Archive Page 20

01
Apr
16

3 Headed Shark Attack (2015)

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Categories: Nudity, SciFi Channel and Uncategorized

3-Headed-Shark-Attack-2015

Plot: As a mutated, three-headed, great white shark eats its way from one end of the ship to the next, the passengers have to fight the deadly predator using anything they can find.

Starring: Danny Trejo, Rob Van Dam

Rules

  • Shark eating multiple rules at once.
  • “Garbage Patch”
  • Hot girls spewing scientific nonsense
  • External shots of the underwater facility
  • Creature vision swimming over the sand bar

Quotes

“How are the new kids?”  “He’s talking about her boobs” (viewer quote)

“I know what’s going on.  It’s being drawn in by the pollution of the larger vessel.  It’s driving it insane.”

Viewer Quotes

“Where are the fishermen?  Taking  a siesta?”

“I can’t believe Dr. Boobs went out like that.”

“These are the worst group of scientists since Denise Richards in the James Bond movie.”

What We Learned

  • Somehow, when you’re confronted with a 3 headed shark, you’re safer on a 25 foot boat than on dry land (an island).
  • Eating aluminum cans will make a shark insane (especially a 3 headed one).
  • Plastic lawn chairs can turn deadly when your booze cruise is attacked by a 3 headed shark.
  • In the world of “3 Headed Shark”, boats cannot get within 100 feet of the shore, forcing you to “swim for it”
  • A mutant 3 headed shark will grow more heads if existing heads are removed.
  • Sharks can make boats explode

 

11
Mar
16

Black Death

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Categories: Uncategorized

black_death

Date Watched: 3/10/2016

Plot: Set during the time of the first outbreak of bubonic plague in England, a young monk is given the task of learning the truth about reports of people being brought back to life in a small village.

Rules

  • References to the plague or “pestilence”
  • Talk about the French
  • Necromancing
  • References to Christianity

Quotes

  • “God has better things to think of.”
  • “I will fight Ulric for the right to die first.”
  • “I look forward to shagging your mother’s ass in hell.”
  • “People need miracles, and they worship their miracle makers.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Don’t trust anyone who seems super sure about hearing God’s guidance.”
  • “The French should die…painfully.”
  • “He bit his ear off…that’s worth a drink.”
  • “Yeah, draw and quarter them…cool.”

What We Learned

  • Religion makes people crazy.
  • Pustules aren’t cool, not in the least.
  • I’m really thankful to live now and not then.

Final Take: This movie was better than I thought it would be, but unfortunately that doesn’t make it a good Bad Movie Thursday type of movie.  It took itself too seriously, but on the other hand the over-the-top gore in some scenes nearly saved it.  I can’t recommend it as a good movie to make fun of with beers and buddies, but you could probably have an OK time watching when there’s nothing else jumping out at you on Netflix.

19
Feb
16

Outcast (2014)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Nic Cage, Ninjas and Washed up actors

outcastViewing Date: 2/28/16

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Hayden Christensen

Plot: When the heir of the Imperial throne becomes the target of an assassination by his despised older brother, the young prince must flee the kingdom and seek protection. His only hope for survival is a reluctant war-weary crusader named Jacob, who must overcome his own personal demons and rally the assistance of a mythical outlaw known as The White Ghost. Together they must fight side by side in an epic battle to return the prince to his rightful place on the throne (via IMDB).

Rules

  • Nic cage forgets his English accent
  • Drunk / drug vision
  • When Hayden learns that opium is not the answer and throws his stash away.
  • “White Ghost”
  • “Black Guards”

Quotes

“Black guards are as thick as flies on a farting ghosts ass here because of you!”

“(indecipherable mumbling), this is MY medicine!”

“I’m a simple man- easily bedazzled by swift-talking, young princes.”

Viewer Quotes

“The mitoclorians are strong with this one”

“All I want to know is where the hell is Nic Cage?”

“Does he need to pay the ghost?”

What We Learned

  • Nic Cage can’t do an English accent
  • Hayden Christensen still makes movies (but not very many)
29
Jan
16

Pay The Ghost (2015)

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Categories: Creepy Kids, Ghosts, Nic Cage and Uncategorized

pay-the-ghost-2

Viewing Date: 1/28/16

Summary:  One year after his young son disappeared during a Halloween carnival, Mike Cole is haunted by eerie images and terrifying messages he can’t explain. Together with his estranged wife, he will stop at nothing to unravel the mystery and find their son – and, in doing so, he unearths a legend that refuses to remain buried in the past. Via RottenTomatoes

Starring: Nic Cage

Rules

  • The vulture
  • “Pay the Ghost” (standing house rule when title is spoken in movie)
  • Jump scares
  • Advanced Rule: “Charlie”

Quotes

  • “Pay the ghost.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “He should have to kidnap a kid to replace his son and ‘pay the ghost.'”

