Plot: The young Nina really just wants to celebrate her 19th birthday, but instead of party without end she is confronted with a terrible fate: She finds out that she is the descendant of the Byzantine ruler Justinian. The problem with this is the fact that the old Roman Fiesling has given his later descendant a cruel curse that will wipe out all humanity.
Rules
“Book of Fire” (just restating the house rule)
Cameos
Pitcher drinking
Fire or blood coming out of appliances
Walking through smoke
Otherworldly music (subtitles required)
Quotes
“There’s only 3 holes, what’ll I do?”
What We Learned
Justice came from the emperor Justinian, before he became evil.
Justinian was the father of the Black Plague
The Black Plague came from the Book of Fire
Special effects wizards can’t make good movies
Final Take
What do you get when a talented special effects artist thinks they can do everything else required to make a movie? This pile of garbage- but at least the effects are good!
Plot: The zany “stewdents” at a wacky flight attendants’ school have all sorts of wild and crazy high-flying adventures in this ’80s comedy. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Wings
See the main character’s stupid glasses or references to poor vision
Slapstick crap
Quotes:
“You assholes just wiped out half of Los Angeles.”
After farting… “Man, I just got to lay off that pork fried rice.”
“How’d you like me to pull that little wee-wee off.”
“Do you want to play hide the salami?” After getting punched… “I guess a BJ is out of the question?”
“Fasten your seat belt, are you blind.” This was said to a group of blind people.
“BJ is two words.”
Viewer Quotes:
“It’s time for her to do her hair for her hat.”
“This is so stupid.”
About the guy wigging out… “That looks like me on a SW flight.”
Things We Learned:
The best way to get up a big stairway is by motorcycle.
They had sundae bars on airplanes in the 80’s.
The best way to stop a bomb on a plane is an ass.
Stewardesses have to go to school.
Final Take:
It feels like there was an Executive pitch meeting with an idea to combine Police Academy and Airplane! and make a movie. Deciding that this was a great idea, they started shooting the next day with any 80’s actors that happened to be around the studio. I have to say that they were right! This is a great piece of cinema. I thoroughly enjoyed the tremendous cast of random 80’s actors and slapstick stupidity.
Plot: In order to rescue the son of a diplomat who has been kidnapped by terrorists, a group of Las Vegas showgirls undergo commando training and organize a rescue operation. (From IMDB)
Rules:
“Ultra Neutron Bomb” or “UN Bomb”
Headbands and leg warmers
Taking bubble baths
Boom Mic showing on camera
Quotes:
“We have less than 10 days to transform you from Las Vegas showgirls into elite commandos.”
“Listen, we’ve raided and killed dozens of Arabs and none of them seem to be terrorists.”
“No, this isn’t a public expedition. They didn’t tattoo it on my ass.”
Viewer Quotes:
“Are we drinking for all these headbands?”
“I expected them to be in the tub after all that.”
“Wow! Did they just fully Scooby Doo this?”
Things We Learned:
The best plan to rescue an abducted ambassador’s son is to train up an elite force of show girls.
Training an elite force of showgirls into elite commandos takes about 10 days.
Driving and operating a tank takes no training at all.
Final Take:
This was an interesting movie. It had the feel of a low-budget A Team episode written in 15 minutes, with some key plot points filled in mad-lib style. It was kind of a lot to take in when you really try to wrap your head around what actually happened. But in Bad Movie Thursday terms it was a pretty entertaining watch, and a lot of the rules really worked out pretty well. Just don’t overthink the why’s or how’s of what’s supposed to be happening and enjoy the weird trip.
Starring: Corey Feldman, Rutger Hauer, Malcolm McDowell, Dean Jagger
Plot: Set in a bloodthirsty Los Angeles, California, rogue detective Corbin Nash’s (Dean Jagger’s) obsessive search for the truth behind his parents’ murders leads him to confront a monstrous duo of Queeny (Corey Feldman) and Vince (Richard Wagner), who drag him into a Hellish nightmare for which he was never prepared. Lost to an underworld of horrors dating back to the dawn of time, he soon discovers that he is actually the last surviving member of the Nash family, a historic clan of demon hunters. As he is forced to acknowledge a foreboding destiny, he is attacked and brutally left for dead, only to be recovered by Macy (Fernanda Romero), a pure soul who is led by the mysterious Blind Prophet (Malcolm McDowell). At last, Detective Nash is reborn the ultimate killer. Seeking vengeance, he wages a violent war on the beasts that roam the darkness of this world, finally embracing his true legacy – Corbin Nash, Demon Hunter. (via IMDB)
Rules
Angels and Demons
Religious iconography
Cringeworthy
Flashbacks
Quotes
“Speak to the blind man. He sees everything.”
