Bad Movie Thursday

Date Watched: 3/10/2016

Plot: Set during the time of the first outbreak of bubonic plague in England, a young monk is given the task of learning the truth about reports of people being brought back to life in a small village.

Rules

• References to the plague or “pestilence”
• Talk about the French
• Necromancing
• References to Christianity

Quotes

• “God has better things to think of.”
• “I will fight Ulric for the right to die first.”
• “I look forward to shagging your mother’s ass in hell.”
• “People need miracles, and they worship their miracle makers.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Don’t trust anyone who seems super sure about hearing God’s guidance.”
• “The French should die…painfully.”
• “He bit his ear off…that’s worth a drink.”
• “Yeah, draw and quarter them…cool.”

What We Learned

• Religion makes people crazy.
• Pustules aren’t cool, not in the least.
• I’m really thankful to live now and not then.

Final Take: This movie was better than I thought it would be, but unfortunately that doesn’t make it a good Bad Movie Thursday type of movie.  It took itself too seriously, but on the other hand the over-the-top gore in some scenes nearly saved it.  I can’t recommend it as a good movie to make fun of with beers and buddies, but you could probably have an OK time watching when there’s nothing else jumping out at you on Netflix.

Viewing Date: 12/10/2015

Summary:  New kid in town Brodie and bad-boy Zakk quickly bond over their mutual admiration of heavy metal. But when these two metal thrashing losers unwittingly summon malevolent forces, their dreams of stardom may just have to be put on hold.(via Rotten Tomatoes)

Starring: Some Kiwis

Rules

• Every time someone visualizes themselves as a rock star
• Hand drawn air graphics
• 80’s music references
• Decapitations
• Blood spraying out of stuff.
• “Brutal”

Quotes

• “Dude, what the hell? It’s a fucking Rick Astley record!”
• “Does anybody want something from the shop?” – “Gold Bond (?), Vaseline, jumper cables and amonium nitrate.” “I don’t think they sell that combination of things.”
• “Should we check his pulse?” – “He has a fucking engine for a head.  Don’t think he’s going to be walking this one off.”
• “Wait, 3 AM pacific or eastern?  Do demons recognize daylight savings?”
• “You’re pretty good at whacking guys off, bro.”
• “I expected this…he’s chaotic neutral and you’re lawful good.”
• “Damn.  I can’t tell if I have a fear boner or a boner boner.”
• “If we soil our pants, do you think they’ll let us go?” – “I guess we’ll find out soon!”
• “Which one of you wants to be skull-fucked first?” – “Not me.  I need my skull for exams.”

Viewer Quotes

• “They have dildos everywhere!”

What We Learned

• Demons make you shit blood.
• In New Zealand you wash your face in a trough of water.
• Dildos are good weapons against demons.

Final Take

Pretty damn good.  Over the top violence without really any CGI, which is a nice change these days.  Funny, and had some T&A sprinkled in there.  I might have to watch it again, if only to make sense of the garbled New Zealanders.

Date Watched: 8/13/15

Starring: Halle Berry

Plot: A shy woman, endowed with the speed, reflexes, and senses of a cat, walks a thin line between criminal and hero, even as a detective doggedly pursues her, fascinated by both of her personas.

Rules

• Halle Berry acting out cat stereotypes
• Bad cat puns
• Flashing eyes
• “Mau”
• “Midnight”
• Terrible CGI

Quotes

• “They say she jumps around like a cat.  What should we call her?  Cat Chick?  No, Cat Broad.”
• “You are Patience…and you are Catwoman.”
• “Resist the urge to date woman born the same day they invented the cell phone.”
• “Game over.” – “Guess what?  It’s overtime!”

Viewer Quotes

• “This is what a cat would do if it became human.”
• “This soundtrack is disturbingly awful.  It is way too distracting.”

Things We Learned

• Cats can resuscitate dead people.
• Being resuscitated by a cat makes you a phenomenal basketball player.
• Catwoman has the worst soundtrack.  Of all time.
• Nobody looks twice at you when you walk into a club with a cat mask on.
• Skinny people can slip right out of jail cells.

Final Take:

Date Watched: 6/25/15

Starring: Adrian Paul, Richard Grieco

Plot: A group of refugees from Earth work to survive on a hostile alien planet.

Rules

• Unspecial effects
• Predator cliches (including invisible people)
• Picking up random people
• “Why should I follow you?”
• Canned sounds

Quotes

• “Couldn’t you find anything bigger?”  –  “It’s bigger than yours.”  –  “That’s what your momma said.”
• “Are you sure this water is safe?  Most of the water on Earth is polluted.”
• “But there’s only two of us, and you’re not my type.”
• “I’d be happy to assist by digging a grave for Hannah.”
• “If we’re going to save humanity, we’ve got to stay human.  We’re going to bury her.”
• “Why should I follow you?”

Viewer Quotes

• “Apparently they found a woman.”
• “That’s why you can never trust short people.”

What We Learned

• When you crash-land on an alien world, rub mud on your face.  It’s common knowledge.
• Signaling with two fingers means “When I duck, throw a knife in this guy’s face.”
• On alien worlds, you can go into nature to collect bottles of water from the trees.
• It’s a good idea to arm yourself with bows but no arrows.  You can find arrows just lying around.
• Real guns can be made to fire electrical pulses.

Final Take: That was basically a made for Sci Fi tv movie.  I remember liking the Highlander TV show back in the day that this Adrian Paul starred in, but he has literally done nothing since then.  Now he’s in this movie and I realize why.  I like living in a world where movies like this still get made, though.  You throw enough crap against the wall and eventually something will stick.  This one did not stick.  Back to the drawing board, Asylum.

Date Watched: 6/11/2015

Starring: Sherilynn Fenn, Lance Henriksen, Richard Norton, Chef

Plot: In an apocalyptic future, a man with extra-human powers goes on the run.

Rules

• “My Child”
• Visions or prophecies of the future.
• Mutant power usage
• Isaac Hayes

Quotes

• “Don’t say perfect.  Don’t tempt God to take him away.”
• “We have to share each other.  Share each other’s spaces.  Passing along our lineage, from loin to loin.”

Viewer Quotes

• “These sound effects are terrible.”
• “Is that a rubber band gun?  Have to get up close with a rubber band gun.”
• “Whoa – she’s a Palpatine!”
• “Come on Movie – give us something here.”
• “It could be nothing more than a freak’s wet dream, but I need to know.”

Things We Learned

• “Don’t be afraid, child” is a good phrase to use to make people feel comfortable when you first meet them.
• Mutant healing powers also wash blood off your skin, cleaning you up real nice.
• It’s pretty easy to switch your car to solar.

Final Take: Pretty boring movie.  Some OK scenes, but we totally lost interest midway through.  You’d think a movie about mutants with super-powers would be a little more interesting.  Turns out no.