Bad Movie Thursday

Date Watched: 03/11/2021

Starring: Richard Norton, Robert Patrick

Plot: A ruthless vehicular gang rules the post-apocalyptic wasteland. That’s until a muscled hero named Slade builds the ultimate machine gun – Equalizer 2000, and declares a one man war on the gang’s “piece of garbage” leader.

Rules

• Sporting equipment used as armor
• Shooting more bullets than you have in your gun.
• Dropping references to things we haven’t heard of yet (“The Ownership”)
• “Sand Chopper”
• “The Ownership”
• Richard Norton running down a rock hill.
• Flamethrowers

Quotes

• I want Slade and I want him now. (there are almost no quotable lines in this movie)
• We can’t hold… we’re gonna have to pull out.
• You’ll get a procedural endorsement for this!

Viewer Quotes

• I don’t understand who’s fighting who.
• There’s no quotes in this movie at all. – There’s no dialogue in this movie at all.
• Any friend of Chuck Norris is a friend of mine!
• Loosely tied. Kind of like how I tie things to the roof of my car.
• Who is it that he hates, and why?
• Oh, no, it’s the Mountain People! – Let’s get ’em!

Things We Learned

• In the post-apocalyptic future, there is no shortage of bullets, but you can’t find food, water, or gas.
• Richard Norton is really good at running downhill on uneven terrain.
• Combining 6 guns together makes you completely unstoppable.

Final Take: A totally forgettable movie with an almost completely incomprehensible plot. They dropped you into the middle of this story with a grand battle between various warring factions, but no backstory to explain everything that’s going on. Bottom line, if you’re just interested in explosions and actions scenes, and don’t care about understanding the deeper plot, you might enjoy this.

Viewing Date: 2/25/21

Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid and a long list of semi-celebs in cameos

Plot: With a bitter taste in the mouth, knowing that the Sharknado crisis is far from over yet, Fin and April travel to London after the events of Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016), as Nova Clarke’s fact-finding expedition accidentally triggers a wave of ferocious and bigger-than-ever Sharknadoes. As a result, with prehistoric Stonehenge as the epicentre of the unstoppable new menace, Fin’s young son, Gil, gets sucked into the heart of the brutal cyclone, with minimal chances of survival. Now, Fin Shepard, humankind’s dauntless chainsaw-wielding hero, and his intrepid bionic wife, April, must track down a complex and omnipotent vortex formation that rapidly transforms into something unimaginable: an ever-growing Sharknado of global proportions. This time, Fin and April have their work cut out for them, in a perilous mission across the four corners of the world. Who shall live and who shall die when the fifth awakens? (via IMDB)

Rules

• Cameos
• “Sharknado”
• Movie references / gags
• Riding sharks
• Impaling sharks or getting impaled by a shark

Quotes

• “I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a human helicopter.” (turns out she was, in fact, a human helicopter
• “You clear your thoughts.” (to Tara Reid’s character)

What We Learned

• The Sydney Opera House is actually a transforming, shark killing machine, that somehow requires Tony Hawk for repairs
• Olivia Newton John’s daughter (Chloe Lattanzi) is one of the creepiest looking, saddest ‘plastic-surgery-gone-wrong’ victims in recent memory.
• The British Secret Service has developed a helmet with a shark fin to protect you in case you end up in Sharknado.
• Sharknados creation teleportation portals and time travel

Final Take

Are we getting Sharknado fatigue? There were times watching this movie where I asked myself if 5 films of complete absurdity and bad cameos could actually be getting tired and boring- and yes it is very close, but there is enough here with a $3M budget and one-upping the stupidity to keep it fun. The bar is set very low… Can I say I’m actually somewhat forward to the next one, as long as Dolph Lungren is more than just a cameo?

Viewing Date: 1/7/21

Starring: (Does it really matter?) Marcia Karr, David Campbell, Fritz Matthews, Ted Prior

Plot: Two years ago, a young woman named Valerie was burned after entering a tanning salon. Now, her twin sister, Rhonda, runs a local gym where, all of a sudden, people are being murdered. (via IMDB)

Rules

• Tanning bed (spoiler, this doesn’t really pay off)
• 80’s product placement
• Creepy guys hitting on the women
• Ominous music
• Overtly sexual aerobics moves

Quotes

• “♪♪ Animal Workout ♪♪!”
• “Tell that college boy that if he doesn’t have that report ready in 30 minutes, I’m going to go over there and do an autopsy on his face!”