“These demons are as old fashioned as hell”
Viewer Quotes
“I knew it would be worth it saving you and turning you into a vampire!”
What We Learned
There is a vampire fight club in LA and the mats are made of human skin.
Being a baseball player is a good cover.
Final Take
Yes, we have pretty low standards at Bad Movie Thursday, that’s the point- but this Blade rip-off still might have been passed over if not for a co-starring role of BMT regular Corey Feldman as a transvestite Vampire. The movie overall was generic and forgettable- again, a Blade rip off with more nudity and arguably more ‘gritty’ and dark. Don’t interpret that for a ringing endorsement though…
But the scenes with Corey were so over the top and bizarre, it made the rest of the movie bearable. The cameos by Rutger Hauer and Malcolm McDowell were also, in their own way entertaining (hilarious dialogue from Macolm in particular). They teased a sequel to this movie, but unless they resurrect Corey’s character, I think we’ll pass.
Starring: Dean “Eyebrows” Cameron, Amy Dolenz, Pat Morita
Plot
A down-on-his luck beach bum asks a cute female genie to help him seduce the woman of his dreams only to realize that he might be looking in the wrong place.
Rules
Genie granting wishes
Every time they say “genie”
Quotes
“I’m rehearsing for a mayonnaise commercial.”
What we learned:
All you really need is a good blanket.
Pat Morita is actually a fat white troll.
Final Take
This was a highly forgettable movie. If you’re expecting another Ski School, as we were, you will likely be sorely disappointed. It seemed like the kind of movie that was thrown together on two napkins by some coked-out Hollywood-adjacent c-listers. There was lots of T and A, though, so it’s got that going for it.
Starring: Paul Hogan, Linda Kozlowski, Jere Burns, cameo by Mike Tyson
Plot
From the opening shot of a Jurassic Park-esque reptilian eye, you know you are in for a wild ride. As Mick “Crocodile” Dundee sits in a canoe sharpening his famous knife, a monstrous croc hides somewhere in the deep. The croc suddenly attacks, tearing Mick’s boat to pieces and leaving him and mate Jacko up a tree. Life for Mick can only get easier, right? When Mick arrives at home, he discovers longtime companion Sue’s newspaper-mogul father has called, and needs her help on an article at the paper’s Los Angeles branch. Mick, who recognizes his importance in the modernizing bush is now no more than as a tourist attraction, agrees to join her, and together Mick, Sue and son Mikey head for Los Angeles. Here the adventure truly begins, as Mick and Jacko brave a cowboy bar where the horsemen are of a different color, and a Hollywood film party where everyone seems interested in Mick’s mate Malcolm “Mal” Gibson’s colorful exploits. Sue’s article soon leads to a sleazy film producer, so Mick gets a job as a monkey wrangler at his studio, where his investigation uncovers some very sketchy goings-on (via IMDB).
Rules
Australians not understanding modern culture
Fish out of water gags
Crocodile Dundee drives a Subaru Outback
References to previous CD movies
Women inexplicably attracted to Mick or his sidekick
Product placements
Quotes
“This is one of those soft tops…” “CAVE IN!”
“Man stuff, right?”
“…Built like a brick dunny.”
“Isn’t that the guy that had the skunk on the freeway?”
What we learned:
A skunk is “man stuff”
If you are Australian, you have animal whispering powers
Australians are somehow aware of, yet entirely shocked and impressed with, fast food drive thrus
The best way to smuggle priceless works of art is through an elaborate movie production, which films in two locations
If you are summoned to take a Newspaper job as a short term assignment, you get to live in a Beverly Hills mansion and must enroll your kid in school
Its easy to get a walk-on job as an extra in Hollywood, with opportunity for promotion to pet handler.
Final Take
Where do we start? Sad that the Crocodile Dundee franchise ended in such a pathetic money grab (I sure could go for some Wendy’s and a diet Pepsi!), when we all have such fond, nostalgic memories of the first two. This version seems to be targeted to children, with the accompanying plot and jokes you would expect. In the first one, it was largely believable that Mick wouldn’t understand a bidet, cocaine or some of the stranger aspects of city life, but he seems to not have learned anything through his life experiences. But somehow this still makes him as attractive and charming as ever to the ladies. Watch for the bizarre cameo by Mike Tyson, who teaches Mick and his son to meditate (for some reason) while hanging out in a park.
Starring: The Barbarian Brothers (David Paul and Peter Paul), Richard Lynch, Eva LaRue, Michael Berryman
Plot: Two twin barbarians seek revenge from the warlord who massacred their tribe and captured them when they were small children. (via IMDB)
Rules
Disfigured faces
Unnecessary feats of strength
Blue Filter
Actors we recognize
“Ruby” or any mention of “the stone”
Magic is used
Stupid Barbarian noises (you’ll know them when you hear them)
Viewer Quotes
“Its a drive-by knifing.”
