Plot: In the Barrio of Oak Springs live a strong and stubborn group of elderly friends who refuse to be gentrified. Their leader, Lupita, keeps them together as a community, a family. But little did they know, their beloved Bingo hall is about to be sold to a much more powerful force than money itself.
Rules
Bingoisms
“Oak Springs”
The Goop
Quotes
“And for your information, I prefer store-bought to this liquid cat shit.”
“Welcome to Oak Springs, motherfucker!”
Viewer Quotes
“Is this a horror movie or is this an old woman’s barber shop?”
Things We Learned
The devil operates through bingo halls.
The devil is filled with green goop.
You don’t fuck with Oak Springs
You can kill the devil by burning money.
Final Take: This movie was a slow burn. It was a long buildup to a few ultra-violent scenes. It did not make bingo look any classier. There was a bit of a message about consumerism and gambling that didn’t quite lend itself to light-hearted drinking and laughing, but overall it was memorable. And the rules worked out pretty well.
Starring: Dolph Lundgren (who also wrote and directed), Kateri Walker, Chelsea Ricketts, Matthew Tompkins
Plot
A lone biker rides into town in the aftermath of the death of his good friend J.J. Once there Ryder discovers that his friend didn’t die but was murdered by a local businessman who would let nothing stand in the way of his plans to build a state of the art casino on Indian reservation land. On a mission of justice Ryder confronts and defeats Reno and his men in a tour de force show down where the one (Ryder) vanquishes the many. (via IMDB)
Rules
Native American references
Bible (reference, Dolph reading it, etc)
“Boss”
Sheriff drinks from flask
“Reno”
Quotes
“They drowned someone in the river- if you know what I mean.”
“She was meant to call me Jeff but she was so drunk with a busted jaw… that it came out Jarfe. She died moments later.”
“They drowned someone in the river- if you know what I mean.”
Viewer Quotes
“She wants to get Dolphed”
“That looks fun. I’d like to throw some incendiary grenades in a boat.”
What We Learned
Dolph drinks a tequila with no lime and no salt.
The ancestors told of a man from the North who would save them- and that man was Dolph Lundgren
Dolph is the savior
Final Take
An enjoyable Dolph Lundren written and directed piece which is a retelling of Pale Rider- or maybe Ghost Rider from the comics (avenging spirit who rides a motorcycle). Some good action, cartoonish bad guys who run the town (think Road House), and a lot of killing. Jarfe was a good character, but should have known better to get into the war with Dolph based on his initial interaction with the clownish crime boss, John Reno. Look for it on amazon Prime!
Plot: Three strangers’ lives are inevitably entangled in a conflict none of them are prepared for.
Rules
Rice Cookers, or rice related references
Scope Vision (advanced)
Dead Assassins
Cage saying “cage”
Quotes
“I fall into you knowing full well there’s going to be a hard landing.”
Viewer Quotes
This is not a quotable movie at all.
This is the kind of movie I’ll wake up with no memory of the next morning.
“What kind of music is this?” – “This is like two bums happening upon instruments in a dark alley.”
Things We Learned
Nobody steals a stripped car
What Nic Cage does best is set up kill chains.
Final Take: This movie was trying to be too smart for its own good. It was convoluted and overly complicated, which is not a great recipe for a bad movie thursday hit. There were some good “Nic Cage” moments, on the crazy/bad end of the spectrum, but definitely the most watchable moments of the whole thing. As was quoted above, I probably won’t remember too much of this movie in the morning. Pretty forgettable.
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Dave Bautista, Jin Zhang, Harry Shum Jr, Devon Sava, 50 Cent
Plot: The daughter of a Hong Kong tech executive goes missing in what appears to be a routine ransom job. As Breslin and his crew delve deeper, they discover the culprit is the deranged son of one of their former foes, who also kidnapped Breslin’s love and is holding her inside the massive prison known as Devil’s Station. (via IMDB)
Rules
Product Placements
“Zhang”
“Wong” (also applies to bad puns from the viewers)
“Chine”
Stallone goes full Rambo
Viewer Quotes
“You messed with the Wong guy.” (and about 10 more like this)
What We Learned
Body guards don’t need to be armed, only Ray Breslen
80 year old Sly Stallone is still jacked and can kill people with his bare hands.
Not to watch a 4th ‘Escape Plan’, if they decide to make one.
