Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: Aug 12, 2021

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Dave Bautista, Jin Zhang, Harry Shum Jr, Devon Sava, 50 Cent

Plot: The daughter of a Hong Kong tech executive goes missing in what appears to be a routine ransom job. As Breslin and his crew delve deeper, they discover the culprit is the deranged son of one of their former foes, who also kidnapped Breslin’s love and is holding her inside the massive prison known as Devil’s Station. (via IMDB)

Rules

• Product Placements
• “Zhang”
• “Wong” (also applies to bad puns from the viewers)
• “Chine”
• Stallone goes full Rambo

Viewer Quotes

• “You messed with the Wong guy.” (and about 10 more like this)

What We Learned

• Body guards don’t need to be armed, only Ray Breslen
• 80 year old Sly Stallone is still jacked and can kill people with his bare hands.
• Not to watch a 4th ‘Escape Plan’, if they decide to make one.

Final Take: This was just a bad movie, but not in a good way. Not much to write about because it was another formulaic, thin plotted action movie where Sly and friends took a pay day for a movie targeting the China market. I think 50 Cent was in one scene, although had one of the top billings of the cast (in the US at least). Dave Bautista was reliably entertaining as the one man wrecking crew, and Sly did have a decent final fight scene. Beyond that… terrible. I did see that this movie may have set a record for having so much of the film as production information (90 seconds of production company logos and nearly 9 mins of credits), so 11.7% of the run time of the film. That’s got to be something- right?

Date Watched: 6/17/2021

Starring: Dad from Home Alone, and one of the Wet Bandits

Plot: Homeless people that live in the sewers are disappearing, and something terrifying might be killing them. CHUDs!

Rules

• References to the “underground”.
• Homeless people
• CHUD attack
• References to radiation

Quotes

• “It’s buck dancers choice, my friend.”
• “We don’t have to listen to the lunatic ravings of this paranoid hippie.”

Viewer Quotes

• “This guy’s wearing a full Canadian tuxedo.” – “What is that, scrubs?”

Things We Learned

• In the 80’s, when a woman gets a call from the doctor, she’s pregnant.
• You can intimidate people by eating their payphone change.
• In the 80’s, going to the papers was the biggest threat of all. These days it means nothing.
• New York apartments have access panels to the sewers.

Final Take: This was a decent Thursday movie. Definitely kept my attention, and the rules worked to keep a steady flow of beer going. There was a surprisingly strong cast involved in this one, and a plot involving corrupt politicians that still seems relevant. Not too shabby.

Date Watched: 6/3/2021

Starring: Tim Curry, Bruce Campbell, Laura Linney

Plot: When an expedition to the African Congo ends in disaster, a new team is assembled to find out what went wrong.

Rules

• “Amy” (advanced rule)
• The eye symbol
• Amy smokes or drinks

Quotes

• “I don’t have a price. I’m not a pound of sugar. I’m a primatologist.”
• “Who are those guys?” – “Fuck if I know, and it don’t pay to ask. We’re on our third government in 2 years.”
• “Solomon must have gotten his diamonds from Cartier, just like the rest of us.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Wow, that’s quite an accent.”
• “Does anyone care if a snake is harmed in the filming of a movie?” – “I don’t know… Jake the snake Roberts?”
• “She’s presenting! Smell… my… anus…”

Things We Learned

• Apes are allowed one martini to calm them down.
• You can use flares to trigger heat-seeking missiles.
• Monkeys all mate under a full moon.
• Hippos will attack boats indiscriminately at night.

Final Take:

It was fine.

Date Watched: 5/6/2021

Starring: Don “The Dragon” Wilson

Plot: Scientist brings virtual reality characters to life. Two are women from the cybersex game site. The third is a warrior who wants to unleash the rest of the bad guys from the virtual reality underworld. A border cop must defeat the virtual reality warrior while learning to relate to one of the cybersex babes.

Rules

• Computer Voice
• Computer lingo that doesn’t make sense
• Using the stupid flip phone.
• Dante kills someone

Quotes

• “I’m in training for the tight-ass olympics.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Let’s make a phone out of a travel battleship game!”
• “Is ‘back to life’ the right terminology? They’ve never been alive.”

