Archive for February 8th, 2014

08
Feb
14

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

Conan the Destroyer

 

Date Watched: 1/9/2014

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones, Wilt Chamberlin

Plot:

The wandering barbarian, Conan, alongside his goofy rogue pal, Malak, are tasked with escorting Queen Taramis’ virgin niece, Princess Jehnna and her bodyguard, Bombaata, to a mystical island fortress. They must retrieve a magical crystal that legends say can awaken the god of dreams, Dagoth. Along the way, Conan reunites with the wise wizard, Akiro and befriends the fierce female fighter, Zula. Together the heroes face ancient traps, powerful Wizards, plots of betrayal, and even the dream god, Dagoth, himself! (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Beheadings
  • Limbs chopped off
  • Say Cimmerian
  • Whip sounds
  • Feats of strength
  • Punching animals
  • Wizard performs magic

Advanced rule:

Say Bombaata

Quotes:

“You’re afraid of magic… and you will have to deal with it.”

“What good are swords against magic?”

“She must be a virgin when she’s returned to me… so she can be properly sacrificed.”

“I suppose nothing hurts you… only pain.”

“If you really want a man, you must join.  I mean how do you think flowers grow.”

“The girl’s destiny is to deliver a horn.”

“Every king has a fool.”  Response – “Oh, do I qualify?”

 

Viewer Quotes:

“Wow, did he just punch the horse?”

“What, he now just knocked out a camel!!!”

“Did he just say that you’ll touch the chest of a hairy man?”

“Could you imagine being on set in 1984 when this was being shot with Arnold, Grace Jones, and Wilt Chamberlin?  The coke fueled orgies!  I wonder if there is a documentary of this?”

 

Things We Learned:

Conan really hates animals and likes to punch them at each open opportunity.

Olivia d’Abo in the movie is the cousin of Maryam d’Abo and way hot in 1984.  She was also in the Wonder Years and yet another example of Kevin’s craziness that he would choose the ugly mongoose Winny Cooper over this hot tamale.

 

Final Take:

This is a prime example of a Bob Barker movie, in that the sequel has been vastly neutered from the original to secure a lower film rating.  (Ie Robocop is “R” and then Robocop 3 is “PG-13”.  Police Academy is “R”, Police Academy 2 “PG-13”, Police Academy 3 “PG”.  etc.)  Why do studios insist on doing this?  This never ends well, as maybe more kids can see the movie, but the final product is as watered down as a gin and tonic at a Chili’s in Provo, Utah.

So, Conan is back, but it’s a different genre.  Gone are the boobies and blood and instead we get family entertainment.  Conan should be deflowering virgins, not protecting them.

There is a lot of ridiculous wizardry and animal punching, so I would still give a BMT recommendation.

08
Feb
14

Gymkata (1985)

Gymkata

Date Watched: 10/24/13

Starring: Kurt Thomas

Plot:

Johnathan Cabot is a champion gymnast. In the tiny, yet savage, country of Parmistan, there is a perfect spot for a “star wars” site. For the US to get this site, they must compete in the brutal “Game”. The government calls on Cabot, the son of a former operative, to win the game. Cabot must combine his gymnastics skills of the west with fighting secrets of the east and form GYMKATA! (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Kicks using gymnastics equipment
  • Dismounts
  • Say “Star Wars”
  • Unnecessary gymnastic moves

Quotes:

“No outsider has ever won the game in over 900 years.”

“Just a little Anti-American sentiment… aaarggggh!”

“Its not over yet, so put your hardware back in your pants.”

Viewer Quotes:

“She doesn’t speak… some might say the perfect woman.”

“The Asian woman is taller than him.  That’s not a good sign.”

“His whole life he came up short, no pun intended.”

“Is this the most dangerous game?”

“Gymkata is the currency of nations.”

Things we learned:

Small towns and villages often have gymnastics apparatus as part of their downtown décor to aid in the kicking of bad guys.

Final take:

An 80’s hidden classic.  There is really no reason for this movie to have been made, and it shows!  Bad plotting, bad acting, silly action set pieces – aka the perfect Bad Movie Thursday movie.  I would encourage anyone who comes across this little gem to grab a case of Rainier Ice, sit back, and enjoy.  Extra points if you watch the entire movie with the sound off and “You’re the best” from the Karate Kid playing on repeat in the background.




February 2014
M T W T F S S
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
2425262728