Final Take: This was just a bad movie, but not in a good way. Not much to write about because it was another formulaic, thin plotted action movie where Sly and friends took a pay day for a movie targeting the China market. I think 50 Cent was in one scene, although had one of the top billings of the cast (in the US at least). Dave Bautista was reliably entertaining as the one man wrecking crew, and Sly did have a decent final fight scene. Beyond that… terrible. I did see that this movie may have set a record for having so much of the film as production information (90 seconds of production company logos and nearly 9 mins of credits), so 11.7% of the run time of the film. That’s got to be something- right?
Starring: Dad from Home Alone, and one of the Wet Bandits
Plot: Homeless people that live in the sewers are disappearing, and something terrifying might be killing them. CHUDs!
Rules
References to the “underground”.
Homeless people
CHUD attack
References to radiation
Quotes
“It’s buck dancers choice, my friend.”
“We don’t have to listen to the lunatic ravings of this paranoid hippie.”
Viewer Quotes
“This guy’s wearing a full Canadian tuxedo.” – “What is that, scrubs?”
Things We Learned
In the 80’s, when a woman gets a call from the doctor, she’s pregnant.
You can intimidate people by eating their payphone change.
In the 80’s, going to the papers was the biggest threat of all. These days it means nothing.
New York apartments have access panels to the sewers.
Final Take: This was a decent Thursday movie. Definitely kept my attention, and the rules worked to keep a steady flow of beer going. There was a surprisingly strong cast involved in this one, and a plot involving corrupt politicians that still seems relevant. Not too shabby.
Plot: Scientist brings virtual reality characters to life. Two are women from the cybersex game site. The third is a warrior who wants to unleash the rest of the bad guys from the virtual reality underworld. A border cop must defeat the virtual reality warrior while learning to relate to one of the cybersex babes.
Rules
Computer Voice
Computer lingo that doesn’t make sense
Using the stupid flip phone.
Dante kills someone
Quotes
“I’m in training for the tight-ass olympics.”
Viewer Quotes
“Let’s make a phone out of a travel battleship game!”
“Is ‘back to life’ the right terminology? They’ve never been alive.”
Things We Learned
The ground floor of Excalibur is a cybersex hub.
“Software robbers” are totally ripped gangsters instead of just nerds living in their mom’s basements.
In the future, a taser is actually a laser.
You can create a physical copy of a program by copying it from MD-Rom to disc.
You can’t beat a computer at a computer game.
500 PSI will kill a-lifers.
Final Take: A pretty poor copy of Virtuosity, and a shameless cash-in on the weird virtual reality craze of the time. This film has not aged very well, now that we’re living in the times they were projecting for us. The plot is hard to follow, the action is slow and poorly choreographed, and there’s probably not quite enough T & A to justify the rating. It’s entertaining as long as you’re drinking beers with friends, but will likely fade from memory as soon as the credits roll past.
Plot: A ruthless vehicular gang rules the post-apocalyptic wasteland. That’s until a muscled hero named Slade builds the ultimate machine gun – Equalizer 2000, and declares a one man war on the gang’s “piece of garbage” leader.
Rules
Sporting equipment used as armor
Shooting more bullets than you have in your gun.
Dropping references to things we haven’t heard of yet (“The Ownership”)
“Sand Chopper”
“The Ownership”
Richard Norton running down a rock hill.
Flamethrowers
Quotes
I want Slade and I want him now. (there are almost no quotable lines in this movie)
We can’t hold… we’re gonna have to pull out.
You’ll get a procedural endorsement for this!
Viewer Quotes
I don’t understand who’s fighting who.
There’s no quotes in this movie at all. – There’s no dialogue in this movie at all.
Any friend of Chuck Norris is a friend of mine!
Loosely tied. Kind of like how I tie things to the roof of my car.
Who is it that he hates, and why?
Oh, no, it’s the Mountain People! – Let’s get ’em!
Things We Learned
In the post-apocalyptic future, there is no shortage of bullets, but you can’t find food, water, or gas.
Richard Norton is really good at running downhill on uneven terrain.
Combining 6 guns together makes you completely unstoppable.
Final Take: A totally forgettable movie with an almost completely incomprehensible plot. They dropped you into the middle of this story with a grand battle between various warring factions, but no backstory to explain everything that’s going on. Bottom line, if you’re just interested in explosions and actions scenes, and don’t care about understanding the deeper plot, you might enjoy this.
Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid and a long list of semi-celebs in cameos
Plot: With a bitter taste in the mouth, knowing that the Sharknado crisis is far from over yet, Fin and April travel to London after the events of Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016), as Nova Clarke’s fact-finding expedition accidentally triggers a wave of ferocious and bigger-than-ever Sharknadoes. As a result, with prehistoric Stonehenge as the epicentre of the unstoppable new menace, Fin’s young son, Gil, gets sucked into the heart of the brutal cyclone, with minimal chances of survival. Now, Fin Shepard, humankind’s dauntless chainsaw-wielding hero, and his intrepid bionic wife, April, must track down a complex and omnipotent vortex formation that rapidly transforms into something unimaginable: an ever-growing Sharknado of global proportions. This time, Fin and April have their work cut out for them, in a perilous mission across the four corners of the world. Who shall live and who shall die when the fifth awakens? (via IMDB)
Rules
Cameos
“Sharknado”
Movie references / gags
Riding sharks
Impaling sharks or getting impaled by a shark
Quotes
“I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a human helicopter.” (turns out she was, in fact, a human helicopter
“You clear your thoughts.” (to Tara Reid’s character)
What We Learned
The Sydney Opera House is actually a transforming, shark killing machine, that somehow requires Tony Hawk for repairs
Olivia Newton John’s daughter (Chloe Lattanzi) is one of the creepiest looking, saddest ‘plastic-surgery-gone-wrong’ victims in recent memory.
The British Secret Service has developed a helmet with a shark fin to protect you in case you end up in Sharknado.
Sharknados creation teleportation portals and time travel
Final Take
Are we getting Sharknado fatigue? There were times watching this movie where I asked myself if 5 films of complete absurdity and bad cameos could actually be getting tired and boring- and yes it is very close, but there is enough here with a $3M budget and one-upping the stupidity to keep it fun. The bar is set very low… Can I say I’m actually somewhat forward to the next one, as long as Dolph Lungren is more than just a cameo?
Starring: (Does it really matter?) Marcia Karr, David Campbell, Fritz Matthews, Ted Prior
Plot: Two years ago, a young woman named Valerie was burned after entering a tanning salon. Now, her twin sister, Rhonda, runs a local gym where, all of a sudden, people are being murdered. (via IMDB)
Rules
Tanning bed (spoiler, this doesn’t really pay off)
80’s product placement
Creepy guys hitting on the women
Ominous music
Overtly sexual aerobics moves
Quotes
“♪♪ Animal Workout ♪♪!”
“Tell that college boy that if he doesn’t have that report ready in 30 minutes, I’m going to go over there and do an autopsy on his face!”
Viewer Quotes
“Was that batteries and condoms in her purse?”
With that hair I’m glad she’s dead.”
What We Learned
Safety pins are deadly weapons
Leaving a jock strap in a locker was a great come-on move in the 80’s
Multiple homicides will not close down a gym
Jean shorts and a singlet are a good clothing choice when breaking and entering
One cop is enough to cover / solve an ongoing murder spree
Final Take
Wow. Where to begin with this one? So the premise of this movie is that an aspiring model (Valerie) was badly burned in a tanning bed accident, but then faked her death and posed as her twin sister (Rhonda) while operating a gym / aerobics studio. In between gratuitous workout montages, gym members are murdered in creative ways, most often with a giant safety pin. Meanwhile, the police and authorities don’t seem to care enough to try to solve the mystery, or shut down the crime scenes (workouts begin immediately). The big reveal at the end, is that Rhonda is the murderer, who wants to kill attractive people because she is now bald and scarred from the accident. Somehow she gets away with it since the guy who was in love with her takes the blame (and then she kills him). The cop who knows she was the killer attempts to kill her, but due to incompetency, ends up getting killed, and Rhonda is back in business (and planning to start killing again).
This was a lot of fun- lots of gratuitous nudity, and complete absurdity with how the community treats serial killings. Why did she need to fake her death and pose as a twin in the first place? Was there no actual record of the death? Is it that easy to create a fake identity? But more importantly, how is it a successful business model to run a gym and murder your members? If it isn’t enough to kill your source of income, I think eventually the reputation of potentially getting murdered there would drive away business, right? Don’t overthink this one, just enjoy it!
Bad Movie Thursday 