Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: 05/30/24

Starring: David Carradine, Sherilyn Fenn

Plot

Helen and Bone live in a repressive futuristic dystopian society they badly want to escape from. Mysterious Jason hires them to steal a disc for him. It’s practically a suicide mission, but he claims he can smuggle them out, in return.

Rules

• “Bone”
• Silly “futuristic” stuff that’s not at all futuristic.
• “Frodan”
• “Fuckups”

Quotes

• “I bet you’re still horny, subgrade. Show me your dick! … Is that your normal size? Not bad.”
• “My blazing balls.”
• “Plague zone isn’t contagious, Bone. Ask any whore.”
• “My only regret is that in my role as prosecutor, I’m not also allowed to act as executioner.”

Viewer Quotes

• “There are no holes in that pool table. And no cue ball. How are you supposed to play that?”

What We Learned

• Plague zone isn’t contagious.
• Frodan is a lie and nobody can pronounce it.

Final Take

This movie was trying to be too smart for its own good. It should have leaned more into the ridiculous premise and silly futuristic vibe, but it took itself too seriously and suffered for it. In the end it will only be remembered for a few stupid quotes and the names Helen and Bone which were repeated probably 1000 times. I can’t say I recommend it.

Viewing Date: 04/04/24

Starring: Jeffrey Combs, Barbara Crampton

Plot

A group of scientists have developed the Resonator, a machine which allows whoever is within range to see beyond normal perceptible reality. But when the experiment succeeds, they are immediately attacked by terrible life forms.

Rules

• Practical Effects
• Use of or mention of the “Resonator”
• Crazy people doing crazy things
• Signs of the devil
• “Pineal” or pineal vision

Quotes

• “It ate him. Bit off his head… like a gingerbread man.”
• “How about the hard-on I got, is there a statistical correlation for that too?”
• “Were we in the same nightmare. Did we all just get eaten by it?”

Viewer Quotes

• “How long have you guys been sitting there watching me?”
• “Maybe let’s smash the machine up now and never talk of it again.”
• “I feel like I’m watching a Simpsons episode.”
• “Do you guys like M & M’s?”
• “Two guys in a weird wet bag.”

What We Learned

• Fire extinguishers can destroy resonators and dismiss demons from other realms.
• An enlarged pineal gland causes an unquenchable hunger for human brains.
• Crime scene procedure is mainly just putting down a chalk outline and calling it a day.

Final Take

This was a memorable one. The gratuitous use of practical special effects was nice, but you have to strap in and prepare yourself for some gruesome and shocking crap. It was fun, though, and along the same lines of Evil Dead. If that’s your thing then you probably will get a kick out of this one.

Viewing Date: 2/1/2024

Starring: Miles O’Keeffe

Plot

Ator and his brother are separated as children by the evil witch Phaedra. 18 years later she takes over the kingdom with the help of a masked warrior. Ator and Princess Janna prepare for the final fight. 

Rules

• “Trogar”
• Mirrors
• Fur balls
• Quick cut magic/ editing mistakes
• Indiana Jones references

Quotes

• “Princess Janna: But what if they kill you? Ator: Then I’d be dead. But they won’t.

Viewer Quotes

• “They should know that when you get on a rope bridge, this is what happens.”
• “Jesus. There’s still 40 minutes left of this movie.”
• “I’m just admiring his pants.”
• “This is the dance of the swords.”
• “That’s just how I would start a sword fight. You jump. Touch swords. The fight begins!”
• “So. Many. Sword fights.”

What We Learned

• When two boulder collide, they explode.

Final Take

This movie was nonsensical. And way too long, despite only being 1 hr 27 minutes. But the location was scenic (filmed in Malta).

Viewing Date: 11/16/23

Starring: David Bradley, Steve James, Michele Chan

Plot

Jackson is back, and now he has a new partner, karate champion Sean, as they must face a deadly terrorist known as “The Cobra”, who has infected Sean with a virus. Sean and Jackson have no choice but to fight the Cobra and his bands of ninjas. (via IMDB)

Rules

• “Cobra”
• Canadian Tuxedos
• Each individual ninja (advanced rule), 2x for red ninjas
• Ninjas appearing
• Ninja flips
• Sciencey stuff

Quotes

“Well done ninjette baby.”

What We Learned

• Ninja healing magic is called kunochi
• Hensojutsu is the ninja art of impersonation- and its far better than any Hollywood professional could do. It also changes your voice!
• There is a ninja hierarchy, and it is determined by the color of your outfit. As far as we could tell, Black = warrior, Red = elite, Blue = security
• Ninjas yell to announce their presence; who needs stealth?

Final Take

I remember American Ninja movies being some sort of great thing back in the 80’s, well, they have not aged well. A middle of the road bad movie that had a lot of the pre-requites: bad acting, nonsense plot involving genetically engineered ninjas used for terrorism, or something… We had a ‘master of disguise’ bad ninja, turned good when she realized that the good guys are good and the bad guys are bad. Worth a watch, but not a recommendation. Rating 2 out of 5 ninja throwing stars.

Viewing Date: Nov 30, 2023

Starring: Ginger Lynn, Krystal Shay, Nina Lanee Kent

Plot: A bride-to-be is taken to a woodland cabin for a bachelorette party, but the fun stops when an uninvited party starts cutting down the guest list (via IMDB)

Rules

• “Brie”
• “Best Man” or “Maid of Honor”
• Stripper tattoos
• Bachelorette party tropes, cliches

Quotes

“Seduction and Sarchito work alone.

What We Learned

• Bacon maple bars are stripper fuel
• This movie sucks and you’re better off watching Greatest American Hero reruns

Final Take

Is this a brief entry? Yes, because this movie was especially awful and I was avoiding posting about it all together. You need a strong ability to suspend logic and disbelief with any movie viewing- especially bad movies, but when most characters are so unlikeable and how they interact doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, it makes it hard even for seasoned bad movie watchers like us (e.g. the engaged couple). And finally, the movie goes with the whole “was the whole thing a dream, or not?” conclusion at the end. Boo. This felt like someone who wanted to pull his stripper friends together to make a horror movie, but couldn’t even make it fun. Avoid.

Date Watched: 10/26/23

Starring: Pamela Springsteen, Renee Estevez

Plot: Angela, supposedly reformed and living under an assumed surname, is working at a summer camp. However, when the campers start misbehaving, she soon reverts to her old ways.

Rules:

• Epic Mullets (Viewer Discretion)
• Explicit scenes
• Angela kills
• “Fornicating” or fornicating

Quotes:

• “Hey Emilio, party hats at 2:00!” (In reference to a girl in a wet t-shirt)
• “Sorry, once I start a task, I always finish.”
• “Uncle John makes me counselor of the week just 4 days ago, now he fires me?”
• “Speak of the devil…Look who’s on tv!”
• “Ain’t no skin off my tits.”

Viewer Quotes

• “That’s going to be hard to get out of the fabric. Why do that in the car?”
• “What is she, testing objects to kill with?”
• “A screaming mullet is worth two in the bush.”

Things We Learned:

• Keep your morals strong and you’ll never go wrong.
• You can easily kill people with a cup of battery acid or a stick.

Final Take:

It was fine.