Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: Aug 18, 2022

Starring: John Stamos

Plot: A top secret Agent is murdered, so his estranged son, a high school gymnast, teams up with his dad’s attractive female partner to stop the psychopathic hermaphroditic gang leader who killed him, and now plans a major terrorist attack.

Rules

• “Stargrove”
• Gene Simmons giving someone the finger
• John Stamos (Stargrove) doing gymnastic moves
• Mad Max motorcycles
• RAM-K

Quotes

• “Fork over some RAM-K, bitch, or I’ll tenderize your butt!”
• “Trade a wet kiss for this?”
• “Name’s not scumbag, it’s Stargrove. Lance Stargrove.”
• “Hey you Japanese fruit fly.”

Viewer Quotes

• “She’s a 49er fan. Those are definitely 49er colors.”
• “Look… he got another apple! He’s not getting the hint.”
• “I think the fire blaster is probably going to come in handy.”
• “He fingered himself… and a gymnastics move! That’s a double!”

What We Learned

• You can lead a double life with just a wig and fake beard.
• With the right computer disk you can pump toxic waste directly into the water supply.
• A fingernail knife is a great way to kill someone.

Final Take

This was a strange movie. There was some James Bond, quite a bit of Mad Max, some weird 9.5 weeks shit, a little Goonies, and then some Gymkata. It was a strange mix of crap and it really didn’t mesh well. The whole premise didn’t make a whole lot of sense, so be prepared to be lost for a while. That said, it was entertaining, and seeing Gene Simmons as a hermaphrodite villain was memorable.

Viewing Date: June 23, 2022

Starring: Peter Fonda

Plot: Two truck drivers fight off thugs who have been hired to drive them out of business.

Rules

• “Smokey”
• Trucker lingo
• “Iron Duke”
• Subtitles show as “Inaudible”

Quotes

• “Oh boy. Oh boy. Get in here Monkey.”
• “Like you always say, it’s your mouth. You can haul coal in it if you want.”
• “Keep the shiny side up and the greasy side down.”
• “There’s that beaver!”

Viewer Quotes

• “She’s a part-time busty trucker”
• “Wasn’t he supposed to be a stunt cyclist? Why is he never riding a motorcycle?”

What We Learned

• Trucker movies might be too slow to watch on Bad Movie Thursday
• Ultimately we learned nothing from this movie

Final Take

This was a slow movie. It was a learning experience. Note to self… avoid trucker movies from the late 70’s in future Bad Movie Thursdays.

Viewing Date: 6/2/22

Starring: Lara Rossi, Vladimir Burlakov, Kit Dale, Tom Green

Plot: Twenty years after the events of Iron Sky, the former Nazi Moonbase has become the last refuge of mankind. Earth was devastated by a nuclear war, but buried deep under the wasteland lies a power that could save the last of humanity – or destroy it once and for all. The truth behind the creation of mankind will be revealed when an old enemy leads our heroes on an adventure into the Hollow Earth. To save humanity they must fight the Vril, an ancient shapeshifting reptilian race and their army of dinosaurs (via IMDB)

Rules

• Dinosaurs
• Moon / Moonquake
• References to Apple products
• “Vril” / “Vril ya”

Quotes

• “Let’s make Earth great again”
• “Take out your PowerPoint, I’m going to dictate some slides.”
• “When I find you, I will dip your head in a bucket of shit!”

Viewer Quotes

• “Seems like it had a decent budget!”
• “Almost seems like a normal movie”.

What We Learned

• There are moon quakes- and lots of them.
• Moon God is Steve Jobs.
• The Earth is hollow
• Vril live forever
• Nokia 3310 phones are the best piece of technology ever invented.

Final Take

Meets expectations, so for a bad movie that’s a decent endorsement. Plenty of pop culture and political satire. As the viewer quotes indicate, the CGI and effects, are better than expected. Its been a while since we watched the first one, which I think was better than this, but when you’re making movies about Nazis on the moon, there’s only so many ways to amplify I guess…

Viewing Date: April 28, 2022

Starring: Reb Brown

Plot: In the Vietnam war, an American soldier survives a botched mission, with help from a group of locals who perceive him as a hero. He’s sent back for a reconnaissance mission, only to find his helpers massacred by a brutal Russian soldier.

