Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: Apr 17, 2025

Starring: Robert Davi, Robert Z’Dar, Caitlin Dulany, Jackie Earle Haley

Plot: A priest practicing the Voodoo arts resurrects Matt Cordell, who takes his badge and comes back from the dead to do his bidding. (via IMDB)

Rules

• Trash on the street
• “Maniac”, “Psycho”, “Crazy”
• “Cordell”
• Cop stereotypes, tropes or dialogue
• Scenes from the last movies
• Awesome stunts
• Baton twirling
• Voodoo

Quotes

• “At least he died with a smile on his face.”
• “He was huge and kind of scary looking so I followed him to the tunnels under the hospital.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Chopping a corpse’s head off I’m pretty sure is worse than a misdemeanor.”
• “Under the tunnels with Bob Marley?”
• “This is a crazy cast for Maniac Cop 3!”
• “What a piece of shit this guy is.”
• “That’s the big evolution of Maniac Cop. Now he kills people that deserve it.”
• “How’s he even seeing? His eyes must have melted by now.”

What We Learned

• Matt Cordell/Maniac Cop can push cars out of the way.
• Maniac Cop was a hopeless romantic.

Final Take

Apparently this movie was originally written with an entirely different main character and a different plot, but was recast and rewritten partly through filming. You can tell. Nothing about the plot makes any sense. There are actually quite a few recognizable actors in it, but most of them are killed off in the same scenes where they are introduced. You don’t know why the killer is killing people, or why he was resurrected in the first place. You’re just here for the ridiculous death scenes and the very enjoyable stunts. If that’s what you’re looking for, you can find it here. If you’re looking for a movie that makes any sense, keep looking.

Viewing Date: 3/6/2025

Starring: Holly Fields, Chris Weber, Al Foster

Plot

The evil Djinn is awakened once more, and must collect 1001 souls to begin the Apocalypse.(via IMDB)

Rules

• “Wish” (Advanced Rule)
• Weird transformations
• Taking the blue-line bus to prison.

Quotes

• “I only play for real.”
• “The young man who was shot? He had a regressive experience.”
• “What’s it going to take?” – “Your soul… and a pack of cigarettes.”
• “I was in a hole once for 3000 years. This should be a breeze.”
• “You’re a naughty little girl and daddy’s gotta teach you some respect.”

Viewer Quotes

• “What the hell? Does she have to witness all this terrible shit?”

What We Learned

• Don’t wish anything for yourself or you are f’ed.
• There’s a blue line bus that takes you from downtown straight to prison. And it’s fairly busy.
• You have to trap a Jinn in the space between worlds.
• Cutting your pinky off can purify your soul somehow.

Final Take

This movie wasn’t great. There were some decent practical effect scenes with some over-the-top gore, one memorable scene with a lawyer having to “Go F Himself”, and a lot of exposition and filler. The story doesn’t make sense, the characters aren’t likeable at all, and there’s also a suspicious amount of bible talk that comes across as almost a subliminal message. I have a feeling I’ll be reading this entry 4 years from now trying to remember if we’ve already watched this movie. If you’re reading this, future me, you have, and don’t subject yourself to it again.

Viewing Date: 1/8/26

Starring: Conor Sweeney, Adam Brooks, Kristy Wordsworth

Plot:

Workaholic yuppie Conor is in an existential rut until one night he catches a bizarre ad for a party hotline hosted by a strange dancing goblin: Frankie Freako. Could this be just the recipe to spice up his boring life? (via IMDB)

Rules

• “Frankie Freako”
• “Shabadoo”
• “Boink”
• Mechanical robot arms (is that redundant?
• A Freako says a pun

Quotes

• “That part where you were sweating and screaming the whole time”
• “I always knew this would happen…”
• “Concubine? What that is?”

Viewer Quotes

• “Is that a shoulder penis?”