Things We Learned

• The ground floor of Excalibur is a cybersex hub.
• “Software robbers” are totally ripped gangsters instead of just nerds living in their mom’s basements.
• In the future, a taser is actually a laser.
• You can create a physical copy of a program by copying it from MD-Rom to disc.
• You can’t beat a computer at a computer game.
• 500 PSI will kill a-lifers.

Final Take: A pretty poor copy of Virtuosity, and a shameless cash-in on the weird virtual reality craze of the time. This film has not aged very well, now that we’re living in the times they were projecting for us. The plot is hard to follow, the action is slow and poorly choreographed, and there’s probably not quite enough T & A to justify the rating. It’s entertaining as long as you’re drinking beers with friends, but will likely fade from memory as soon as the credits roll past.

Date Watched: 03/11/2021

Starring: Richard Norton, Robert Patrick

Plot: A ruthless vehicular gang rules the post-apocalyptic wasteland. That’s until a muscled hero named Slade builds the ultimate machine gun – Equalizer 2000, and declares a one man war on the gang’s “piece of garbage” leader.

Rules

• Sporting equipment used as armor
• Shooting more bullets than you have in your gun.
• Dropping references to things we haven’t heard of yet (“The Ownership”)
• “Sand Chopper”
• “The Ownership”
• Richard Norton running down a rock hill.
• Flamethrowers

Quotes

• I want Slade and I want him now. (there are almost no quotable lines in this movie)
• We can’t hold… we’re gonna have to pull out.
• You’ll get a procedural endorsement for this!

Viewer Quotes

• I don’t understand who’s fighting who.
• There’s no quotes in this movie at all. – There’s no dialogue in this movie at all.
• Any friend of Chuck Norris is a friend of mine!
• Loosely tied. Kind of like how I tie things to the roof of my car.
• Who is it that he hates, and why?
• Oh, no, it’s the Mountain People! – Let’s get ’em!

Things We Learned

• In the post-apocalyptic future, there is no shortage of bullets, but you can’t find food, water, or gas.
• Richard Norton is really good at running downhill on uneven terrain.
• Combining 6 guns together makes you completely unstoppable.

Final Take: A totally forgettable movie with an almost completely incomprehensible plot. They dropped you into the middle of this story with a grand battle between various warring factions, but no backstory to explain everything that’s going on. Bottom line, if you’re just interested in explosions and actions scenes, and don’t care about understanding the deeper plot, you might enjoy this.

Viewing Date: 2/25/21

Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid and a long list of semi-celebs in cameos

Plot: With a bitter taste in the mouth, knowing that the Sharknado crisis is far from over yet, Fin and April travel to London after the events of Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016), as Nova Clarke’s fact-finding expedition accidentally triggers a wave of ferocious and bigger-than-ever Sharknadoes. As a result, with prehistoric Stonehenge as the epicentre of the unstoppable new menace, Fin’s young son, Gil, gets sucked into the heart of the brutal cyclone, with minimal chances of survival. Now, Fin Shepard, humankind’s dauntless chainsaw-wielding hero, and his intrepid bionic wife, April, must track down a complex and omnipotent vortex formation that rapidly transforms into something unimaginable: an ever-growing Sharknado of global proportions. This time, Fin and April have their work cut out for them, in a perilous mission across the four corners of the world. Who shall live and who shall die when the fifth awakens? (via IMDB)

Rules

• Cameos
• “Sharknado”
• Movie references / gags
• Riding sharks
• Impaling sharks or getting impaled by a shark

Quotes

• “I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a human helicopter.” (turns out she was, in fact, a human helicopter
• “You clear your thoughts.” (to Tara Reid’s character)

What We Learned

• The Sydney Opera House is actually a transforming, shark killing machine, that somehow requires Tony Hawk for repairs
• Olivia Newton John’s daughter (Chloe Lattanzi) is one of the creepiest looking, saddest ‘plastic-surgery-gone-wrong’ victims in recent memory.
• The British Secret Service has developed a helmet with a shark fin to protect you in case you end up in Sharknado.
• Sharknados creation teleportation portals and time travel

Final Take

Are we getting Sharknado fatigue? There were times watching this movie where I asked myself if 5 films of complete absurdity and bad cameos could actually be getting tired and boring- and yes it is very close, but there is enough here with a $3M budget and one-upping the stupidity to keep it fun. The bar is set very low… Can I say I’m actually somewhat forward to the next one, as long as Dolph Lungren is more than just a cameo?

