Plot: Mistaken for his character Ash from the ‘Evil Dead’ trilogy, Bruce Campbell is forced to fight a real monster in a small Oregon town. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Say “Bruce Campbell”
References to old Bruce movies
Say “Quan Di”
Quotes:
“I love beer”
“Light me, don’t fight me”
“Liquor please!”
“Oh hey, a MILF is a MILF”
“Sleep with the scorpions, bitch!”
Viewer Quotes:
“Did Bruce Campbell write this for himself?”
“Is this movie just a rip-off of Three Amigos?”
Things We Learned:
In Oregon people are always eating bean curd.
Final Take:
This was a mixed bag. There’s definitely some funny parts, and Bruce Campbell is endlessly watchable, but it’s really hit or miss. If you like BC, then you’ll likely find this enjoyable if not memorable. For anyone else, I’d likely skip it.
Starring: Kevin Sorbo and Danny Trejo and a little bit of Jason Mewes (who must have lost a bet)
Plot: A man returns to California to be a pool cleaner after an eternity of fighting in Vietnam. But it’s been taken over by Mexicans and one of them murdered his family. He settles it the only way he knows. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Say “Poolboy”
Filmmaker narration scenes
Kevin Sorbo saying terrible stuff
Quotes:
“Maybe I’ll dress up as a scarecrow and watch you sleep with my wife”
‘It’s just… f*ck you Alexander Graham Bell.”
“What did you bring me his arm for anyway? You should have brought me his d*ck.”
“Why are you making mashed potatoes with dildos?”
“I don’t want to die in stock footage?”
“I sh*t enchiladas and piss Horchata.”
“I could buttplug a double quarter pounder right now.”
Viewer Quotes:
“What is this f*cking movie?”
“What is going on here?”
“Is Kevin Sorbo 69ing a blow-up doll?”
Things We Learned:
Will Smith made Pat Morita die in real life.
You can get a handjob from a clown… and it’s a sexual awakening.
Wang Chung will license Dance Hall Days for any purpose… including this movie.
Final Take:
This movie is purposely terrible. The acting, plot, etc. is awful. That part mostly works and is generally funny. It also ventures into being so racist and offensive that it tries to become satire, which is a harder needle to thread. Its relentless offensiveness will be off-putting for most audiences, and it becomes tedious and too much at times. (Especially so the lines delivered by Sorbo. I don’t know how to accurately describe him with his terrible hot takes, but I just saw him called an “underemployed crabapple”, so let’s go with that.)
I would be curious to know what Danny Trejo thinks about Poolboy today. He’s a hugely likeable star and seemingly a good dude too. On the other hand, he probably doesn’t give too sh*ts about this movie or even remembers it out of the hundreds he’s made.
Some funny stuff. Some overly offensive and tedious stuff. Proceed at your own peril.
Starring: Y.K Kim, Vincent Hirsch, Joseph Diamand, Maurice Smith
Plot: The year is 1987. Motorcycle ninjas tighten their grip on Florida’s narcotics trade, viciously annihilating anyone who dares move in on their turf. Multi-national martial arts rock band Dragon Sound have had enough, and embark on a roundhouse wreck-wave of crime-crushing justice. When not chasing beach bunnies or performing their hit song “Against the Ninja,” Mark (taekwondo master/inspirational speaker Y.K. Kim) and the boys are kicking and chopping at the drug world’s smelliest underbelly. It’ll take every ounce of their blood and courage, but Dragon Sound can’t stop until they’ve completely destroyed the dealers, the drunk bikers, the kill-crazy ninjas, the middle-aged thugs, the “stupid cocaine”…and the entire MIAMI CONNECTION!! (via IMDB)
“They don’t make buns like those down at the bakery.”
(Song lyrics): “Bikers by day, Ninjas by night- Steal your cocaine, steal your life!”
(Song lyrics): “Friends through eternity, loyalty, honesty. We’ll stay together through thick or thin. Friends forever we’ll be together. We’re on top ’cause we play to win!!!”
“I didn’t know you had a father, I thought we were all orphans”
(Viewer quote): “You don’t take off the hood- it’s like a clan rally.”
What We Learned
University of Central Florida is a hotbed for ninjas
Music venues in Orlando have a limit of only one martial-arts-themed-band.
The correct ratio of girlfriends to band members is 1:4
Ninjas on motorcycles can’t be stopped.
After hours at the gym consists of full contact Taekwondo in the dark, while wearing jeans
White ninja robe = master
If a friend has an unexpected and important life event, you are required to pool all of your money to buy him a suit.
Don’t dine and dash if the restaurant owner is a Taekwondo master.
U-Haul blankets are all you need for your bed if you’re a martial artist/rock star/college kid on a budget.
Final Take
I’m pretty sure we watched this at some point over the last 20 year, but we couldn’t find any record of it on the blog or pre-blog journal (lip log), so here we go again!
This is some quintessential Bad Movie Thursday stuff- a cult classic with a well earned reputation for absolute ridiculousness top to bottom. Where to start? We’re not even sure what the Miami Connection refers to. The movie takes place in Orlando, and the opening sequence of cocaine-stealing ninjas was the only part to take place in Miami. Why are the ninjas stealing cocaine? Well, to fund their ambiguous crime network of course! And the entire downfall of this criminal empire was caused by one member’s dislike for his college student sister’s boyfriend (who is actually a pretty wholesome guy). And let’s talk about the four “friends” the film centers around. Did they all grow up as orphans together? Maybe??? But they are roommates, bandmates, a taekwondo team, and most importantly, friends forever.
If I were to flag a single highlight of the movie, it is the phenomenal sound track and music performances in the movie. Dragon Sound deserves to be a real thing.
This is a great bad movie- definitely in the discussion to crack the top ten bad movies list.
“Time to get off the bench. Time to play offense!”
“Oops- air ball!”
What We Learned
A bathtub, door jamb and a bucket of rocks are all you need for a killer workout
A plastic bag is somehow a deadly weapon under water
There are a band of cybermonks in Rome that have been doing research for 500 years
Don’t use your son as a human shield and then be mad about it when he gets killed
Final Take
Some great action sequences with JCVD and interesting concepts about counter-intelligence and the ‘deep state’, but otherwise a silly plot, bad acting and a lot of mediocrity.
Double Team did capture some of the magic from JCVD’s glory days- the recovery training / escape plan montage in the Colony was a highlight, but otherwise nothing outstanding. The action scenes were especially long with lots of explosions and jumping / diving. There is a particularly odd sequence at the beginning of the movie where Jack Quinn (JCVD) and Stavros (Rourke) and battling it out in the Newborn Unit of a hospital. Not sure if the director thought that that would really raise the stakes of the battle (no adults / personnel / security / police to be found anywhere, just babies), but it was mostly just uncomfortable to watch.
It also felt like there was some kind of back story missing between JCVD and Rourke’s characters. Everything seemed to be personal, but not really explained, other than the involvement of Rourke’s family and their subsequent killing in the beginning of the movie (although Rourke seemed to know it was a trap).
As expected, Rodman is just a sidekick inserted for comic relief. His character is an international arms dealer that only cares for himself, but quickly reveals his heart of gold.
Standard Bad Movie Thursday fare here- you could certainly do worse when looking at the “late career” offerings from JCVD, Seagal, Dolph Lundgren, etc.
Bad Movie Thursday 