Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: 11/5/26

Starring: Jim Varney, Eartha Kitt

Plot: Ernest accidentally unleashes an ugly troll that plots to transform children into wooden dolls in the town of Briarville, Missouri.

Rules

• “Know what I mean.”
• Jim Varney playing other characters/multiple personality stuff
• Ernest says his full name
• “Rimshot”
• Animals outsmarting Ernest
• Ernest should be dead

Quotes

• “Boy I sure hope you’re from Keebler!”
• Do rattlesnakes kiss carefully?”
• “You cannot escape. It’s time to join your little friends.”
• “You’re gonna pay for the sins of your forefathers.” – “I didn’t have four fathers. I only had one father and I didn’t know him that well!”
• “How about a bumper sandwich, booger lips!”
• “What goods a wooden dog? Sure, they swim better. What am I going to call him, Splinter?”
• “I’ve grown too strong for that. Not even milk can stop me now.”

Viewer Quotes

• “If that kid was missing, the first place the police would check is Ernest’s place.”
• “It’s probably fine. It’s no big deal if your kids don’t come home at night.”
• “This 200 year prophecy is just leading up to these stupid shenanigans. These trolls are just idiots, and they can be killed so easily.”
• “He’s going to have sex with it in front of all these people.”

What We Learned

• There’s no reason to worry if your kids don’t come home at night. It’s probably nothing.
• Milk kills trolls
• You can kill trolls by kissing their snot noses.
• Letting your kids play with a schizophrenic grown man that has the mind of a child never leads to anything good.

Final Take

Not bad, but clearly the target audience was 8 year old boys. Even when it came out I was too old for it. That said, the rules worked out OK and it had real garbage pale kids vibes, which is a point for it in my book. But Ernest’s shtick wears thin pretty fast. I probably won’t watch another Ernest movie for a few months at the soonest.