Viewing Date: 1/7/21

Starring: (Does it really matter?) Marcia Karr, David Campbell, Fritz Matthews, Ted Prior

Plot: Two years ago, a young woman named Valerie was burned after entering a tanning salon. Now, her twin sister, Rhonda, runs a local gym where, all of a sudden, people are being murdered. (via IMDB)

Rules

• Tanning bed (spoiler, this doesn’t really pay off)
• 80’s product placement
• Creepy guys hitting on the women
• Ominous music
• Overtly sexual aerobics moves

Quotes

• “♪♪ Animal Workout ♪♪!”
• “Tell that college boy that if he doesn’t have that report ready in 30 minutes, I’m going to go over there and do an autopsy on his face!”

Viewer Quotes

• “Was that batteries and condoms in her purse?”
• With that hair I’m glad she’s dead.”

What We Learned

• Safety pins are deadly weapons
• Leaving a jock strap in a locker was a great come-on move in the 80’s
• Multiple homicides will not close down a gym
• Jean shorts and a singlet are a good clothing choice when breaking and entering
• One cop is enough to cover / solve an ongoing murder spree

Final Take

Wow. Where to begin with this one? So the premise of this movie is that an aspiring model (Valerie) was badly burned in a tanning bed accident, but then faked her death and posed as her twin sister (Rhonda) while operating a gym / aerobics studio. In between gratuitous workout montages, gym members are murdered in creative ways, most often with a giant safety pin. Meanwhile, the police and authorities don’t seem to care enough to try to solve the mystery, or shut down the crime scenes (workouts begin immediately). The big reveal at the end, is that Rhonda is the murderer, who wants to kill attractive people because she is now bald and scarred from the accident. Somehow she gets away with it since the guy who was in love with her takes the blame (and then she kills him). The cop who knows she was the killer attempts to kill her, but due to incompetency, ends up getting killed, and Rhonda is back in business (and planning to start killing again).

This was a lot of fun- lots of gratuitous nudity, and complete absurdity with how the community treats serial killings. Why did she need to fake her death and pose as a twin in the first place? Was there no actual record of the death? Is it that easy to create a fake identity? But more importantly, how is it a successful business model to run a gym and murder your members? If it isn’t enough to kill your source of income, I think eventually the reputation of potentially getting murdered there would drive away business, right? Don’t overthink this one, just enjoy it!

Date Watched: 01/21/21

Starring: Julie Strain, Rodrigo Obregón, Julie K. Smith, (Directed by Andy Sidaris)

Plot: A stolen computer floppy disc filled with information about the location of a mythical treasure in Savage Island will lure both villains and L.E.T.H.A.L. Agents into a dangerous treasure hunt.

Rules:

• Gratuitous nudity shots
• KSXY radio announcements
• Sexual Innuendos
• Exposition vomit sessions (1 drink every 30 seconds during exposition)

Quotes:

• “Everything I touch has a way of exploding” (suggestively)
• “Soon I will reveal everything to you, but now, there are parts of you I want to reveal to me.” (suggestively)
• “Urgent…Urgent…All things alive must be more than 16 miles away from ground zero point.”

Viewer Quotes:

• “Whoa, is that a crossbow?”
• “What’s going to happen?” – “She’s probably going to fall and ruin someone’s pizza.”
• “After getting dressed and rollerblading there, that pizza must be stone cold.”
• “This is way too much exposition for a movie like this.” – “This guy has just been vomiting nonsense.”
• “If this is the traditional way of celebrating, I’ve been doing it wrong the whole time.”
• “Yeah, let’s take a break, and take a naked swim!”
• “I can’t believe they’re taking the time to explain how this guy survived. Nobody cares! He survived, he found the plane, story over.”
• “They just Scooby Doo’d us!”
• “What? So that whole 10 minutes of exposition was a complete waste?”

Things We Learned:

• Explosions can turn a man into a obvious stuffed rag doll.
• The best way to kill a hitman hiding behind a car is to strap explosions to an RC car and jump it precisely into the trunk filled with gas cans.
• Ninjas carry emergency pistols, in case they start losing.

