Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: 1/8/26

Starring: Conor Sweeney, Adam Brooks, Kristy Wordsworth

Plot:

Workaholic yuppie Conor is in an existential rut until one night he catches a bizarre ad for a party hotline hosted by a strange dancing goblin: Frankie Freako. Could this be just the recipe to spice up his boring life? (via IMDB)

Rules

• “Frankie Freako”
• “Shabadoo”
• “Boink”
• Mechanical robot arms (is that redundant?
• A Freako says a pun

Quotes

• “That part where you were sweating and screaming the whole time”
• “I always knew this would happen…”
• “Concubine? What that is?”

Viewer Quotes

• “Is that a shoulder penis?”

What We Learned

• Fart soda can be used as gasoline
• If you keep giant jugs of glue in your home be careful- if it spills on you, you are stuck / trapped forever
• Destroying your house in the name of ‘loosening up’ is totally worth it
• Frankie Freako is a Christmas movie

Final Take

A lot of weird stuff going on here and it takes a while to get into the groove of the absurdity. Is this a drug induced hallucination for the main character? Is his manager at work a villain or friend? About mid way through it all starts to make sense by not making sense and was quite enjoyable. Even the “twist” payoff at the end works.

3.5/5 Fart Sodas

Viewing Date: 05/30/24

Starring: David Carradine, Sherilyn Fenn

Plot

Helen and Bone live in a repressive futuristic dystopian society they badly want to escape from. Mysterious Jason hires them to steal a disc for him. It’s practically a suicide mission, but he claims he can smuggle them out, in return.

Rules

• “Bone”
• Silly “futuristic” stuff that’s not at all futuristic.
• “Frodan”
• “Fuckups”

Quotes

• “I bet you’re still horny, subgrade. Show me your dick! … Is that your normal size? Not bad.”
• “My blazing balls.”
• “Plague zone isn’t contagious, Bone. Ask any whore.”
• “My only regret is that in my role as prosecutor, I’m not also allowed to act as executioner.”

Viewer Quotes

• “There are no holes in that pool table. And no cue ball. How are you supposed to play that?”

What We Learned

• Plague zone isn’t contagious.
• Frodan is a lie and nobody can pronounce it.

Final Take

This movie was trying to be too smart for its own good. It should have leaned more into the ridiculous premise and silly futuristic vibe, but it took itself too seriously and suffered for it. In the end it will only be remembered for a few stupid quotes and the names Helen and Bone which were repeated probably 1000 times. I can’t say I recommend it.

Viewing Date: 04/04/24

Starring: Jeffrey Combs, Barbara Crampton

Plot

A group of scientists have developed the Resonator, a machine which allows whoever is within range to see beyond normal perceptible reality. But when the experiment succeeds, they are immediately attacked by terrible life forms.

Rules

• Practical Effects
• Use of or mention of the “Resonator”
• Crazy people doing crazy things
• Signs of the devil
• “Pineal” or pineal vision

Quotes

• “It ate him. Bit off his head… like a gingerbread man.”
• “How about the hard-on I got, is there a statistical correlation for that too?”
• “Were we in the same nightmare. Did we all just get eaten by it?”

Viewer Quotes

• “How long have you guys been sitting there watching me?”
• “Maybe let’s smash the machine up now and never talk of it again.”
• “I feel like I’m watching a Simpsons episode.”
• “Do you guys like M & M’s?”
• “Two guys in a weird wet bag.”

What We Learned

• Fire extinguishers can destroy resonators and dismiss demons from other realms.
• An enlarged pineal gland causes an unquenchable hunger for human brains.
• Crime scene procedure is mainly just putting down a chalk outline and calling it a day.

Final Take

This was a memorable one. The gratuitous use of practical special effects was nice, but you have to strap in and prepare yourself for some gruesome and shocking crap. It was fun, though, and along the same lines of Evil Dead. If that’s your thing then you probably will get a kick out of this one.

Viewing Date: 2/1/2024

Starring: Miles O’Keeffe

Plot

Ator and his brother are separated as children by the evil witch Phaedra. 18 years later she takes over the kingdom with the help of a masked warrior. Ator and Princess Janna prepare for the final fight. 

Rules

• “Trogar”
• Mirrors
• Fur balls
• Quick cut magic/ editing mistakes
• Indiana Jones references

Quotes

• “Princess Janna: But what if they kill you? Ator: Then I’d be dead. But they won’t.

Viewer Quotes

• “They should know that when you get on a rope bridge, this is what happens.”
• “Jesus. There’s still 40 minutes left of this movie.”
• “I’m just admiring his pants.”
• “This is the dance of the swords.”
• “That’s just how I would start a sword fight. You jump. Touch swords. The fight begins!”
• “So. Many. Sword fights.”

What We Learned

• When two boulder collide, they explode.

Final Take

This movie was nonsensical. And way too long, despite only being 1 hr 27 minutes. But the location was scenic (filmed in Malta).

Viewing Date: 11/16/23

Starring: David Bradley, Steve James, Michele Chan

Plot

Jackson is back, and now he has a new partner, karate champion Sean, as they must face a deadly terrorist known as “The Cobra”, who has infected Sean with a virus. Sean and Jackson have no choice but to fight the Cobra and his bands of ninjas. (via IMDB)

Rules

• “Cobra”
• Canadian Tuxedos
• Each individual ninja (advanced rule), 2x for red ninjas
• Ninjas appearing
• Ninja flips
• Sciencey stuff

Quotes

“Well done ninjette baby.”

What We Learned

• Ninja healing magic is called kunochi
• Hensojutsu is the ninja art of impersonation- and its far better than any Hollywood professional could do. It also changes your voice!
• There is a ninja hierarchy, and it is determined by the color of your outfit. As far as we could tell, Black = warrior, Red = elite, Blue = security
• Ninjas yell to announce their presence; who needs stealth?

Final Take

I remember American Ninja movies being some sort of great thing back in the 80’s, well, they have not aged well. A middle of the road bad movie that had a lot of the pre-requites: bad acting, nonsense plot involving genetically engineered ninjas used for terrorism, or something… We had a ‘master of disguise’ bad ninja, turned good when she realized that the good guys are good and the bad guys are bad. Worth a watch, but not a recommendation. Rating 2 out of 5 ninja throwing stars.