Bad Movie Thursday

Watched: 7/14/2016

Starring:  Lance Henriksen

Plot: A group of grad students have booked passage on the crabbing boat Harbinger to study the effects of global warming on a pod of Belugas in the Bering Sea. When the ship’s crew dredges up a recently thawed piece of old Soviet space wreckage, things get downright deadly. It seems that the Russians experimented with tardigrades, tiny resilient animals able to withstand the extremes of space radiation. The creatures survived, but not without mutation. Now the crew is exposed to aggressively mutating organisms. And after being locked in ice for 3 decades, the creatures aren’t about to give up the warmth of human companionship. (via imdb)

Rules

• Monster tentacles
• Freezing stuff
• Translating Russian
• Professor douchebag acting like a douchebag.
• Say “Tardigrade” or “Water Bear”
• We see the Russian character’s crazy eyes

Quotes

“Are you all the way from Russia?”  “All the way?  It’s right there.  I can see Alaska from my house.”

“Is this because of our space man?”

“We’re going to to need a bigger bucket.”

Viewer Quotes

“Did we figure out why Macy Gray is on the boat?”

“Too many glory holes for a man to get stuck in.”

What We Learned

•  If you’ve lived on the sea, you’ve earned the nickname “Doc”
• Freeze melts, fire is forever.
• Men can’t fit down in the hull of the boat for some reason.
• Crashing a boat into an iceberg will kill a parasitic organism that can  live in space or frozen for decades in ice.

Final Take

Not terrible.  It was refreshing to see a recent movie that didn’t rely on terrible CGI for effects.  They weren’t the best effects, but similar enough to good 80’s creature movies like The Thing, Leviathan, Deep Star Six, etc, to make this one enjoyable.  It had the requisite cliche characters, but overall worth watching.

Viewing Date: 5/26/16

Plot:Rufus, Darwin, and Coopersmith are three nerdy, but hunky young college students who score themselves a dream summer job working at a swanky mansion owned by wealthy and sexy middle-aged babes Clara, Victoria, and Edwina. However, the gals turn out to be a coven of deadly witches who transform into flesh-eating cougars who need fresh young man meat in order to live forever.

Starring: A whole lot of nobody

Rules:

• Drinking wine
• Turning into cougars
• Snarling noises
• Guys rubbing themselves / looped footage
• Walking around in circles / witch rituals
• xylophone music

Quotes:

“Gift horses don’t eat people.”

“I guess Coopersmith didn’t tell you a lot of things.”

Viewer Quotes:

“There sure are lot of looped scenes of shirtless guys touching themselves.”

“It’s all rules and nothing else.”

What We Learned:

Do not watch.  This is one of the worst movies (not in a good way) that we’ve ever encountered on bad movie Thursday.  We only stuck with it because it was so short.  I’m not even sure who the target audience of the movie was supposed to be.   It was like a poorly acted porn with no nudity.  Avoid at all costs.

Date Watched: 3/10/2016

Plot: Set during the time of the first outbreak of bubonic plague in England, a young monk is given the task of learning the truth about reports of people being brought back to life in a small village.

Rules

• References to the plague or “pestilence”
• Talk about the French
• Necromancing
• References to Christianity

Quotes

• “God has better things to think of.”
• “I will fight Ulric for the right to die first.”
• “I look forward to shagging your mother’s ass in hell.”
• “People need miracles, and they worship their miracle makers.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Don’t trust anyone who seems super sure about hearing God’s guidance.”
• “The French should die…painfully.”
• “He bit his ear off…that’s worth a drink.”
• “Yeah, draw and quarter them…cool.”

What We Learned

• Religion makes people crazy.
• Pustules aren’t cool, not in the least.
• I’m really thankful to live now and not then.

Final Take: This movie was better than I thought it would be, but unfortunately that doesn’t make it a good Bad Movie Thursday type of movie.  It took itself too seriously, but on the other hand the over-the-top gore in some scenes nearly saved it.  I can’t recommend it as a good movie to make fun of with beers and buddies, but you could probably have an OK time watching when there’s nothing else jumping out at you on Netflix.

Viewing Date: 12/10/2015

Summary:  New kid in town Brodie and bad-boy Zakk quickly bond over their mutual admiration of heavy metal. But when these two metal thrashing losers unwittingly summon malevolent forces, their dreams of stardom may just have to be put on hold.(via Rotten Tomatoes)

Starring: Some Kiwis

Rules

• Every time someone visualizes themselves as a rock star
• Hand drawn air graphics
• 80’s music references
• Decapitations
• Blood spraying out of stuff.
• “Brutal”

Quotes

• “Dude, what the hell? It’s a fucking Rick Astley record!”
• “Does anybody want something from the shop?” – “Gold Bond (?), Vaseline, jumper cables and amonium nitrate.” “I don’t think they sell that combination of things.”
• “Should we check his pulse?” – “He has a fucking engine for a head.  Don’t think he’s going to be walking this one off.”
• “Wait, 3 AM pacific or eastern?  Do demons recognize daylight savings?”
• “You’re pretty good at whacking guys off, bro.”
• “I expected this…he’s chaotic neutral and you’re lawful good.”
• “Damn.  I can’t tell if I have a fear boner or a boner boner.”
• “If we soil our pants, do you think they’ll let us go?” – “I guess we’ll find out soon!”
• “Which one of you wants to be skull-fucked first?” – “Not me.  I need my skull for exams.”

Viewer Quotes

• “They have dildos everywhere!”

What We Learned

• Demons make you shit blood.
• In New Zealand you wash your face in a trough of water.
• Dildos are good weapons against demons.

Final Take

Pretty damn good.  Over the top violence without really any CGI, which is a nice change these days.  Funny, and had some T&A sprinkled in there.  I might have to watch it again, if only to make sense of the garbled New Zealanders.

Date Watched: 8/13/15

Starring: Halle Berry

Plot: A shy woman, endowed with the speed, reflexes, and senses of a cat, walks a thin line between criminal and hero, even as a detective doggedly pursues her, fascinated by both of her personas.

Rules

• Halle Berry acting out cat stereotypes
• Bad cat puns
• Flashing eyes
• “Mau”
• “Midnight”
• Terrible CGI

Quotes

• “They say she jumps around like a cat.  What should we call her?  Cat Chick?  No, Cat Broad.”
• “You are Patience…and you are Catwoman.”
• “Resist the urge to date woman born the same day they invented the cell phone.”
• “Game over.” – “Guess what?  It’s overtime!”

Viewer Quotes

• “This is what a cat would do if it became human.”
• “This soundtrack is disturbingly awful.  It is way too distracting.”

Things We Learned

• Cats can resuscitate dead people.
• Being resuscitated by a cat makes you a phenomenal basketball player.
• Catwoman has the worst soundtrack.  Of all time.
• Nobody looks twice at you when you walk into a club with a cat mask on.
• Skinny people can slip right out of jail cells.

Final Take: