Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: 10/31/2014

Starring: Dolph Lundgren (and directed by BMT favorite Uwe Boll!)

Plot: An ex-Special Forces soldier gets thrown back to medieval times to fulfill an ancient prophecy and ends up finding redemption for his own battlefield experiences. (IMDB)

Rules

• Slow Mo
• Inner-monologue
• Reference to Granger’s (Dolph) tortured past
• Half-assed medieval speak  (This would mean a constant waterfall.  Save this one for the truly cringe-worthy lines)
• “Granger”
• Fish out of water jokes
• “Holy Mother”

Quotes

“That’s not cool.”  “No.  It’s warm.”

“Tomorrow- the adventure begins.”

“There’s got to be everything from e coli to sheep feces in there.”

“I was rash and only acted to fulfill my urges.”

“Listen guys.  I’ve decreed it.”

“I have a feeling in the Black Forest, size does matter.”

“It was an honor to fight by your side and lay by you as your woman.”

Viewer Quotes

“Its like the parking lot of medieval times- where they filmed it.”

“Our cook was the only one who knew the true form of the catalyst.” (Granger murdered the cook for no apparent reason)

“This is the worst dragon ever.”

“Unexplained wig.”

What We Learned

• Childproof containers are also medieval-person proof
• Dolph Lundgren sleeps with his scarf (and fully clothed)
• The king lives in a rock climbing gym
• The best place to hide a king is in the future

Date Watched: 10/16/14

Starring: Party of Five guy and the T1000

Plot: Two brothers have half of a powerful ancient Chinese talisman. An evil gang leader has the other half, and determines to get the brothers’ half and have a complete medallion so he can gain absolute power.

Rules

• Saying Dragon, “Double Dragon” counts for two
• Spin Kicks
• “New Angeles”
• “Butt Head”
• Game references – game over, extra life, using a joystick, etc.
• Knuckle cracking
• Doing the double dragon fist bump.

Quotes

• “Eat some fist, butt heads!”
• “Once the medallions are mine, so then will be New Angeles”
• “No one wants to party with Victor Guisman.”
• “Lotus Flower, I’ve missed your sense of peasant justice.”
• “This isn’t some stupid tournament.”
• “I just want total domination over one major American city.  Is that too much to ask for?”
• “We’re getting railed in broad daylight!”
• “I’m sorry I had to kick your butt so bad”

Viewer Quotes

• “They’re supposed to be brothers?  One them’s Asian and one’s White.”
• “Is it racist to say this is the least intimidating gang I’ve ever seen because they’re just a bunch of white dudes in preppy clothes?”
• “That thing is really poor at target acquisition”
• “Look at the two of them rubbing it together.”
• “It’s a good thing he’s got that rope to swing from wherever he goes.”
• “Oh God, it’s like Chet from Weird Science.”

What We Learned

• You can find out how much someone bench presses by looking up their license plate in future 2007.
• Cars can run on burning paper in future 2007.
• The best place to hide your most precious possession is around your neck in plain view.
• The Hollywood River is flammable.  And there’s a Hollywood River.
• Ghosts can be sucked into fans

Final Take

That was a mess.  It seemed like it was written by a 13 year old boy.  I just watched it a few minutes ago and I’ve already forgotten half of it.  The rules paid off in spades, so that was fun, but I don’t know if I would recommend it.  Pretty forgettable, as I’m sure Scott Wolf was hoping a year after he made it.

Viewing Date: 10/2/2014

Starring: Sean Astin

Plot

When a group of friends enjoying a bachelor cruise in the Caribbean stumble upon a research facility on a remote island, a deadly virus is unleashed. The group must find a way to survive before the flesh eating virus consumes them all (from IMDB)

Rules

• Slow Motion
• Every time we see a cabin (this rules turns out to be worthless)
• “Specimen”
• Pounding beers
• Vomiting blood

Quotes

• “Who ate all the p&#@y?  This guy!”
• “I…. I know a great plastic surgeon….  He uh…  Did my girlfriend’s…  You know….”
• “Dobbs, keep an eye on Dr. Evil.”
• “You’re one ugly bitch.”

Viewer Quotes

• “There aren’t a lot of cabins in this Cabin Fever.”
• “Did we have any good quotes in that last scene?”  “No.”

What We Learned

• The flesh eating virus infects fish- and everything in the ocean.
• High security, quarantine labs that contain the deadliest diseases in the world aren’t actually that sanitary or secure.  There are mice living in the lab technicians bras, and they dump their biological waste directly into the ocean.
• The virus also makes you evil…  Sometimes.
• The best way to kill an infected person is with a big black dildo.
• Samwise Gamgee’s career has taken quite a tumble.
• Sean Astin is evil for no particular reason and wants to kill everyone.

Final Take

Starring:  Ragin Cagein

Date Watched: 9/25/14

Plot: When the daughter of a reformed criminal is kidnapped, he rounds up his old crew and seeks his own brand of justice.

Rules

• Cage gets filled with Rage
• Men with masks
• Bigoted remarks and/or racist remarks
• Wife pleads for something
• Cage pulls out or brandishes a knife

Quotes

• “I would expect you to get shot trying to protect her!”
• “How deep do you want this to go?” –  “How deep is hell?”
• “It’s OK, you’ll be dead soon.” <gentle, soothing voice>
• “Rap sheet as long as my dick.”
• “While you were getting high… and your dick wet…they got Cain.”

Viewer Quotes

• “That hair is the most ridiculous shit ever.”
• “That’s definitely not Just For Men.” – “It’s Just For Cage.”
• “What’s this guy’s accent?  What is this, the movie of ridiculous accents?”
• “Dude, he hasn’t been filled with Rage even once.”
• “Whoever was the hair stylist on this movie is the WORST.”

What We Learned

• Danny Glover should not be in an HD Movie.
• Danny Glover was only 41 when filming Lethal Weapon.  Was he really getting too old for that shit?
• Danny Glover is still on the force, despite being a few weeks from retirement 30 years ago.
• Sometimes the rage kills your friends.
• Never trust Russians.

Final Take

Viewing Date: 8/28/2014

Starring: No one really.  The lead looks sort of like Greg Kinnear

Plot

A former vigilante who has embraced his peaceful nature comes to the aid of a young mother in trouble with a cannibalistic drug lord. (IMDB)

Rules

• A Johnny Cash-ish song plays
• Fisheye lens shots
• Eye jokes, references to the eye-patch
• “Mr. Lizard”
• Drug use

Quotes

“Nothing like poopin’ indoors.”

“Did I tell you I’m a roadie for Hoobastank?”

“Are you doing this to bang my wife?”

“You are unwilling to cut-off your genitalia to make amends.”

“I’m down with the whole eardrum for an eardrum thing, but if my Eustachian tube gets infected….”

“…I’ve been f’d by a cement fist and dropped by a 

Viewer Quotes

“He was strangling him….  And his Johnson.”

“Methed up Meth-heads could outrun anybody…  Over a short distance.”

What We Learned

If you have enough drugs you can turn people to murder and cannibalism.

Three-wheelers are as unsafe as advertised (shouldn’t be operated by meth-heads)

A meth-head can survive for a long time after being disemboweled by a dog

Date Watched: 7/17/2014

Starring: JCVD, JCVD’s Daughter

Plot: Friends get together for a night out in a bar. Life is wonderful as a couple share their proposal moment. When, suddenly strange things start to happen. Loss of power. Throughout the city. No phones, no lights, just darkness as the friends try to cope. Then an invasion from UFOs, big ones! The sky is darkened by the ships of the alien invaders. The takeover of planet Earth has begun as our the five friends struggle to survive amid the chaos and calamity. Will love survive the terror?

Rules

• Adidas logo
• Flashbacks or flash forwards
• 24 and 36
• Buildup without payoff
• Weird shaky camera
• Fistfights
• Seeing an alien (don’t count on it)

Quotes

• “Hey, I’m a nice guy.  Now get the fuck out of here.”
• “Dirty bomb, filthy bomb, disgusting bomb…doesn’t matter.”
• “What’s making me feel panicky is the fucking spaceship outside.”

Viewer Quotes

• “That was an incredible scene”
• “How not to film a sex scene…close ups of a dude’s ass”
• “OK, the power’s off.  Understand how that works?”
• “Mobile phones don’t work, land lines don’t work, radio doesn’t work, electricity’s out, no big deal.”
• “He really does look like the Shermanator.”
• “Still nothing has happened.” – “It’s character development.  It’s a character piece.”
• “Somebody better get murdered by an alien soon.”
• “Do you think we’re going to see an alien this entire time?”
• “Do we classify that as an explosion?” – “Yeah, I think that’s about as good as it’s going to get in this movie.”
• “Well I guess she doesn’t got a fella anymore!”

What We Learned

• White guys should not wear corn rows.
• The English wait in queues politely even during an alien invasion.
• The English believe immigrants don’t deserve a place in line.
• One night stands make great companions in an alien invasion.

Starring: Vic Morrow, etc1. 

Date Watched: 6/12/2014

Plot: It’s a Japanese Star Wars rip-off.  Whatever makes sense is Star Wars.  The rest is gibberish.  

Rules

• Star Wars rip-offs (music, characters, whatever)
• Voiceovers
• Walnuts
• Space clipper ship
• Anachronisms (stuff out of time/place)
• “Gavanas”
• “Jillucia”
• Every time Aaron complains, whimpers, or throws a tantrum.
• “Liabi”

Quotes

• “You used a precious military rocket for a robot funeral?”
• “Master, don’t get smashed.  Must find place to sleep tonight.  No more booze.  No more booze.”
• “No Roko, you must believe in the glorious seeds.”
• “These nuts were so strange.  I looked at them carefully.”
• “If you’re scared, do not come.  Goodbye.” <robot voice>
• “Two more to find.  But no robots included in deal.  Too bad.”  

Viewer Quotes

• “It’s the Space Highway Patrol”
• “Look – robot boobs!”
• “I saw the movie Gravity.  This is not how it works.”
• “Did they not know how space works?  People had been in space at this point in time.”
• “Jack, Jack, get off my back.”
• “God, that Aaron guy fucking sucks.”
• “Why do they have comics painted on the walls?”

What We Learned

• You can swim in space and all you need is a long sleeved shirt and pants. 
• In Japanese movies, all the grown ups act like spoiled children
• Aliens can send space hieroglyphic messages
• When you destroy the moon, every trace of it is eradicated.  There are no remnants.
• The moon’s destruction is not a big deal and does not have much of an impact on Earth. 

Final Take

Viewing Date: 4/10/14

Starring: Michael Rooker, Casper Van Dien

Plot

A co-ed group of Special Forces agents search the wilderness for a predator type creature that has been on a killing spree.

Rules

• Dismemberments, Cut off limbs
• Screeching birds (this one really pays off)
• Teleporting horse
• Remember ‘creature vision’ is a house rule

Quotes

“There isn’t anything on Earth that could scare him.”  (in a wooden and laconic voice).

“I think I’ll drop back a piece.  Sniff around a little.”

“They call him Cotton Mouth Joe.”

“Whatever it was it fooled us.  It had our number- big time.”

“What was down there?”  “Don’t ever ask me that again.”

Viewer Quotes

“On yeah.  He’s a native American alright.”

“Where did he come from, where did he go…”

“Why would he be fishing at the top of a waterfall?”

“How many times have I seen the life go from Casper Van Dien’s eyes?…”  “Not enough.”

What we learned

There are ‘undercover’ search and rescue teams.  They dress just like normal hikers.

If you’re on a covert mission in the backwoods of California, you’d better have an underwater demolitions expert in your crew.

If guns, grenades and landmines don’t stop a supernatural killer, you might as well try a poorly-planned electricity trap.

Final Take

This movie was a poorly written, unintelligible mess, but you know what?  It had non-stop, nonsensical action and killing, so it was a winner in my book.  We had to rewind a number of sequences to try to figure out what the hell just happened, but ultimately, it really didn’t matter.  A guy dressed as the grim reaper, riding a teleporting horse was racking up an incredible body count for no particular reason (I think it had something to do with being an Indian spirit), makes no sense, but we were entertained.

 Starring: David Hasselhoff, Christopher Plummer

Date Watched: 4/17/2014

Plot: An outlaw smuggler and her alien companion are recruited by the Emperor of the Galaxy to rescue his son and destroy a secret weapon by the evil Count Zarth Arn.

Rules 

• Stupid Star Maps
• Horrible Ship Models
• Terrible space battles
• Sliding down poles
• “Stella Star”
• Stupid hick robot says stuff
• Alien Powers

Quotes

• “I only have logic and emotion circuits.  No room for craziness.”
• “Give me any trouble and I’m gonna clean out your sinuses real good, lady.”
• “Now may be a good time to use your ancient system of prayer, and hope it works for robots too.”
• “Stop!  No one can survive these deadly rays.”
• “Time for a little robot chauvinism.  You stay here.”
• “I can’t leave you.  You’re the only human-like friend I’ve ever had.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Why did he slide down that pole when there’s stairs on either side?”
• “Did they only shoot one take for every scene?”
• “What the fuck is going on?  Every scene is less than 30 seconds long.”
• “How can we do the entire Star Wars trilogy in an hour and a half?”
• “Oh God.  A southern bumpkin robot?”
• “Those seats do not look comfortable.  I guess they haven’t discovered ergonomics in the future.”
• “Oh!  How did we miss that?  It doesn’t have any joints though.  We’re OK.”
• “They have airfighters?  They were riding horseback?”
• “That thing’s the most worthless whatever-it-is that I’ve ever seen.”
• “Is he telling the robot to fire the laser cannon, or do they have a laser cannon robot?”
• “Who expected that we’d see cavemen in this movie?”
• “Is she still wearing her bikini?  Covered in siran wrap?  Look at how awkwardly she’s walking.  Did she poop her pants?”
• “I’d like to think that someone that can see the future would be a pretty good swordsman.”
• “How do you think he goes?  Does he just disappear?”  –  “There will be flashing… Nailed it.”

What We Learned

• Attractive prisoners have to wear prison-issued bikinis.  Everyone else is in rags.
• Huge alien robots are inept and do not have joints.
• When in trouble, use your laser shooting mask as a club and run away.
• What happens when you stab a robot with a lightsaber?  It disappears.

Final Take

That was one of the “best” thursday night movies we’ve seen in a while.  So entertainingly bad.  The special effects are some of the worst I’ve seen, and the acting isn’t much better.  For some reason almost every actor’s voice is dubbed, and the plot jumps from scene to scene without any logical connection.  Despite all of that, it’s entertaining all the way through.  A young David Hasselhoff is just icing on the cake.  Check it out if you get the chance.