Rules

• Explosions (reminder: house rule, but there are a lot)
• Ramboisms
• “Ransom”
• Father Francois takes a drink
• Abrupt scene transitions

Quotes

• “Disneyland. They’ve got popcorn and ice cream growing on trees.”
• “I tried to resist. I just can’t stand physical pain. I never could. Like going to the dentist.”
• “Jesus! You scared the shit out of me.”
• “How do you say goodbye in Russian? Auf Wiedershen.”
• “He works for the KGB, you thickheaded hero.”
• “Where does he keep finding these clusters of grenades?”
• “These Russian dentists make some pretty good dentures.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Every time we see this guy he’s gotten even sweatier.”
• “Apparently he got all these villagers killed. He must not be their savior.”
• “What the fuck is this popcorn on trees shit!”
• “Every namsploitation movie needs a revenge tour. Now he can kill with no remorse.”
• “We need a line graph of sweatiness vs evil in this movie.”

What We Learned

• The best way to command a mission is in the field, 50 yards from the operation.
• Americans are saviors because they will kill your enemies for you, no questions asked.
• You know someone is dead when their sandals fall off of their feet.
• Grenades can sometimes have a timed fuse, when it suits.

Final Take

This was basically just a Rambo fever-dream. The scene transitions were difficult to follow. The plot made no sense, and pretty much all the supporting characters were killed after a few minutes of screen time. I’m still not sure why any of it even happened. But it was marginally enjoyable and I probably will watch the sequel.

Date Watched: 3/10/2022

Starring: Marc Singer, with Head Animal Trainer Boone Narr

Plot: A sword-and-sorcery fantasy about a young man’s search for revenge. Armed with supernatural powers, the handsome hero and his animal allies wage war against marauding forces.

Rules

• Talking to animals
• Beast Vision
• Using the night filter
• “Dar”
• “Juns”

Quotes

• “Now we are dead!”

Viewer Quotes

• “That’s just a tiger painted black!”
• “Can the beastmaster talk with fish? What about insects? Where do you draw the line of a ‘beast’?”
• “Is that supposed to be a city? Or is that supposed to be a model?”
• “He just had to have a good cry.”

Things We Learned

• Stealing kids is easiest if you move them unborn into a cow.
• An eagle can pick up a child
• Beastmasters are not kings of men, they are kings of beasts.

Final Take: This movie is pretty good, but it is probably about 40 minutes too long. It has 3 different points where you’ll feel like the movie is over, has wrapped up, but then it just keeps going each time. That said, it’s surprisingly well done in comparison to most movies like this, and you really have to appreciate the animal training involved. They needed the best and hired the best. Great work, Boone Narr.

Viewing Date: Feb 17, 2022

Starring: Rowdy Roddy Piper, Julius LeFlore, Sandahl Bergman

Plot: After a worldwide nuclear war, where 68% of the male population was wiped out and virile men becoming a rarity, Sam Hell, a scavenger and a highly virile man, is assigned to help rescue a group of fertile women kidnapped by humanoid frogs (via IMDB).

Rules

• “Frogtown”
• References to sterility
• Something happen to Hell’s junk
• Spangle touches her earring
• Sam Hell impregnates somebody

Quotes

• “She’s never brushed her teeth.”
• “There’s a flap.” “It monitors your physio-sexual condition.”
• “Get in Stud!”
• “You know, you’re one weird dude.” – one eyed frog man with chainsaw

What We Learned

• High sperm count is due to eating a lot of fiber
• Rowdy Roddy Piper needs to be romanced
• Frog people’s currency is called ‘Lilies’.
• Rowdy Roddy Piper can tame a feral woman with his virility
• RRP is buried in Tigard, Oregon (RIP).

Final Take

How did we watch hundreds of terrible movies for 15+ years and not come across this absolute gem before now? We have gone through so many bad movie lists and have watched most of the top choices, but feel it is an absolute shame that this one wasn’t included on them.

This movie has so many elements of the perfect bad movie:

• B list actor
• Hilarious dialogue and plot
• Nudity
• Violence
• Mutant frog people

Rowdy Roddy Piper gives a great performance as the only man with the virility to save the human race by impregnating as many women as possible- somehow most of the fertile women have been captured by an evil mutant frogman with 3 penises. If that doesn’t sell you, I don’t know what will. Bottom line, we thoroughly enjoyed this one. It is an instant Bad Movie Thursday classic.

Date Watched: 1/20/2022

Starring: Only Chuck Norris

Plot: Two Chicago cops (Chuck Norris, Calvin Levels) investigate a murder until they encounter an ancient demon.

