Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: 1/22/2026

Starring: Nic Cage, Nuff Said

Plot: Basically Five Nights at Freddys

Rules

• The birthday song
• Showing Willy
• Advanced Rule: Nicolas Cage’s meaningful glances
• Beer Alarm
• Nicolas Cage makes a noise

Quotes

• Ostrich – “I’m gonna feast on your face!”
• “What’s the plan?” – “See that phone? We’re going to sit here and pray it don’t ring.”
• “Pretty sure that saying is protect and serve.”
• “Put your balls on, Evan, we’re going to Willy’s.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Is this a Weekend at Bernie’s situation? Is Nicolas Cage dead through all this and they’re just puppeting his body?”
• “I like that he wasn’t the least bit surprised by this thing coming to life and attacking him. It’s like he knew.”
• “This is something. I can’t believe he’s just going back to work cleaning after this thing started to kill him.”
• “They should be giving him $5000 for this cleaning job. This is like a Kitchen Nightmare situation.”
• “What is your life like where you’re not surprised by anything happening here.”
• “By the way, there are no vents anywhere that are this big.”
• “This guy’s related to James Van Der Beek, right?”
• “He never had anything to say and they never explained it.”

What We Learned

• Nothing we didn’t already know.
  • Don’t spend the night in some run-down building in exchange for anything.
  • Don’t separate from the group.
  • Don’t have sex in the kill room.
  • Don’t accept sacrificing victims to satanic robots instead of just destroying those robots.
  • Don’t do a movie where you have the most camera time and no lines.

Final Take

This was definitely worth it, enjoyable all the way around. Totally inexplicable in a lot of ways, too, so you just kind of have to roll with that part. Why does this guy never talk, and why is he not surprised by what’s happening to him? Never mind any of that. Just don’t think too hard and it will be a good time.