Viewer Quotes

• “Was that batteries and condoms in her purse?”
• With that hair I’m glad she’s dead.”

What We Learned

• Safety pins are deadly weapons
• Leaving a jock strap in a locker was a great come-on move in the 80’s
• Multiple homicides will not close down a gym
• Jean shorts and a singlet are a good clothing choice when breaking and entering
• One cop is enough to cover / solve an ongoing murder spree

Final Take

Wow. Where to begin with this one? So the premise of this movie is that an aspiring model (Valerie) was badly burned in a tanning bed accident, but then faked her death and posed as her twin sister (Rhonda) while operating a gym / aerobics studio. In between gratuitous workout montages, gym members are murdered in creative ways, most often with a giant safety pin. Meanwhile, the police and authorities don’t seem to care enough to try to solve the mystery, or shut down the crime scenes (workouts begin immediately). The big reveal at the end, is that Rhonda is the murderer, who wants to kill attractive people because she is now bald and scarred from the accident. Somehow she gets away with it since the guy who was in love with her takes the blame (and then she kills him). The cop who knows she was the killer attempts to kill her, but due to incompetency, ends up getting killed, and Rhonda is back in business (and planning to start killing again).

This was a lot of fun- lots of gratuitous nudity, and complete absurdity with how the community treats serial killings. Why did she need to fake her death and pose as a twin in the first place? Was there no actual record of the death? Is it that easy to create a fake identity? But more importantly, how is it a successful business model to run a gym and murder your members? If it isn’t enough to kill your source of income, I think eventually the reputation of potentially getting murdered there would drive away business, right? Don’t overthink this one, just enjoy it!

Date Watched: 01/21/21

Starring: Julie Strain, Rodrigo Obregón, Julie K. Smith, (Directed by Andy Sidaris)

Plot: A stolen computer floppy disc filled with information about the location of a mythical treasure in Savage Island will lure both villains and L.E.T.H.A.L. Agents into a dangerous treasure hunt.

Rules:

• Gratuitous nudity shots
• KSXY radio announcements
• Sexual Innuendos
• Exposition vomit sessions (1 drink every 30 seconds during exposition)

Quotes:

• “Everything I touch has a way of exploding” (suggestively)
• “Soon I will reveal everything to you, but now, there are parts of you I want to reveal to me.” (suggestively)
• “Urgent…Urgent…All things alive must be more than 16 miles away from ground zero point.”

Viewer Quotes:

• “Whoa, is that a crossbow?”
• “What’s going to happen?” – “She’s probably going to fall and ruin someone’s pizza.”
• “After getting dressed and rollerblading there, that pizza must be stone cold.”
• “This is way too much exposition for a movie like this.” – “This guy has just been vomiting nonsense.”
• “If this is the traditional way of celebrating, I’ve been doing it wrong the whole time.”
• “Yeah, let’s take a break, and take a naked swim!”
• “I can’t believe they’re taking the time to explain how this guy survived. Nobody cares! He survived, he found the plane, story over.”
• “They just Scooby Doo’d us!”
• “What? So that whole 10 minutes of exposition was a complete waste?”

Things We Learned:

• Explosions can turn a man into a obvious stuffed rag doll.
• The best way to kill a hitman hiding behind a car is to strap explosions to an RC car and jump it precisely into the trunk filled with gas cans.
• Ninjas carry emergency pistols, in case they start losing.

Final Take: If you’ve ever seen one of Andy Sidaris’ movies then you know exactly what you’re getting yourself into. This movie had it all: t & a, boat and car chases, witty quips and banter, ninjas, and lost treasure. Unfortunately it was tied together with some cheap dental floss. You will have fun watching it and laughing with friends, but I wouldn’t want to watch it alone.

Date Watched: 12/3/2020

Starring: Dona Speir, Hope Marie Carlton

Plot: DEA agents flying cargo as part of their cover make an emergency landing on a remote island in the pacific, where several unscrupulous parties are looking for a WWII gold treasure.

Rules

• Sexual innuendo
• Shirtless People (advanced rule)
• Smooth Jazz

Quotes

• “…and enough money to live in style for the next 100 years.”
• “Don’t spend it all in one piece… Ha Ha Ha Ha Haaaaa!”
• “My ideology means far more to me than fame or fortune.”
• After killing a rooster – “There goes our alarm clock, eh?”
• “Even Mother Theresa has her dark side.”
• “Who else knows you’re here?” – “My whole sorority, and they’re going to be real pissed if I’m not back by Hell Week.”

Viewer Quotes

• “It’s just your standard fruit and budweiser basket.”
• “Is this a sophisticated piece of technology?” – “It’s a sophisticated piece of plastic that beeps.”
• “You know they’re not going to be able to resist saying the name of the movie at some point.”
• “Who is this blonde guy? Didn’t he put that pushpin in that guy’s neck? Who does he work for? What was the point of replacing him?”
• “That’s a good ‘I’ve just been stabbed’ face. His eyes went all crossed and everything.”

Things We Learned

• They smuggled china white in pineapples back in the 80’s in Hawaii.
• Bras are only worn as a shirt in Hawaii, never underneath other clothes.

Final Take: A campy film with boobs, budweisers, bullets, babes, and bad acting. If you’ve seen one Andy Sidaris, you’ve pretty much seen them all. They all have the same actors playing basically the same parts, so you should know what you’re getting yourself into. It was entertaining, and the boobs were plentiful, and also very 80’s looking. You’ll have a good time.

Viewing Date: Nov 19, 2020

Starring: Rick Hill, Barbi Benton, Richard Brooker, Lana Clarkson, Victor Bo

Plot

The warrior Deathstalker is tasked by an old witch to obtain and unite the three powers of creation – a chalice, an amulet, and a sword – lest the evil magician Munkar get them and use them for nefarious purposes. After obtaining the sword, Deathstalker joins with other travelers going to the Big Tournament to determine the strongest warrior. The false king holds the true princess in captivity, and plots to have Deathstalker killed, and Deathstalker must fight to free the princess. (via IMDB)

Rules

• “Monkar”
• “Deathstalker”
• Deathstalker’s sword lights up
• Little people
• Random T&A
• Beheadings
• (advanced) Anything misogynistic

Quotes

• “Join three things separate to be the power.”
• “I steal and kill to stay alive, not for the luxury of glory.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Is that Chepko, jumping right into the mud?”
• “The bad scene was actually just the cast afterparty with too much booze & coke.”
• “He’s going to violate this guy when he’s a woman!”

What We Learned

• Just saying what you want to happen works as magic words
• Heroes and Fools are the same thing
• Deathstalker’s primary motivation is rape
• (men fighting) is a sound for the closed caption / hearing impaired audience

Final Take

This was a throwback to the days of cheesy 80’s barbarian films where a band of misfits has to go on a quest to overthrow the requisite evil sorcerer, complete with terrible effects and fight sequences. Also a throwback to the days when they could get away with an over-the-top sexism. Examples include the barbarian party featuring naked mud wrestling and thee heroic female warrior only wearing a loosely fitting robe (basically topless the entire movie). I suppose his name is ‘Deathstalker’ but he isn’t a very “heroic” hero…. But it was the perfect recipe for Bad Movie Thursday– just so much absurdity. Did I mention the evil “Munkar” (I should have named my dog that), has a worm puppet monster as a pet and feeds it eyeballs? How about the evil henchman who was transformed into a woman in order to assassinate Deathstalker only to be (nearly) violated by him? This was a fun movie that kept us laughing and has us looking forward to the sequels.

Viewing Date: 9/24/20

Starring: Jason Trost, Nick Principe, Mike O’Gorman, Bru Muller, Art Hsu, Tallay Wickham

Plot: Despite hanging up his boots following the events of ‘The FP,’ JTRO must return to the blood sport of Beat-Beat Revelation one last time. JTRO and KCDC – his mystical hype man – will quest deep into The Wastes, a land destroyed by the Beat Wars, to compete in the ancient Beat-Beat tournament, “Beats of Rage,” face AK-47 – and, hopefully, save the world. (via IMDB)

Rules

• Panther Growl Noise
• “Booze”
• “JTRO” or “BTRO”
• “Beat-Beat”
• “Rage Dipping”

Quotes

• “We did some love. We threw some pups”
• “Yo. Drink some water.” “Hey! Get that wet shit outta my face!”
• “Re-ninj, JTRO!”
• “That deal is tail lights and the word is GO!”
• “Pound me JTRO.”
• “Let Re-ninj be your eyes.”
• “He’s beginning to Re-ninj; he must Re-ninj alone.”
• “I challenge you to a beat off!”