“How do you eat when your mouth is sewn shut?”
“That one guy- he’s not a great actor.” “Which one?” “The dirtmaster.”
What We Learned
The strip club is a good place to buy weapons
You can check virginity status by sticking a ruby in someone’s belly button
You should stop juggling when being chased
Rubies contain the secret of music- and that is extremely valuable to evil warlords
You can’t outrun bandits in a circus wagon
Final Take
This was a fun throwback to the steroid-fueled 80’s fantasy genre, and an obvious attempt to cash in on the popularity of Conan the Barbarian. You get exactly what you expect with terrible dialogue and acting from the Barbarian Brothers. They are complete buffoons but somehow save the day simply through their incredible strength. Anyway, it is worth some laughs as the brothers go on some sort of adventure to save their former circus companion who has been imprisoned by an evil warlord who wants the magic ruby that contains the power of music and entertainment. Middle of the road bad movie overall.
Plot: A group of teenagers at a party find themselves being stalked by a maniacal killer in a Santa Claus costume.
Rules
Double Entendres
Innuendos
“Calvin”, saying it or references to the finishing school for girls
Scooby Doo noises
Quotes
“Come on, Einstein. Time for your advanced course in relativity.”
“If you raise a hand on one of these fillies, I’ll personally raise your voice another octave.”
Viewer Quotes
“It’s never ok to hold someone’s chin for this long. Not under any circumstances.”
What We Learned
God put us here to take care of the plants
College kids love drinking milk before bed.
When you put on a Santa murder mask you become super strong.
Drinking PBR will make Santa kill you.
Sorority house mothers are great at killing and cleaning up crime scenes.
Final Take
Pretty by-the-numbers slasher flick. Literally almost every trope of the genre was on display, but being from 1980 that probably wasn’t a thing at the time. Lots of plot holes, not great acting or dialogue, but not bad enough to really qualify for a Bad Movie Thursday recommendation. We only picked it because it had a Christmas theme, but it could barely qualify for even that. Not recommended.
Plot: On Halloween night, a serial killer returns from the dead to take revenge on the vigilantes who put him to death one year earlier.
Rules
Pumpkins
“Jack”
Old horror movie footage
Halloweenisms
Quotes
“Look down at me and you see a fool. Look up at me and you see a god. Look straight at me and you see yourself.”
“Life is just a dream for the dead.”
Viewer Quotes
“This is a Trump appointed judge.”
“This guy’s layering jackets. A fluffy vest over a puffy jacket.”
What We Learned
Life is just a dream for the dead.
Dripping blood on a grave will reanimate the dead.
A “prison purse” is a butt hole.
People trick or treat in the UK.
Final Take
This one was just OK. It wasn’t too funny, it was kind of hard to follow, and people were killing other people without any explanation as to why. The main villain was not too interesting or scary, either. It was the only Halloween movie we could find on short notice and it definitely was not very memorable. Won’t be watching the sequel any time soon.
Plot: A brilliant computer loner seizes Las Vegas and its terrorist attack, while fighting against his fits of clinical depression and obsession for romance and death.
Rules
Stock footage (expert rule)
Random human bones or skulls
Eating Tuna
Using laptops
Humble Brag / Aaron Brand (Breen) reminding us what a genius he is.
External exposition.
Blood vials
Quotes
“I’m an American! I’m an American! I love this country!”
“I eat tuna out of the can and live out of my car.”
“Electronic, satellite and computer skills….”
“Don’t ask how I found you. I know everything- more than the government knows.”
“That’s impossible, that can’t be…”
Viewer Quotes
“I’m drinking for the double butts.”
“Grandpa, do you want to be in a movie?”
What We Learned
You can steal a car with a cellphone- if you’re a super genius.
The best place to keep laptops is in the desert
There are Anthrax dealers
EVERYTHING is done electronically.
Neil Breen can cure cancer (or maybe it is the fool’s gold)
You get blood on your face when doing target practice
Final Take
Wow. This was a lot to unpack- and yet practically nothing. If it was possible for someone to rival the filmmaking madness of Tommy Wiseau (The Room), Neil Breen just might be the one. There really isn’t much in the way of a coherent plot- he is blackmailing governments so that he doesn’t unleash a biological attack on Las Vegas, or something. The movie continually goes back to similar scenes to Neil working on his multiple lap tops at a time, and he has a secret force fields, because… Just because.
There are several unrelated scenes and many characters that are only in one scene with no mention of them before or after. I don’t understand it, but then again I don’t understand how to control the stock market, control elections, or shut down power grids for entire city. These things are only understood by super geniuses like Neil Breen.
Bad Movie Thursday 