What We Learned

• Fart soda can be used as gasoline
• If you keep giant jugs of glue in your home be careful- if it spills on you, you are stuck / trapped forever
• Destroying your house in the name of ‘loosening up’ is totally worth it
• Frankie Freako is a Christmas movie

Final Take

A lot of weird stuff going on here and it takes a while to get into the groove of the absurdity. Is this a drug induced hallucination for the main character? Is his manager at work a villain or friend? About mid way through it all starts to make sense by not making sense and was quite enjoyable. Even the “twist” payoff at the end works.

3.5/5 Fart Sodas

Viewing Date: 05/30/24

Starring: David Carradine, Sherilyn Fenn

Plot

Helen and Bone live in a repressive futuristic dystopian society they badly want to escape from. Mysterious Jason hires them to steal a disc for him. It’s practically a suicide mission, but he claims he can smuggle them out, in return.

Rules

• “Bone”
• Silly “futuristic” stuff that’s not at all futuristic.
• “Frodan”
• “Fuckups”

Quotes

• “I bet you’re still horny, subgrade. Show me your dick! … Is that your normal size? Not bad.”
• “My blazing balls.”
• “Plague zone isn’t contagious, Bone. Ask any whore.”
• “My only regret is that in my role as prosecutor, I’m not also allowed to act as executioner.”

Viewer Quotes

• “There are no holes in that pool table. And no cue ball. How are you supposed to play that?”

What We Learned

• Plague zone isn’t contagious.
• Frodan is a lie and nobody can pronounce it.

Final Take

This movie was trying to be too smart for its own good. It should have leaned more into the ridiculous premise and silly futuristic vibe, but it took itself too seriously and suffered for it. In the end it will only be remembered for a few stupid quotes and the names Helen and Bone which were repeated probably 1000 times. I can’t say I recommend it.

Viewing Date: 04/04/24

Starring: Jeffrey Combs, Barbara Crampton

Plot

A group of scientists have developed the Resonator, a machine which allows whoever is within range to see beyond normal perceptible reality. But when the experiment succeeds, they are immediately attacked by terrible life forms.

Rules

• Practical Effects
• Use of or mention of the “Resonator”
• Crazy people doing crazy things
• Signs of the devil
• “Pineal” or pineal vision

Quotes

• “It ate him. Bit off his head… like a gingerbread man.”
• “How about the hard-on I got, is there a statistical correlation for that too?”
• “Were we in the same nightmare. Did we all just get eaten by it?”

Viewer Quotes

• “How long have you guys been sitting there watching me?”
• “Maybe let’s smash the machine up now and never talk of it again.”
• “I feel like I’m watching a Simpsons episode.”
• “Do you guys like M & M’s?”
• “Two guys in a weird wet bag.”

What We Learned

• Fire extinguishers can destroy resonators and dismiss demons from other realms.
• An enlarged pineal gland causes an unquenchable hunger for human brains.
• Crime scene procedure is mainly just putting down a chalk outline and calling it a day.

Final Take

This was a memorable one. The gratuitous use of practical special effects was nice, but you have to strap in and prepare yourself for some gruesome and shocking crap. It was fun, though, and along the same lines of Evil Dead. If that’s your thing then you probably will get a kick out of this one.

Viewing Date: 2/1/2024

Starring: Miles O’Keeffe

Plot

Ator and his brother are separated as children by the evil witch Phaedra. 18 years later she takes over the kingdom with the help of a masked warrior. Ator and Princess Janna prepare for the final fight. 

Rules

• “Trogar”
• Mirrors
• Fur balls
• Quick cut magic/ editing mistakes
• Indiana Jones references

Quotes

• “Princess Janna: But what if they kill you? Ator: Then I’d be dead. But they won’t.

Viewer Quotes

• “They should know that when you get on a rope bridge, this is what happens.”
• “Jesus. There’s still 40 minutes left of this movie.”
• “I’m just admiring his pants.”
• “This is the dance of the swords.”
• “That’s just how I would start a sword fight. You jump. Touch swords. The fight begins!”
• “So. Many. Sword fights.”

What We Learned

• When two boulder collide, they explode.

Final Take

This movie was nonsensical. And way too long, despite only being 1 hr 27 minutes. But the location was scenic (filmed in Malta).