13
Mar
20

The Velocipastor

velocipastor

Date Watched: 03/12/2020

Starring: Dexter look-a-like

Plot: After losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first horrified by this new power, a hooker convinces him to use it to fight crime. And ninjas.

Rules

  • Weird Close-ups
  • Turning into dinosaur
  • Continuity breaks
  • Franky Mermaid references
  • Punk Music
  • “Dragon Warrior”
  • Memory montages

Quotes

  • Yo, Jerry, if you stuffed dicks in your mouth like you do that sandwich, I’d be a fucking millionaire by now!
  • “Touch not, thy sinning hands, Jezebel!”
  • “You think I like turning tricks for college?  There’s surprisingly low demand for hooker doctor lawyers.”
  • “Listen, Padre… Franky Fucking Mermaid smokes wherever he fucking wants because his life is on fiiiirrreeeeee.”
  • “I don’t know much about God.”  –  “I don’t know much about dinosaurs.”
  • “Father Stewart, what if I told you I was different?”  –  “You’re not that different.  There are plenty of men like that in the church.”
  • “Now the  hounds of hell are truly loose.  What have I done?”
  • “I believe in a higher power, but praying right now will never save…. … … … … …….your liiiiiiivvvvesssss!”
  • “Do you have any last words….velocipastor?”  –  “Only 6…. I think my hand is immune.  Gaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This movie’s only an hour and 15 minutes.”  –  “Yeah, but if feels like an hour and 25 minutes.”
  • “How are they communicating?  They’re speaking two different languages.”
  • “Is it just me, or has there been no dinosaurs for like 25 minutes?”

Things We Learned

  • Turning into a dinosaur starts by feeling empty
  • Nothing turns on a velocipastor like fighting ninjas.
  • Dinosaurs can use the force.
  • Velociraptors had a crazy hunch back.
  • Hooker doctor lawyers are great in a fight against ninjas (for the most part)
  • Ninjas feel really bad after killing the love interest.
  • Most of the time you only partially turn into a velocipastor (just the hands)

Final Take: This was a good one.  It obviously wasn’t taking itself too seriously, but in the best way possible.  This movie knew when to go all in on the craziness and when to let its warts show.  I thoroughly enjoyed it from start to finish.


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