Final Take: If you’ve ever seen one of Andy Sidaris’ movies then you know exactly what you’re getting yourself into. This movie had it all: t & a, boat and car chases, witty quips and banter, ninjas, and lost treasure. Unfortunately it was tied together with some cheap dental floss. You will have fun watching it and laughing with friends, but I wouldn’t want to watch it alone.

Date Watched: 12/3/2020

Starring: Dona Speir, Hope Marie Carlton

Plot: DEA agents flying cargo as part of their cover make an emergency landing on a remote island in the pacific, where several unscrupulous parties are looking for a WWII gold treasure.

Rules

• Sexual innuendo
• Shirtless People (advanced rule)
• Smooth Jazz

Quotes

• “…and enough money to live in style for the next 100 years.”
• “Don’t spend it all in one piece… Ha Ha Ha Ha Haaaaa!”
• “My ideology means far more to me than fame or fortune.”
• After killing a rooster – “There goes our alarm clock, eh?”
• “Even Mother Theresa has her dark side.”
• “Who else knows you’re here?” – “My whole sorority, and they’re going to be real pissed if I’m not back by Hell Week.”

Viewer Quotes

• “It’s just your standard fruit and budweiser basket.”
• “Is this a sophisticated piece of technology?” – “It’s a sophisticated piece of plastic that beeps.”
• “You know they’re not going to be able to resist saying the name of the movie at some point.”
• “Who is this blonde guy? Didn’t he put that pushpin in that guy’s neck? Who does he work for? What was the point of replacing him?”
• “That’s a good ‘I’ve just been stabbed’ face. His eyes went all crossed and everything.”

Things We Learned

• They smuggled china white in pineapples back in the 80’s in Hawaii.
• Bras are only worn as a shirt in Hawaii, never underneath other clothes.

Final Take: A campy film with boobs, budweisers, bullets, babes, and bad acting. If you’ve seen one Andy Sidaris, you’ve pretty much seen them all. They all have the same actors playing basically the same parts, so you should know what you’re getting yourself into. It was entertaining, and the boobs were plentiful, and also very 80’s looking. You’ll have a good time.

Viewing Date: Nov 19, 2020

Starring: Rick Hill, Barbi Benton, Richard Brooker, Lana Clarkson, Victor Bo

Plot

The warrior Deathstalker is tasked by an old witch to obtain and unite the three powers of creation – a chalice, an amulet, and a sword – lest the evil magician Munkar get them and use them for nefarious purposes. After obtaining the sword, Deathstalker joins with other travelers going to the Big Tournament to determine the strongest warrior. The false king holds the true princess in captivity, and plots to have Deathstalker killed, and Deathstalker must fight to free the princess. (via IMDB)

Rules

• “Monkar”
• “Deathstalker”
• Deathstalker’s sword lights up
• Little people
• Random T&A
• Beheadings
• (advanced) Anything misogynistic

Quotes

• “Join three things separate to be the power.”
• “I steal and kill to stay alive, not for the luxury of glory.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Is that Chepko, jumping right into the mud?”
• “The bad scene was actually just the cast afterparty with too much booze & coke.”
• “He’s going to violate this guy when he’s a woman!”

What We Learned

• Just saying what you want to happen works as magic words
• Heroes and Fools are the same thing
• Deathstalker’s primary motivation is rape
• (men fighting) is a sound for the closed caption / hearing impaired audience

Final Take

This was a throwback to the days of cheesy 80’s barbarian films where a band of misfits has to go on a quest to overthrow the requisite evil sorcerer, complete with terrible effects and fight sequences. Also a throwback to the days when they could get away with an over-the-top sexism. Examples include the barbarian party featuring naked mud wrestling and thee heroic female warrior only wearing a loosely fitting robe (basically topless the entire movie). I suppose his name is ‘Deathstalker’ but he isn’t a very “heroic” hero…. But it was the perfect recipe for Bad Movie Thursday– just so much absurdity. Did I mention the evil “Munkar” (I should have named my dog that), has a worm puppet monster as a pet and feeds it eyeballs? How about the evil henchman who was transformed into a woman in order to assassinate Deathstalker only to be (nearly) violated by him? This was a fun movie that kept us laughing and has us looking forward to the sequels.