in Christ from the Earth. A reporter left behind learns that the Anti-Christ will soon take power. (IMDB)

Rules

• Say “Buck”
• Say “Infotactics”
• Piles o’ clothes
• People praying
• See a bible

Quotes

“I’m going to the UN.  The only place that offers any hope.”

Viewer Quotes:

• “Nic Cage was a kinder, gentler Captain Steele.”

What We Learned

• A Russian is the anti-Christ
• It is hard for most of the unbelievers to repent even after witnessing proof of the rapture (even though lack of proof was the only thing landing them in their current predicament).

Final Take
Well, this is a sparse entry.  I won’t lie.  We lost interest mid-way through and didn’t really pay attention.  The big debate is whether or not this was worse than the recent Nic Cage version.  On the plus side, a lot more happened (different scenes, plot advancement).  On the negative side, there was no action and it was pretty terrible.  We still haven’t lost “faith” in the potential for this series to be bad.  We’ll watch the sequels and hope they keep our attention.

Date Watched: 5/21/2015

Starring: Nobody agreed to star in this movie

Plot: Beaver swamp turns into a deadly zombie epidemic.  This movie was created by coming up with a title and then filling in the remaining details.

Rules

• Beaver Attacks
• Sexual Innuendos (x2 for those that include “Beaver”)
• Sorority chick bitchery
• “Beaver” (Advanced Rule)

Quotes

• “My butt hurts.”  –  “Yeah, thanks to your boyfriend.”
• “Oh, it’s ok, Mary.  My daughter’s a total fucking bitch, too.  A real whore.  Sometimes she brings people home, I don’t even know what sex they are.  And I’m not saying anything negative about them, I’m a very liberal woman.  But my daughter is a real piece of work, and not that attractive.”
• “All I know is they’re fat rats with big stupid-ass teeth.”
• “I’ve never seen a beaver up close before.”  –  “Maybe you should try going down on me every once in a while, Buck.”
• “It’s just those kids scissoring each other to Lady Gaga.”
• “Oh Fuck!  Suck a bag of dicks!”
• “I’m sorry I never ate your pussy, baby!  I promise I’ll go back and eat all of it.  It just smells so bad down there.”
• “Listen, we cannot turn against each other right now.  That is exactly what the beavers want.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Those are nice outfits.  Those shorts are amazing.”
• “Who do you think is the first one to die?  Maybe the huge bitch?”
• “Which guy’s the biggest douche bag, I can’t even tell.”
• “He just held up his own foot.”
• “The beavers have taken out the phones!”
• “Why are the beavers staying outside the house?  Couldn’t they just chew through the wood?”

What We Learned

• Some sorority girls are just the worst.  Absolutely the worst.
• College guy’s apparently wear Letterman’s jackets now.
• Kids today have terrible tattoos.
• When being attacked by beavers in the water, throw a dog, then swim towards the farthest shore.
• Beavers get a lot smarter when they turn into zombies.
• If you get bitten by a zombeaver, you don’t turn into a zombie, you turn into a beaver zombie.  This also applies to Bears.
• Jealous ex-girlfriend zombeavers will bite your dick off.

Final Take:

Date Watched: 4/23/15

Starring: ??????

Plot: Timid, video game-loving DJ Santiago seemingly digs his own grave when he agrees to bring a violent criminal kingpin the head of Machine Gun Woman.

Rules

• Gratuitous ridiculousness (Sex or violence)
• Stupid 70’s music
• Decapitations
• “Machine Gun Woman”
• Showing a person’s bounty
• Grand Theft Auto stuff

Quotes

• “This little bag of farts says he’ll bring in the most blood-thirsty woman in the continent?”
• “Fucking straws all clogged up.  To enjoy it you’ve gotta suck hard, and I don’t like sucking.”
• “Pretty boy like you.  Your balls could get cut off, you know.  Do you want that?”
• “What did this mare do to piss you off so much?”
• “Please don’t kill me… I’m a good boy.”
• “I could go away with you and your mom, but you’ll have to get used to my habits, and my temper.”

Viewer Quotes

• “He’s literally wearing a Michael Jackson Thriller jacket.  That’s amazing.  And this guy’s wearing a Tom Brady jersey half shirt.”
• “I can’t take the name Chase Sausage seriously.”

Things We Learned

• In Chile, they bury 10 feet under.
• You need a license to buy a gun in Chile
• Sexy Chilean killers have C-section scars
• Taking a bullet out will magically cure someone of their wound

Final Take

First of all, watch this movie dubbed.  Brings the ridiculous factor up about 12 points.  I’m pretty sure everyone I know is qualified to do some english-dubbed voice acting, and I’m determined to add that to my resume somehow.  All in all this was a decent watch.  It was entertaining, and it was over before you really had a chance to start getting bored of it.  There was some gratuitous violence and some nudity, it went out of its way to parody Grand Theft Auto on many occasions, and it was done in Grindhouse style.  All that said, it was definitely less than the sum of those parts.  I’d probably give it solid C+/B-.