Viewer quotes

• “Have you ever seen a movie that has a scene with more than one person with an eyepatch- that’s not a pirate movie?”

What We Learned

• You could use a spoon on a Nintendo Controller
• They need the seed to keep the clan strong
• Chicas weaken legs- especially when Rage Dippin’
• You talk shit, you get slit.

Final Take

The FP is a ‘hall of fame’ Bad Movie Thursday selection, so this movie had a lot to live up to, and I think it delivered. You’ve got to respect the dedication that Jason Trost has for this movie and ridiculous world / culture / language he has created. It is thoroughly entertaining and takes it self seriously enough to maintain the immersion in this crazy world. This is one of the most quotable movies in BMT history just because of the dialect that has been created for this post-apocalyptic world– the list above could have been much longer if I would have been spending more time writing everything down. This movie had enjoyable characters, twists, and nods to video game culture, and we would definitely recommend. This movie might not make the top 10 Bad Movie Thursday list, but would make the top 25 for sure.

Date Watched: 10/15/2020

Starring: The Zoombies

Plot: A game ranger and a team of poachers end up surrounded by zombie animals and they forge an alliance to stop the beasts before the super-zombie virus spreads to the entire world.

Rules

• Animals turning into zoombies
• Saying the word “zoo”
• Animals “chittering”
• Don’t forget house rule – creature-vision
• “Toronto”

Quotes

• “It’s a cocktail of my own creation. Paralyzes the animal from within.”
• “Humped to death by a lion.”
• “The animals are going crazy. They want our blood. They want revenge!”
• “This planet is wasting away. I’m just trying to make some cash before we’re all extinct.”
• “Face it… we’re not the kings of the jungle anymore!”
• “You want us to willingly feed ourselves to the animals?”
• “It’s an antidote, okay. It’s not a secret serum to give you powers.”

Viewer Quotes

• “That jeep’s going like a ride at disneyland.”
• “How did the porcupine get in there?” – “Must have gone through the air ducts.”

Things We Learned

• The planet is wasting away. You just have to make some cash before we’re all extinct.
• Porcupines will explode when shocked with a cattle prod.

Final Take: It was just fine. Too many of the people died in stupid ways, it seemed like a waste, but probably budget restrictions. We craved more gruesome zoombie killings, and this movie definitely left us wanting. I’m not sure I would strongly recommend this movie when there are clearly better options.

Starring: John Travolta, Forest Whitaker, Barry Pepper

Date Watched: 8/27/2020

Plot: It’s the year 3000 A.D., and the Earth is lost to the alien race of Psychlos. Humanity is enslaved by these gold-thirsty tyrants, who are unaware that their ‘man-animals’ are about to ignite the rebellion of a lifetime.

Rules

• “Leverage”
• Wipe (scene transitions)
• Psychlos talking about or presenting gold
• Dutch (i.e. skewed) camera angle (advanced rule)
• Slow motion
• “Man-animal” (expert rule)

Quotes

• “As a friend I could forget to file the report… but unfortunately, I’m not your friend!”
• Dog?  Obviously the superior race, having man-animal chauffeur it around.”
• “You sure called that one, sir.  He certainly didn’t find those picto-cameras.”
• “Hope is an admirable quality, but foolish isn’t.”
• “You made me as happy as a baby pcychlo on a straight diet of kerbango.”
• “You imbecile!  What kind of crap-lousy game are you playing?”

Viewer Quotes

• “What do we know about Scientology?”  –  “Well, it’s based around some god… Zathura?”

Things We Learned

• Glass is godstone.
• Dog is the superior race.
• Gold is just dripping off the mountains of Colorado in the future.
• Dutch angles are skewed shots.  Every shot in Battlefield Earth is dutch.
• The great weakness of the Psychlo race is that they can’t move fast at all.

Final Take: This was a re-watch of a treasured favorite, one of the Bad Movie Thursday originals.  It held up pretty well.  It’s still a nonsensical mess, clearly conceived by the mind of a madman.  The rules all played well, especially “Leverage” and the scene wipe.  God help you if you play by the advanced or expert rules. It was a fun trip down memory lane and worth the time.  Just don’t try to read any meaning into it or plug the plot holes.