20
Dec
19

Elves

Deanna Grace Congo, Lisa May, Stephanie Marie Baggett, and Amy Jo Guthrie in Elves (2018)

Viewing Date: 12/19/19

Starring: No one important

Plot

When a group of friends discover ancient elves locked in a cursed chest, they unknowingly unleash their wrath on the world. (via imdb)

Rules

  • Creepy elf doll appears
  • Elf face
  • “The naughty list”

Quotes

  • “Snort it.  Snort it all”
  • “This is like that movie ‘Truth or Dare’ but with Snapchat filters”
  • “Be naughty.  Have a drink.”

Viewer Quote

  • “This is a movie that is three separate, terrible movies cobbled together.”
  • “Always Be Cobbling.”

What we learned

  • The children’s section of a public library is a good place for adults to meet up and watch the local news on a laptop.
  • The elf rules are unclear and don’t seem to mean anything. You do what the elf says, you still die.
  • You don’t have to be an old person to be in an old folks home (in this town)

Final Take

This movie had it all: creepy dolls that possessed people to kill others or themselves, an ancient curse that was somehow connected to the first Christmas and the three kings, Krampus (or someone dressed up as Krampus?) killing people, and other random killers terrorizing old folks and their peers.  The issue was that none of these plot elements seemed to tie back to each other or make any sense whatsoever.  It felt like either there were 30 minutes cut out of the movie that tied it all together, or these were actually three or four separate movies that they tried to combine and see if anyone noticed.  Either way, it was absolutely dreadful film making.  It would have been more enjoyable- even as a bad movie- if they had just stuck with one story line and saw it through.  Once again, we got what we asked for.

Last thought:  If the movie poster (shown above) wasn’t included on Amazon Prime where we found the movie, there’s no way we would have thought we were watching the same movie.  Let us count the issues:

  1. “He’s back and he brought some friends.”  Who is he, and where is he back from?  This is not a sequel (that we are aware of at least), and there wasn’t even a single “evil” elf that was masterminding this burning pile of trash.  Multiple dolls / elves / whatever, were not seen together in the entire movie.
  2. The elves didn’t wield knives or other weapons, nor did they do any of the killing.  They simply suggested through notes (typically on ornaments), for others to do the killing or other “naughty” deed.  They didn’t even walk or move on camera, other than possibly some facial expression changes…
  3. The movie title “Elves”.  I’m not even sure if the dolls / spirits / whatever were even referred to as Elves the entire movie.  I could have missed it though if they were- can’t say I was paying close attention.

 

 


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