What We Learned

  • Never take your child to a festival on Halloween.

Final Take

11
Dec
15

Deathgasm

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Categories: Uncategorized

Deathgasm

Viewing Date: 12/10/2015

Summary:  New kid in town Brodie and bad-boy Zakk quickly bond over their mutual admiration of heavy metal. But when these two metal thrashing losers unwittingly summon malevolent forces, their dreams of stardom may just have to be put on hold.(via Rotten Tomatoes)

Starring: Some Kiwis

Rules

  • Every time someone visualizes themselves as a rock star
  • Hand drawn air graphics
  • 80’s music references
  • Decapitations
  • Blood spraying out of stuff.
  • “Brutal”

Quotes

  • “Dude, what the hell? It’s a fucking Rick Astley record!”
  • “Does anybody want something from the shop?” – “Gold Bond (?), Vaseline, jumper cables and amonium nitrate.” “I don’t think they sell that combination of things.”
  • “Should we check his pulse?” – “He has a fucking engine for a head.  Don’t think he’s going to be walking this one off.”
  • “Wait, 3 AM pacific or eastern?  Do demons recognize daylight savings?”
  • “You’re pretty good at whacking guys off, bro.”
  • “I expected this…he’s chaotic neutral and you’re lawful good.”
  • “Damn.  I can’t tell if I have a fear boner or a boner boner.”
  • “If we soil our pants, do you think they’ll let us go?” – “I guess we’ll find out soon!”
  • “Which one of you wants to be skull-fucked first?” – “Not me.  I need my skull for exams.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “They have dildos everywhere!”

What We Learned

  • Demons make you shit blood.
  • In New Zealand you wash your face in a trough of water.
  • Dildos are good weapons against demons.

Final Take

Pretty damn good.  Over the top violence without really any CGI, which is a nice change these days.  Funny, and had some T&A sprinkled in there.  I might have to watch it again, if only to make sense of the garbled New Zealanders.

16
Oct
15

Attila (2013)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad CGI, Gratuitous Violence and Zombies

attila_theatrical_poster-lowres

Viewing Date: 10/15/2015

Summary: When American soldiers inadvertently steal Attila the Hun’s secret riches, the wrath of the barbarian is awakened; the mummified warrior will stop at nothing to kill the intruders. (via IMDB)

Starring: No one worth mentioning

Rules

  • Crazy scientist chews on a puzzle piece
  • “Staff” or “Stick”
  • Zombie monster kills somebody
  • Someone ineffectively tries to shoot zombie monster

 

Quotes

“You can pry it off, fry it off, or fuck it off.”

“It was stolen from our lab at zero-twelve-hundred hours.”  (zero-twelve-hundred?!)

“Bulldog, are you dead?”  “No Sir.”

Viewer Quotes

“Are these guys the A Team?”  “More like the C team.”

“Hamilton-esque hiccups!”

What We Learned

  • The holy grail was obtained during WWII
  • Nothing can kill the zombie monster and the only thing that can slow it down is karate.
  • The filmmakers seemed to think this movie is good enough to set up sequels
  • There is no purpose to the zombie monster except for murderous rampage
  • The reincarnated son of Attila the Hun has a burned up face, but the rest of his body is fine.

Final Take

Ehh…  The movie didn’t really make sense.  It was a stereotypical movie about an unstoppable monster that an elite (?) squad of soldiers have to take down.  They are all killed, and the general was behind it and had a secret agenda.  We’re still not sure why the zombie was killing everyone…  Skip this one.

04
Sep
15

Left Behind: World at War

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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags:

LeftBehind_WorldAtWar

Date Watched: 9/3/2015

Starring: Kirk Cameron, Louis Gossett Jr, BJ

Plot: The world falls into chaos as Nicolae Carpathia detonates nuclear devices across the globe and stages multiple devastating attacks against both the Tribulation Force and an international militia, led by U.S. President Gerald Fitzhugh.

Rules

  • “God”
  • “Jesus”
  • “Christian”
  • “Bible”
  • “Buck”

Quotes

  • “We really need to keep our faith in times like these.  Sometimes it’s all we have.”
  • “Remember what Bruce told us on our wedding day.  We can’t die until God says it’s time.”
  • “That’s not humanly possible… is it?”
  • “Why did you let this happen, God?  What did I do?  Is this some kind of a game?  A test?”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Louis Gossett Jr. believes in Christ, so obviously he is an officer and a Gentleman.”
  • “Man, her hair is in the past.”
  • “I like how the germs are green smoke.”  –  “Is the hobgoblin going into those bibles?”
  • “I wish Obama was that kind of president… carrying out secret missions on his own.”
  • “You know what would be fun, him (Kirk Cameron) and Tom Cruise in a war of words.”
  • “I hope this is the last movie.  This is like ending Star Wars at Empire Strikes Back.”
  • “That guy has been dying for like, an hour. Just jibber-jabbering.”

