03
Jan
20

Elves (1989)

elves

Starring: Dan Hagerty, Julie Austin, Elf Mcgregor

Date Watched: 1/2/20

Plot: A young woman discovers that she is the focus of an evil Nazi experiment involving selective breeding and summoned elves, an attempt to create a race of supermen. She and two of her friends are trapped in a department store with an elf, and only Dan Haggerty, as the renegade loose-cannon Santa Claus, can save them.

Rules

  • 80’s nostalgia (Star Wars sheets, Guns n Roses, etc)
  • References to “The Forest”
  • Dan Haggerty references being an ex-detective.
  • Advanced: Dan Haggerty smoking a cigarette.  Normal:  Dan Haggerty not smoking a cigarette.

Quotes

  • “I’m your fucking sister!”  –  “Yeah, but you’ve got fuckin’ big tits and I’m going to tell everyone I saw them.”
  • “It was like a little man… like a ninja, only like a gremlin.”
  • “Oral…Santa said oral.”
  • “What happened to the beautiful youth of the day?  Don’t you believe in anything?”
  • “If you could ignore their brutality, you would have to say they’re just a bunch of crackpots!”
  • “What’s wrong?  Are we going to be alright?”  –  “No, Willie.  Gramps is a Nazi.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “He’s brushing his teeth while smoking!”
  • “Is there a sign that says grenades for mom?”
  • “Isn’t this movie called Elves, plural?”

Things We Learned

  • If you go in the woods, you lose your savings account that you lawfully earned yourself.
  • How to get rid of a problem cat… drown it in the toilet in a pillow case.  Problem solved.
  • When there is no more room in hell, the elves will walk the earth.

Final Take: This was definitely an underrated holiday gem.  From the godawful elf prop to the completely flat Dan Haggerty acting, it was an over the top 80’s slasher flick that somehow incorporated Christmas, Nazis, and the antichrist.  The filmmaker’s vision was a bit too grand for their skill, sure, but you can sure appreciate the chutzpah.


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