Rules

• Biblical References
• Chuck’s round house kicks (or kicks in general)
• “Prosatanos”
• “Shatter” (Advanced)
• Jackson talks about food

Quotes

• “Oh Shit! His heart’s gone!” – “No it’s not, it’s right there.”
• “Hey Frank, do you want to go back to Chicago and play good cop/bad cop with our pimps and hookers?”
• “Eat this!”

Viewer Quotes

• “Chuck Norris plays the role of ‘Consatanos’ in this one.”
• “He’d better roundhouse kick someone soon, I swear.”
• “What has Prosatanos been doing this past 40 years? Not building a massive army of followers and growing his power, just hanging out in Chicago sleeping with hookers.”

Things We Learned

• The devil (or demon spawn) is named Todd
• Throwing a heart at Chuck Norris is a great way to introduce yourself.
• Chuck Norris would steal money from his own partner.

Final Take: This movie started out really well, but faded quite a bit in the middle. There were almost no Chuck Norris round-house kicks through most of the movie, which seems like a real waste of talent. That said, it has a memorable villain and does tie it all up with a decent ending, but all in all it’s a fairly forgettable Norris affair.

Viewing Date: 1/6/22

Starring: Kip Nevin, Roz Kelly, Chris Wallace

Plot

New Year’s Eve is on it’s way and TV’s most famous punk-rock lady icon Diane Sullivan is holding a late hour countdown celebration of music and partying. All is going well until Diane receives a phone call from a odd sounding stranger announcing on live Television that when New Year’s strikes in each time zone, a ‘Naughty Girl’ will be murdered (punished), and the killer leaves a threat saying she will be the one to die last. The studio crew takes precautions and heighten security, but when the East Coast hits midnight, a hospital nurse is found brutally butchered. Who could be behind these murders? A crazed fan, a religious psychotic, or perhaps it’s someone much closer to Diane then the police (or audience) could have ever expected. (via IMDB, with corrections)

Rules

• A call into the radio station
• Punks acting disorderly
• Say “New Year’s Eve” or “New Year’s Evil”
• Switchblade or switchcomb
• A new genre of music is played

Quotes

• “I always come well equipped.” “I’ll bet you do…”
• “It was a real swinger.”
• “I can hear your heart beating. I don’t like that.”

What We Learned

• The best way to start your first shift on a new job is with a bottle of champagne
• Transandental Meditation gets rid of nervous diarrhea
• When a girl doesn’t have a date on New Year’s Eve, she’s in shit city.
• You can kill someone with a big bag of weed
• Police uniforms were highly adjustable in the 80’s

Final Take

It’s always a roll of the dice when attempting holiday-themed bad movies. No surprise, but the genre the most often attempts the holiday bad movies (Hallmark Channel Christmas movies aside), is horror.

New Year’s Evil might be considered an 80’s horror classic by some (not many though- it is 14% on rotten tomatoes). The twist at the end wasn’t that much of a twist, and we could see the son would come into play from the constant rejection by his mother, but the “killing at each time zone” was an interesting device and the disguises and effort by the killer / husband added to the enjoyment. Not a great movie, but over the top enough with terrible acting and absurd twists made it fun. Need to call out specifically the part of the movie where the killer disguised himself as a priest, and then careless instigates a chase / fight with a biker gang.

Viewing Date: 11/18/21

Starring: No one. Seriously- IMDB lists all actors in alphabetical order, so no one really gets top billing.

Plot: A family of cannibalistic pilgrims attacks a restaurant that stays open for Thanksgiving.

Rules

• Thanksgiving tropes
• “Thanksgiving”
• WTF moments (plenty of them, so use this at your discretion)
• Lisa Marie acting bitchy

Quotes

• “Everyone called my Sharty Metabernackle!”
• “See food… Get it?!”
• “The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.” “You’re not black.” “Is that what that means?”
• “All I’m good at is being a nasty bitch.”

What We Learned

• If your sandwich needs more flavor, cut yourself and add blood
• Adams family values is the best Thanksgiving movie
• Nothing is more American than cannibalism

Final Take

Tis the season for holiday themed movies, and there aren’t many Thanksgiving horror movies, so we need to dig deep (already watched all the Thankskillings, etc). Premise is straight forward- a family of cannibals searches for people that aren’t respecting (?) Thanksgiving values each year and murders and eats them. I’m not sure how much they actually abide by this- so if the employees at the restaurant actually want to be with their families to celebrate, would they let them go? I realize I’m overthinking this- its just a thin premise to explain the cannibalistic behavior. Some funny, cringy moments, but otherwise exactly what you’d expect.