What We Learned

  • The president spends his time personally interrogating people.
  • The president hides in trunks to escape the white house for no reason.
  • Germs are spread in clouds of dark green smoke.
  • The president prefers to work alone, sans secret service.
  • The president is one of God’s chosen warriors.
  • God can make you invisible.

Final Take:

14
Aug
15

Catwoman

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Categories: Uncategorized

catwoman

Date Watched: 8/13/15

Starring: Halle Berry

Plot: A shy woman, endowed with the speed, reflexes, and senses of a cat, walks a thin line between criminal and hero, even as a detective doggedly pursues her, fascinated by both of her personas.

Rules

  • Halle Berry acting out cat stereotypes
  • Bad cat puns
  • Flashing eyes
  • “Mau”
  • “Midnight”
  • Terrible CGI

Quotes

  • “They say she jumps around like a cat.  What should we call her?  Cat Chick?  No, Cat Broad.”
  • “You are Patience…and you are Catwoman.”
  • “Resist the urge to date woman born the same day they invented the cell phone.”
  • “Game over.” – “Guess what?  It’s overtime!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This is what a cat would do if it became human.”
  • “This soundtrack is disturbingly awful.  It is way too distracting.”

Things We Learned

  • Cats can resuscitate dead people.
  • Being resuscitated by a cat makes you a phenomenal basketball player.
  • Catwoman has the worst soundtrack.  Of all time.
  • Nobody looks twice at you when you walk into a club with a cat mask on.
  • Skinny people can slip right out of jail cells.

Final Take:

24
Jul
15

Big Ass Spider

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Categories: Aliens and Bad CGI

bigassspider

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Viewing Date: 7/23/2015

Starring:  Greg Grunberg (from Heroes!), Lin Shaye

Plot

A giant alien spider escapes from a military lab and rampage the city of Los Angeles. When a massive military strike fails, it is up to a team of scientists and one clever exterminator to kill the creature before the city is destroyed. (IMDB)

Rules

  • Spider bites
  • Say “spider”
  • Main character (Alex) hits on a girl
  • Alex hits toy on back of his truck
  • Say “Stage 5”

Quotes

“Like the living dead?”  “No Jose.” “But I like those movies.”

“Did you see the arachnid?”  “I don’t know what you said- I like your pipe.”

“What I saw was 20 inches and black.”  “Oh..  Sounds funny.”

“So we got to shoot the spider in the butt….”

“I’ll see you in hell!!!”

Viewer Quotes

(none- sorry.  This is for us.)

What We Learned

  • Big spiders cause power fluctuations
  • Spiders like shiny objects
    • But it is only to catch bums
  • You kill spiders by shooting them in the butt
  • You don’t have to worry about the alien baby spiders that just hatched.  I’m sure it will be just fine.  Congratulations everyone.

Final Take

Not too bad.  We don’t think it was worthy of the 4.5+ stars on Netflix, but it was an above average bad movie.  Even though he was the stereotypical comic relief, the clear highlight of the move was the sidekick Jose.  He had all the best lines and was the best thing the movie had going.  Of course for a movie like this this you aren’t going to get too caught up with the relationship development or the military response to a crisis of this magnitude, but they could have tried just a little harder.

03
Jul
15

Leprechaun: Origins

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Murdered teenagers, Spin-off or sequel and Uncategorized

LeprechaunOrigins_Poster

Viewing Date: 7/2/2015

Starring: Dylan “Hornswaggle” Postl

Plot: Two young couples backpacking through Ireland discover that one of Ireland’s most famous legends is a terrifying reality. (IMDB)

Rules

  • Leprechauns steal gold
  • Say “Leprechaun”
  • Creature vision (house rule, but needs to be observed)

Quotes

“Maybe they’ve earned their freedom, Da.”

“F#ck you, lucky charms!”

Viewer Quotes

“He was pretty spineless anyway!”

“She had a real ax to grind with her friend!”  “Mike, no.”

What We Learned

  • Leprechauns growl like tigers
  • Leprechauns see in infra-red / heat signatures
  • Barakka from Mortal Kombat is, in fact, a leprechaun

Final Take

Horrible.  Horrible.  Horrible.

This movie had nothing to do with the original Leprechaun movies- it wasn’t fun in any way, it was just was a generic movie about a feral creature that somehow required human sacrifices.  Avoid at all costs.

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